Wednesday, April 2, 2008

No Vistas

(Not my photo)

My new good friend Julian just wrote to me and explained that he was experiencing storms and through the vistas he could see more coming his way - I knew he meant that there would be rain; rather than storms or troubles in his life. However, the thought of a vista in my own life gave me reason to think - I really have very few runways, not a one to think of. When I look over the horizon my view isn't stopped by rows of anything. I really haven't been narrowing my thoughts enough to cause them to form a perhaps necessary vista.

That's when it hit me...I haven't been narrowing my thoughts because my heart was standing in the way. I was thinking too much about a certain man most of my day, and I didn't really even realize the amount of time I was devoting to him. It seemed that he was just there, in my head, in my eyes when they were open, and in my dreams when I was sleeping. I couldn't see the vistas because I had openly blinded myself to the world beyond my thoughts of what-if, and could-be, or even the maybe it will happen thoughts....I gave him up.

It won't be the easiest task I know, but there isn't a single reason to keep him in my head. He can reserve a place within my heart, as I don't believe love ever fails nor does it die, but he certainly has no spot for my thoughts not when I have too much to do. I need a vista to refocus me. I need a vista, a prospective purpose - I need to rethink, redo, and regain the future that I have been working for. Poetry helps. I'll start that practice I'm sure - with the greying skies, the morbid rain thumping beyond the patio; there will be poetry. If time allows, if God demands then this man, this vision really, will return - but I hope he doesn't demand so much of my time. I have given away more than he would even ask if he were to ask, and I am quite sure he would never believe he was even deserving of it - and there I was...draining my life for it. No more.

Today I will write. Today I will breathe again, and the air will not be padded with the essence of anything other than what it - truth and reality. I don't often welcome reality as a guest because she stays a bit long and reminds me often of my failures - - however, today she will be treated with the genteel hospitality that I as a Southern woman was raised to extend.

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