(Not my photo)
My new good friend Julian just wrote to me and explained that he was experiencing storms and through the vistas he could see more coming his way - I knew he meant that there would be rain; rather than storms or troubles in his life. However, the thought of a vista in my own life gave me reason to think - I really have very few vistas....no runways, not a one to think of. When I look over the horizon my view isn't stopped by rows of anything. I really haven't been narrowing my thoughts enough to cause them to form a perhaps necessary vista.
That's when it hit me...I haven't been narrowing my thoughts because my heart was standing in the way. I was thinking too much about a certain man most of my day, and I didn't really even realize the amount of time I was devoting to him. It seemed that he was just there, in my head, in my eyes when they were open, and in my dreams when I was sleeping. I couldn't see the vistas because I had openly blinded myself to the world beyond my thoughts of what-if, and could-be, or even the maybe it will happen thoughts....I gave him up.
It won't be the easiest task I know, but there isn't a single reason to keep him in my head. He can reserve a place within my heart, as I don't believe love ever fails nor does it die, but he certainly has no spot for my thoughts not when I have too much to do. I need a vista to refocus me. I need a vista, a prospective purpose - I need to rethink, redo, and regain the future that I have been working for. Poetry helps. I'll start that practice I'm sure - with the greying skies, the morbid rain thumping beyond the patio; there will be poetry. If time allows, if God demands then this man, this vision really, will return - but I hope he doesn't demand so much of my time. I have given away more than he would even ask if he were to ask, and I am quite sure he would never believe he was even deserving of it - and there I was...draining my life for it. No more.
Today I will write. Today I will breathe again, and the air will not be padded with the essence of anything other than what it - truth and reality. I don't often welcome reality as a guest because she stays a bit long and reminds me often of my failures - - however, today she will be treated with the genteel hospitality that I as a Southern woman was raised to extend.