I Can't Run for President

Try as I may, I just wouldn't make a good presidential candidate. I don't have what it takes. I don't have a lot of money to throw around and if I did I would be putting it into charities such as Operation Iraqi Children, Feed the Children, and Compassion. I don't have any real dirt to share - OK, I filed bankruptcy because I broke my neck in '92. I had a kid out of wedlock, and I've been fired from probably 105 jobs...106, I don't know, a few. I don't have a nasty preacher who says stupid or idiotic things from his pulpit because I'm not really a member of any church. I do attend one. I suppose they could camp outside my pastor's office and see if he makes outlandish statements about one race being better than another, but he'd probably be referring to a summer outing where a three-legged race took place behind the bean-bag toss. My pastor just doesn't make a splash that often, if ever.

I couldn't be the next president because I'd have to admit to being over 35, and where that benefits me because my son is 22, I still have a bit of an issue with the fact that if I were caught kissing a man half my age he would still older than my son. Yes, that bothers me. I couldn't actually be caught kissing any man because I don't kiss very often, and that fact would probably keep me out of the White House. Nothing to report, nothing to talk about, nothing to dig up, nothing to exploit. Face it, I would be a very boring candidate.

My politics would also keep me off the stage. I'd want to open up the forum to allow educated people in various walks of life from various economic backgrounds to give me their input and ideas on what to do to lower the deficit. I'd actually consider lowering it - it means something to me to pay my debts. I hate that I have to, I'm human in that respect, but I'd want to put forth an effort to become a more self-contained government - my exterior spending would be lessened, oil would be drilled in Alaska, and alternative means of fuel would be pursued. I'd have border negotiations with Canada and Mexico, I'd offer better salaries to everyone through real programs designed on the barter system where one company paid another company for helping another company which benefited their own company. This round-robin means of paying employees could also result in larger groups for insurance purposes, making it less expensive for the overall man/woman to afford insurance - oh, and there I'd be in the middle of a speech about insurance and have actual knowledge of it. What kind of candidate would that make me?

I don't know. Maybe if I ran for president I could at least meet Fred Thompson. I like him. He's pretty cool. I could go on sets in Hollywood pretending I wanted support from the actors and directors - just so I could get a good word in about the writers needing more money since promoting the real talent in Hollywood (writers) wouldn't be accepted if I just blogged about it. (Tell me again why an actor gets $30,000,000 for a movie he/she didn't write, direct, produce or distribute.) I could run for president if I found a good running mate - that would be the only way I'd win. No one wants an honest, upfront, troop supporting, educated, romantic, dogmatic, Christian-minded, spiritualist who feels that ethics should be a platform. Who the hell could stand on ethics and get anywhere in politics? Please. I'd need a VP worth his or her weight in controversy...I'd still have to run on the Indy ticket; maybe I'd pick Donald Trump to be my VP. If we got into trouble he could write a check.

Oh, you know I'm kidding. I wouldn't run for government - I wouldn't work on Saturdays in the fall. Football! Even the greatest leader in the world would have to set priorities!