Tuesday, November 27, 2007

It Can't Be a Spider Bite Because ...

If it were a spider bite I would probably be really dead or somehow worse. I'd be vomiting, I'd be rolling out of my bed in delirium. I'd have a monster sized hole in my right (back) cheek that, although it has a big black spot in the middle of it, it would be sunken in and not threatening to protrude like the red, burning, hard to the touch golf-ball under the skin that it is. Because not going to the doctor after a spider bite can be the last defiant act of your life. YES, I'm talking about a boil people. To be honest, I don't really know how long (exactly) that I can sit at this computer and write about it either. Besides, I killed the spider I saw in my room last week...he's dead! DEAD! Maybe he had brothers?

If you are a religious person, if you are a spiritual person, if you have any type of compassion for your fellow man, woman, or child - please say kind and effective prayers for me....and my bum. Especially me, because my bum has actually decided to separate from my body, do the hostile take over thing, and using the one form of ammunition I didn't see coming - the boil; I am about to suffer unnecessarily for the next 10-14 days according to the WebMD, and every other database I could research. I simply hate going to a doctor. I went 17 years ago - that didn't work out so well for me, I had to bring Caity home.

OH, I'm not a complete loser. I set a time frame for this most inconvenient visitor. I told my butt that if it didn't come back to reason, give up the covert mound of pus and just be the butt it is suppose to be, I would see to it personally that a DOCTOR of real training would not only VIEW it, he/she would LANCE it if he/she had to, and I didn't care how much pain I had to inflict on it - that is, my butt. Talking to one's backside has never really gotten any one person any real results, but I do so hate to go to the doctors for things that are either embarrassing, expensive, or out and out silly - like boils, hangnails, a cough, a little cut -- if I can find a home remedy, save myself that co-pay (I don't have co-pays, I just said that. I'm in the higher percentage of those who DON'T have insurance per se. I'm winging it!)I gave my bum 10 days from today....let the countdown begin.

Naturally, because I'm careful about hygiene and I use more Lysol in my house than anyone I know, I wanted to know how the STAPH attacked me in the first place. You would be bowled over to find out the most common ways a person gets a big, fat, ugly, nasty, in the skin, can't-get-that-follicle-quite-open-far-enough-to-sprout-a-hair BOIL - - I know I was. I virtually sleep with anti-bacterial blankets (Faith does)and I was simply flattened to hear that someones NOSE slime could have passed the bacteria to me...nose slime? I'm a mother, there will be nose slime this time of year on everything - hence the Lysol, but did you know the SNEEZE the simple sneeze can literally and figuratively kick your butt?

Most boils are follicle related, hairs can't come out, they get infected. The INFECTED part is the sneeze part. You (me in this case) inhale breath/air that has air-borne nose slime and it gets into your blood stream, cruising it's way through your body and then...because it's the curse of ADAM - - you die! If you don't die you get boils....THERE. God, is in my opinion, hilarious! Could You be a little funnier God? No, I'm not challenging You, I love you! Thank You actually for the experience, now I know a little tiny bit of what the enemies of Israel felt back in the day, and I have to say....I am 100% pro Israel. Go God! Go God!

Prognosis: lots of hot baths, lots of ibuprofen, lots of prayers, and lots of smirking because I just can't smile that straight right now!

Solution: Keep the Lysol handy, but wash those hands if you get the sneeze treatment in public or in private....nose slime is a killer!

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