Act my age? What the hell does that even mean? Who would want to act like an old woman even if they were in fact (as told by the calendar anyway) an old woman? Hell no! I mean heck no! I shouldn't be cussing this much; I'm old. I blame my kids - - I'd like to say I blame them for most of what takes place to me and I'd be 48% correct if I did, but I have to at least admit from time to time that my antics are in fact my own. Today will not be an exception.
I bought an LED light mask to put on my face to use every single day. You hook it up, rev it up, pick your colors and set your timer, and BAM! You're 30 years younger in just 40 minutes. Well, I mean, you are if you believe the advertising and the photos plastered on the brochures. The company knows the product is catered to the older gals, those of us who refuse to settle down and accept that we may soon be comparing walkers and lift chairs. We're the ones who refuse to accept the fact that time slipped not only out of our hands but right past us; leaving us to wonder where all the cannolis went, and whose dog is under the table anyway? Does anyone remember picking this one up at the shelter or did he just walk in the door on his own? Can someone go look at on the poles to see if he's officially missing? Is anyone even listening to me? No, they are not! No one is in my house, it's just me, and me alone with my new LED light mask - - and someone's Beagle.
The light mask was told to have great healing abilities, and the low low price of only XYZ, it was going to change my life! I was going to be able to literally watch the wrinkles and fine lines in my face disappear, but wait, if I used their special, handy-dandy collagen serum on my face and neck before I subjected myself to laying alone (with some random dog on my bed) for the next 40 minutes, I could not only see the changes, but I could feel the changes too - - the tightening of my skin, the closing of my pores, if that wasn't enough, I had seven (count them, seven) colors of lights I could choose from; each with their own healing promises and properties. How could I possibly resist? I mean, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't say to myself "Gosh darn Jude, I wish you looked 30 again instead of 32" You can't see me laughing, I'm 59 at the time I'm writing this, but dammit I look good! (smiles)
It's not just the LED light mask. For the past several months this old woman has been working out nearly every day at the YMCA, losing weight with diet and exercise, riding my bike, riding my horse, walking the parking lots (I'd say the streets, but that carries with it an entirely different connotation you know) and I've been doing the best I can to not only stop the aging process but to ward off all the would-be suitors who find my new skinniness and tight-pants wearing self to be a bit more attractive than I was when I was really actually old; last year. I'm not going to lie, it's rather curious to me how men will write to me without knowing me and ask me not only where I'm from, but if I'm married, what I do for a living, and if I'll hang out with them in various chat rooms - - I know the new me is so freakin irresistible, I get that fellas, but no, I'm the same ol' me when it comes to wanting companionship. If I want it, I'll go to the shelter and .... wait, I don't even have to do that anymore; apparently dogs just show up at my door. Does this Beagle like me now that I'm 30 pounds lighter? What?
I dance at home too; and I dance in public, which absolutely embarrasses my kids. If I can embarrass one or the other of them at least once a week I feel I've done my duty; dancing helps me keep my glutes in place and someday very soon I'll be stealing all of Caity's clothes and because of my new light mask she'll think it was Laura who took her things - - Ha! That's the real plan, right there. Just 30 more pounds and about 100 wrinkles to go and BAM...yes, BAM...I will be ready to be a Barbie model for Mattel! They can call this one the Boomer Barbie; she can wear an Oklahoma University t-shirt and really be sportin' because that's the only BOOMER we know; I'm not about to admit I'm aging not when I'm having too much fun flirting with this Beagle from behind the red flickering light of the LED mask. It's a thing, it's a real thing. I'm going to have to post pictures to prove it, but it's a thing.
No comments:
Post a Comment