Wisest Man, Huh?

 The Bible is really an interesting read; if you're into murder, mayhem, romance, polygamy, war, and famine, you'll not find a more action-packed book for sure. Now, keep in mind, the Bible is actually 66 books, not one. When I was a kid I was subjected to the memorization rituals that all good Southern Baptist children go through; before I was 7 I couldn't really read the big words of the Bible, but I could sure as heck tell you where to find Deuteronomy and I knew Jude came JUST before the end of the book. For such a powerful "book", Jude is really less than two pages I think. That Jude and this Jude have very little in common when it comes to talking - - just saying! If I had been THAT Jude the Bible would have been about two inches thicker. There's no way I could wrap up the importance of salvation in just two short little pages. NOPE! This blog will end up being longer than the Book of Jude; watch!

So, as kids, we're told by our Sunday School teachers that Jacob had 12 sons, but we're not necessarily told that in order for him to get those 12 sons (and a daughter named Dina) he would have two wives and two concubines! Don't ask me the exact job description of a concubine, but let me tell you, I would never want to have to admit that first, I shared my husband with my older sister, and second, we just simply weren't enough for the man, so he went steady-eddy with two of our closest friends or co-workers, made a few babies with them, and we're just supposed to go along with it - - nope, that just simply would not sit well with me; Jacob would be flat out on his keister BEFORE I married him if I were Rachel; and just after he took my little sister as a wife, if I were Leah. I have NO idea what those two sisters decided to do with the man's laundry, but if you ask me, he would be run out of the house buck naked and he'd owe me every sheep, goat, chicken, and ass he had to his name - - except the ass attached to his backside; he could keep that all to himself!

Children are so gullible; in this case, it's a good thing. Can you imagine if our Sunday School teachers were going over the story of King Solomon in our weekly lesson and the question about his wives popped up in conversation? Jacob had a couple, and that's bad enough, but here we go with the "wisest man to ever live" and it turns out that boy had over 700 wives, and half as many concubines to boot; he had princesses, he had ladies from every country! He was a man whore if there ever was one, and no, there's no mention of King Solomon being like his daddy King David, and being a "man after God's own heart", in fact, we're told that God specifically told ol' Sol not to take wives from foreign regions as they would end up turning him away from his own God...which they did.  How does it work if you're one of 1000+ women and you're "married" to the King? Do you take turns in bed with the man? Maybe wait for him to call you up from wherever you lived in the kingdom for a tryst? C'mon, think about it, you can't have 1000+ women all married to the same (even if he is devilishly handsome) man, living under one castled roof! It would be impossible. This is the best example of what a real kingdom is or could be used for; housing 1000+ women and probably over 3200 children.  

No! Just a big fat, NO...I'd have to decline the offer if it was extended to marry the man. He could ask all day long, but the answer would be no. I mean, I may have to move out of the kingdom if that's where I kept my sheep and all, but I would have to move, and I would probably change my name too so his henchmen couldn't find me and drag me back someday in the future after word of my refusal finally made it back to the son of the greater king. Or, maybe I could say "Sure, why not!", marry the man, get the stimulus check he most likely would have put out for support purposes to anyone looney enough to agree, and when it came my time to sleep with him I could always say "Oh, you know what Solomon, I would, but I'm washing my hair, my camel's hair, my goat's mother's hair, and tonight is the night we play Bingo with the Moabites - - maybe next time?"

I know the Bible is Holy and there are no mistakes in it. I get that. I also know it's been translated a few dozen times, and there are language issues, barriers, changes, and there are different interpretations as well; but there's just NO WAY I can wrap my brain around a few of these men in the Bible who either drop dead because they chose to lie to God (always a dumb decision), they end up murdering the husband so they can have the wife (King David), and there's Sampson - - seriously? It's more than obvious that Delilah wasn't all that into you; why did you tell her your secrets? Oh, OK...they don't tell us that as kids either - - he wanted sex.  Sex.  He gave up his STRENGTH for it. He lost his sight for it. He ended up dead because of it. Men! (Sorry, that was a bit of a rant)  Like I said, I am just not that sure that somewhere along the way someone may have forgotten to mention that the wisest man in our known history had way way way too many women calling him their own; more like "Take a number, I'll be right with you ladies!"  Again, yeah, no.  I'm either #1 or not one at all, but I'm no one's fool.

Maybe it worked out in the end for Solomon - - oh wait, no, he died without loving God, so there you go, no, it didn't work out for him at all.  What did we learn? I guess that Sunday School is a great, really great place to hear about and learn stories from the Bible, but maybe we shouldn't be too hard on the teachers for not revealing EVERYTHING they found out when they got a bit older. I think I was in my 20's when I realized Eve and Adam didn't have, or couldn't have belly buttons. Go figure.