Can you see the Black Knight from Monty Python's Holy Grail about now? After reading the title of this blog you're probably thinking..."Oh my gosh, are you serious? Did you really have a heart attack, but you say you've had worse?" Yeah, I mean, I had a heart attack at work, but I've had worse! I had to fail a kid (student) once for plagiarism. I'm still not over that one. I mean, it's the worst thing ever; no one recovers from that. Plagiarism is the deepest, heaviest, ugliest black hole in the universe. Once you fall into that pit you're gone - - just, gone. I sent that kid into oblivion.
OK, but back to the day I had the heart attack while teaching; because that was memorable to say the least. I had just started the afternoon course of Introduction to Ethics, and it was the day of our Mid Finals; so somewhere in the beginning of November. It wasn't cold yet, and it wasn't warm. I remember I had on a brown sweater; my favorite brown sweater, and that played a role in the whole could-have-been-an-out-of-mind-experience later in the middle of the attack. I was standing up at the front of the class having just passed out the tests (little packets of about 8 pages each). I had instructed the students not to turn the tests over yet, not until I put up a few tips and/or cheats on the whiteboard. I was always known for allowing the students a 10-minute cheating exercise just before a test so that they could get all their cheating out of their systems! I wrote on the board, they took notes on their tests, they exchanged notes with anyone and everyone about anything for 10 minutes, and we ring the bell, sit down, turn the tests over and begin. Simple, right? Not this time.
I think we were about six minutes into the ten minute cheating period when from out of no where my left hand decides to slack off and declare war on the rest of my body; it took that side of my chest with it when it made it's painful proclamation. Having already passed out the tests I could not retract them without causing the students (I keep saying kids in my mind, but these guys were over the age of 18) to have to reschedule their tests; and nullifying a test was something you only did in emergencies. I didn't think my personal health (or lack of health) condition warranted me doing that. I decided to sacrafice one student to save the whole class. Immediately, I made eye contact with a kid named Ian, who I absolutely loved as a student, had some real respect for, and I decided that since he had me for two separate classes he could take this Ethics test during his next Philosophy class; and BAM, all would be just fine.
I'm over at the board winking, wiggling my nose, thumping my dead arm against the whiteboard trying to get Ian's attention; and he's sitting chill-laxed at my desk with his feet up talking to a pretty co-ed friend of his about something way other than Ethics, I can assure you! I finally was able to get Ian's attention and he gave me the nod that basically let me know he saw me, but he was thinking I was thinking he needed to be thinking about the test - NOPE, think again! I made my eyes really big and sort of snorted at him for a couple of seconds and motioned for him to come to my assistance! Ian finally caught on, and was at my side in a flash! I sort of whispered into his ear that I may be having a heart attack and asked him to walk me slowly and without much notice, to the hall, and then I asked him to proctor the test -- assuring him that he could take the test later that week if he wanted to. He was all about that; no problem there, and he even offered to call the ambulance. NO! I told him, if there are sirens and such the test will be interrupted. I could stick it out, and if not I would just die and go see Jesus. Ian nodded, helped me lay down on the ground in the hall, went back into the room, and promptly called the ambulance -- damn kid. (HOWEVER, he did tell the 9-1-1 dispatcher that I would prefer no sirens. They didn't care. They sent the ambo with the blaring sirens.)
To my credit, I was willing to die for the cause! God saw things in another light, and He decided that the school would not nullify the tests, I would not die, and all would end well that sort of started out scary as Hell. Ian proctored perfectly, and I think he even got a pass on taking the test all together since his grades were up high enough to warrant skipping the Mid Final. Woot! Can I pick them or what? When the ambulance came I was laying on the floor with my arms straight up in the air. I was holding my cell phone and texting my son to let him know I may be dying. I was asking him to take care of Laura, and to be sure Brandon finished enrolling for the Spring classes at my college. I remember looking at my brown sweater and thinking how pretty it was; that this shade of mocha was just the right color for this wonderful Autumn afternoon, and that after I got home I needed to hang up my sweater since I really hadn't worn it long enough to wash it just yet. Yep, those are the things you think about when you're dying on the floor of the college you teach at and you're 100% sure that if you do go ahead and die you'll go to Heaven anyway and this is just another day - - wow, how our minds work.
So you know, Ian went on to graduate. I think of him from time to time as I wonder what must have been going through his mind when he was proctoring the test and trying to keep a straight face about where the professor was. This was an Ethics class after all; makes me wonder if Ian thought he needed to call the ambulance for me or obey my wishes - - I think he made the right call. The trip to the hospital was not to be, the doctors on campus ran over to see what was going on, and decided that they could run tests on me right there. After a few tests and questions I was released to my son, who had left work to be by my side - - and my diagnosis was simple: I needed to both lose weight and manage my stress. I had to work with these doctors and they thought I was FAT - Oh yeah, let's work on that, because that's going to happen, right? I'm working on the weight thing now, so many years later, and yeah, I'm also working on the stress thing - - I'm giving up my life and everything I know about it. I'm moving to a foreign country where I am the one who will be speaking funny, and I'll have time to learn how to both play guitar and properly cook Haggis. (I won't actually cook Haggis, I just said that. There will be no Haggis for me. )
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