Laura and I were both offered positions at a company that required a pre-employment drug screening, so we went this morning to have that done. What you need to understand is that not every BODY is designed the same. Even though technically I made Laura, I wasn't alone in the whole process, and something very clearly got lost along the way. Someone (who will remain nameless) didn't get the memo when it comes to being able to pee on command, or at least on short notice. Here I am, ready to go, thinking we'll be in the lab maybe 10-15 minutes tops, but no. That didn't happen. Why should anything be normal when Laura is involved? Note to self; don't make another baby, and if you do, do something different than you did with this one. (I'll have to check with Caity Baby to see if she can readily drain her bladder when directed to do so. Laura malfunctions!)
We drove the six miles to the lab, parked, walked in, checked ourselves in with the handy-dandy self-check-in kiosk, and seated ourselves. Within a few minutes, a nicely scrubs-clad woman came to the door and called "Stringfellow". We both, Laura and I, said "Yes" and the woman was forced to look back at her chart to see which of us she needed. It was me! I won! YEA! I gave Laura the look you give a person when you have one-upped them; it may only be to go back and pee in a cup, but MY NAME was called! Ha! Take that! She wished me luck.
You guessed it. I was in and out of the back rooms of the lab in under 3 minutes I think and that includes the time you stand with the associate to fill out the paperwork. I am a genuinely great pee-er thank you! If peeing was a sport I could probably take home the trophies! We'll just leave it at that. No need to brag. This is NOT the case with my middle child. Reuben, because he is the firstborn, would probably have been prepared to pee for at least 2 days in advance. He'd be ready, and there would be nothing in the way to stop him from fulfilling his duty. If his bladder dared to give him grief upon being given a command, you can bet that man would have nipped that bladder in the bud (If bladders have these) and he would have compelled himself to express! Caity, my baby, would have demanded that someone pee if she wasn't able to do so herself, but there would be PEE.
Laura, my semi-passive, and often misunderstood middle child, on the other hand, has what the doctors refer to as a shy bladder. WHAT? Are you serious? When she is commanded to do anything bodily whatsoever she locks up. She goes into self-protection mode I guess, and only when her organs feel the need or feel that it is safe to release their load will there be a giving. We waited in that waiting room over two long hours waiting for Laura to go! LET IT GO, Laura! She did the normal things such as drinking copious amounts of water from their little water tank thing. She waited until there were no other patients and she did jumping jacks in the lobby. When the nurse-types giggled at her she giggled back and said how sorry she was that she wasn't able to just "do it". They said it was normal, but usually, people just paced back and forth. This was a first for them; her jumping jacks.
We walked into the lab at 10:36 a.m. I was in and out by 10:42 a.m. which includes the check-in, the wait, the paperwork, the duty, and then bam...we wait. We sat there and we waited until 12:17 p.m. for Laura's gut to say it had been stressed enough and now it would relax. THANK YOU! I had visions of her flooding the bathroom when she left the lobby to go back to the back. She tells me she was "good" and that nothing too dramatic happened. This is always good. The worst thing in the world is when you have to go help your adult child urinate, but they won't let anyone back there to hold her hand to encourage her to simply follow instructions such as "Pee inside the cup". The hardest part of the entire event is when you know you can't flush the toilet! AGONIZING!!!
Since this lab also did blood work, we were sadly subjected to the screams and non-stop protests of a six-year-old child who was getting her blood drawn so she could have tests run. Her daddy told the nurses they were going overseas. He did look military, so I was wondering why they weren't having her blood drawn at Tinker Air Force Base. Apparently, one of the nurse types asked the same question. He's a civilian now, he was injured, and he's out of the military, but going back to live with family and do civilian work for the government. The poor little angel was in great distress and I could only drift back in memory at my sweet 2nd child who was now trying her hardest to push water out of her body because she was exactly like this little girl. When a needle came near her she climbed up the back and down the front of anyone who was trying to inject her! It was NOT easy trying to wrangle her. At one point we lightly sedated her under the doctor's orders. He had had enough!
Though I'm not a big fan of needles, I mean, I wouldn't go see them in concert if they came to town, Laura is by NO MEANS going to give into one. She will fight to her own death before being stuck. Again, I'm not sure where she came from, or who her real parents are, but I found her and she's mine and I'm keeping her. She doesn't really do dishes or anything, but she's OK. I like her. For the most part, she's healthy as a horse - - as they say, it's just when you ask her to do something right then and there she has to really think about it, and that can lead to her body disagreeing with her mind. I suppose if we were all Olympic urinators we wouldn't need that extra three-hour window they give people who choose to wait it out after thinking they could let it out. If she had not been able to go after 3 hours she would have had to reschedule for another day! So inconveniencing.
Running warm water on her hands didn't work. Drinking more water didn't work. Doing the jumping jacks, walking, pacing, hopping, and lunging, didn't work. The body, her body, just has to say "OK I'm good" and it finally did. FINALLY! Laura has never been on time for anything other than her birth, and even that was a stubborn mess! I won't go into it, but suffice it to say that I was sent home 4 separate times and forceps were produced in the end. She's a mule! I thought about selling her once, but then again, she's so freaking cute. I don't think I could have lived with myself if I had made that decision. Besides, someone had to tangle with Caity! Laura was born for that! The job done, we went home and you guessed it, she spent the next few minutes flooding my toilet!
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