About the time a certain creative and ruggedly handsome songsmith from Edinburgh was being born, I was doing a very good bit myself in Hollywood as a stand-up comedian. I laugh now about it for a few reasons. First, no one really does it anymore straight out of high school like I did. I was actually, at the time, just barely old enough to be in the bar in Oklahoma, and in California where I was at the time, I was too young. (and there I was up on their stage performing.)
I look back at my young and adventurous self, and again, I have a chuckle or two because I was literally unstoppable about getting up on stage to say whatever the hell I had in my head to say. I rarely depended on a skit or routine. I just winged it; said what was popular for the time, the day, that hour, you know, if something was happening right in front of me I'd go off and talk about it. I used to ask the audience what they wanted to talk about and then proceeded to make up stuff so I could continue to involve them in the performance. Gosh darn, I wish we had smartphones back then.
When I say I was unstoppable I mean I would literally jump and volunteer to go so no one had to feel nervous or giddy. I was never nervous or anxious about being heard; which probably isn't something that currently surprises anyone who knows me. Being a comedian helped in a few ways with any of the negative feelings I may be experiencing. I'd simply showcase it, involve the others, and dismiss it as if it was something that needed to be packed away - - or scorched. I loved the physical aspect of it too. The gesturing, acting, moving about. If there was a pole near me either on stage or just off of it, I would run up to it, throw myself onto it, spin around, and stick my legs out before turning upside down and wrapping one or both around the pole while I continued the skit. (Yeah, it was a fun time to be alive...and thin.)
The drinking age in my state, the state of Oklahoma, was 18 at that time. Everyone I knew was drinking. I made a lot of money off those people too. I would get three or four of them rounded up to play poker and since I didn't drink, I'd wait them out, bet heavily throughout the night, bluff my way out of every hand, and take home the money. I could get them to show their cards, that was helpful. I'd bet them I could tell them what they were holding. When I couldn't actually do it, I'd ask them to prove it - - and they would.
I remember when I worked at the Improv in Los Angeles I had to find my own way there and back, but it wasn't a problem for me. I worked for three separate studios in their transportation departments and I could take home something as long as I brought it back. I owned a really cool Karmann Ghia, but why pay for gas when the studio can? I was never a headliner but moved up the ranks to third or fourth most of the time. You'd go in on an open mic night, do your bit, get votes and the next week if you came back you went on in the order they told you to go on -- I loved that. I used it to gauge whether or not what I was doing was funny enough to make the next leap. It was.
I didn't resort to being sexual; that was what I used to not be. I would take a broom, mop, and bucket with me on stage and talk and joke while I swept the floor, claiming the last guy was so filthy I felt as if I needed to clean the place up a bit before I got started. It always worked. The Bee Gees worked too - - I know every word to every song I think, and I did then as well. I'd pull out a lyric and challenge someone to finish it - - they couldn't because they were into acid rock, even classic, but not the Bee Gees. I'd make up some lie about being from Scotland and continue the rest of the skit in that accent. Loved it. (The Bee Gees were born on the Isle of Man, not Scotland)
I didn't start out as a stand-up. I tell people who choose to listen, that I actually started out as a sit-down comedian. I began the first day of Kindergarten; the class was my audience. No, I wasn't the class clown, I was the class comedian - - a huge difference. I thought for years I would make my living up on stage, and I did for 3 years, but it never really paid, so I had other jobs as well. When I worked in L.A. I also worked the studios taking vehicles back and forth. I also babysat a mansion, and from time to time, usually three days a week for three hours a day, I would answer the phone at California Student Loan Finance Corporation. I still can't get that out of my head sometimes when the phone rings.
"Hello, California Student Loan Finance Corporation, this is Jude, how may I help you?" takes a little time to say, but it gives the caller time to get their stories straight, doesn't it? You can't exactly say you've reached the wrong number when someone makes you wait that long. The CSLFC was just a few blocks east of Twentieth Century Fox studios on Pico Blvd. I would walk to their offices and one day I came across a big, huge, never-seen-before snail - - the joy! I picked it up and carried it to work with me. He died a few days later since I didn't know how to properly care for a snail, but he'll be the first one I'm sure to greet me at the gates of Heaven - - with an instruction manual. I'll have to read it, and agree that I was woefully negligent before he'll let me pass - - Jesus, you know, forgives -- not necessarily the escargot.
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