Have you ever just sat and watched people interact with each other? It's a habit or a hobby of mine, I'm not sure which, but I will literally stop what I'm doing, and in some cases, I make a point to just sit in one spot (maybe at a park) and watch the way couples interact with each other. If they have children with them I could probably be arrested for stalking because I tend to watch, stare, and google as they cry out, bellow, holler, yell at, scream at, and otherwise berate and belittle the ones they love - openly in public.
How is it that two people who at some point were seemingly each other's everything can, in just a few years, turn against each other while remaining in a soured arrangement (I can't call it marriage if they hate each other). Are they just fulfilling their contractual obligation, or do they really think that the way they are behaving is normal? It may be typical, it may even be acceptable to most, but I wouldn't tolerate it for a day let alone years! You may say, "Oh, you don't throw in the towel at the first sign of disagreement", but what I see out there is by no means the first event -- not by a long shot. If people find themselves to the point of pushing each other's buttons for the sake of pushing those buttons, it's time to get help or cut bait. I'm not one to advocate a divorce; believe me, I want things to work out for people, but if they simply can't find the love they cultivated at one point, they need to leave before it grows worse.
You hear couples who are in miserable situations say they are staying married for the kids. Wait five or six years and ask the kids how that turned out for them. I have never, and I do mean never, met an adult kid whose parents stayed married "for the sake of the kids" say that they were better off because mom and dad stuck it out only to divorce when the child was in college or struck out on their own. In every case it tends to be the worse years for the kids too -- they have to deal with peer pressure, puberty, grades, homework, and on top of all that they have to watch or hear their parents constantly fighting over things that more or less could have been solved if one or the other of them would give up their pride long enough to remember that love never fails -- so stop failing it! Stop failing each other, stop failing by trying to win the last argument.
When I asked my good friend (We'll call her Jeannie) how she and her husband have managed to stay married as long as they have, she reminded me that Darin (her wonderfully sweet husband) is not her first husband. I had nearly forgotten! She had been married beforehand -- that's right! So, I rephrased my question; I asked her how she had stayed married so long this time, to which she answered that she listens to him and he listens to her, and when they have an argument of any kind they decide to think from both sides and come to the best conclusion possible. When she feels he is not paying attention she tells him, but she doesn't nag him. When he feels that she shouldn't do something, or buy something, he tells her, but he doesn't forbid her, or otherwise make her feel less worthy. It makes perfect sense.
Being too comfortable around someone can lead to feelings of unworthiness or feeling of resignation. "Oh well, we're married, he'll just have to take me looking like this. I'm not going to dress up for him." This sort of mentality has always set me in a mood of frustration - - I want to ask the person, "So why did you dress up in the first place? To catch someone? To lure someone?" What's wrong with dressing up, gussying up a little, and making a bit of a fuss now and then? What's wrong with going on a date, asking your lover out on a date, making a deal out of his or her latest creation in the kitchen, or even a wee compliment on something they'd never have expected you to notice? ANSWER? There's nothing wrong with it -- do it, it actually makes life easier!
No, I won't do it again. If I ever marry again (I say marry because I have no intention of dating again, that's for the birds) I will not be the complicit and/or ordinary wife. I will not slough off, frump up, or become comfortable to the point of being uncomfortable in my own body or mind. I will not compromise my imagination in intimate matters -- going weeks without sex or lovemaking. I have never understood that aspect of marriage - - and I never will. I can honestly say that sex is not the most important part of a relationship by any means, but you don't schedule it for gosh sakes! You don't become acquainted with it to the point that you resign to a 20-30 minute routine every other Friday! If you get to that point there's a problem, and the problem could be YOU. There are solutions if you'll just pay the least bit of attention -- there are ways to create new and exciting moments in an otherwise jaded relationship -- and if there isn't - - well, God knows there are ways. Ask God for help.
That's my rant - - and it is that perhaps, a rant. I speak from experience, and I know from my own past that I was the problem -- and I believe by leaving I made the right choice. I also know that I will never put myself in such a mess again. I will kick my own butt first.
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