Thursday, June 7, 2007

I SO Did NOT Win the Lottery!

Once again, I didn't win the weekly, or actually the twice-weekly lottery. Oklahoma has the Powerball, and someone convinced me that a portion - however small, goes to the educational fund set up by our state, so I play. Oh, that's not the only reason I play, I mean, I love the kids and everything - want the money to go to them eventually, you know, after the big guys get their cut. There has to be an administrative charge, a penny here, a nickel there, every dollar has to be dissected and depleted before it actually (probably) gets to the Department of Education, but like Christmas - it's the thought that counts. I play to win millions of dollars - simply put.

I don't have a method, I don't have a lucky bodega, or even a lucky numbering system. I do what I can to mix it up and beat the odds two times a week - and I lose, I mean, I contribute $2.00 each time. So, for $4.00 a week, roughly $200+ a year, I stand to become a multimillionaire just like the hundreds of thousands of Oklahomans willing to throw their money out the window with me. I read once that using the same numbers over and over, and going to the same store to buy your tickets over and over, has no bearing whatsoever on the outcome of the game - I believe that. Think this through with me....go to the mind's eye for just a minute, and picture a big rolling cylinder with lots of little white balls in it, 55 to be exact. Every ball has a separate number on it, every ball has the same and equal opportunity to make it to the little suction thingamajig that ultimately decides who will be buying a new house tomorrow! You could force it I suppose with magnets, but there's probably some guy paid specifically to be sure that doesn't happen - often.

I wondered what I would do the one time (hopefully 12 times) I did actually win something other than just another chance at playing again. I even called my church to see if they'd be willing to take the 10% tithe that I know I'd give, because if they weren't going to accept it from me I would have to find another alternative benefactor - I was right, they said they'd take it. That's a good church! I don't like those hypocritical churches that preach against the lottery in the first place, and then accept the winnings - my church's pastor preached his personal convictions, and let the rest fall to us - we choose to interpret what God's feelings are on the lottery. Best to leave that one alone until we're all up there talking to Him at once, after all, I don't think my other sins are any different - they're all covered.

What would I do if I actually won? Freak. I would rather win on a Wednesday so I don't have the entire extra day to worry whether or not someone was going to hang me, shoot me, drill me with their car, or otherwise disable me - making it impossible for me to collect my millions. I want to just simply drive to the commission, park in the spot marked "For Lottery Winners Only" and take a photo really quick like, so no one really sees me going in and out - take the money in check form, direct deposit if they offer it - and just ease on out - ninja style!

I have my plans you know. We all do. What to do with the amount that you end up with after taxes, and after accepting the buy out option, because NO ONE takes the "you-invest-it-for-me" option offered by our government - roughly 1/3 of what's being posted as a winning amount is what I would walk away with. Today that total would be $11,000,000 or so. What would I do with it - well, to be honest - invest. I'm such a bore, I know. But, and I mean this, I would tithe, and I would give to two very deserving charities that I love and cherish - and yes, I'd pay off debts for my family members - not every dang member that ever existed, not the 4th, 5th, and 6th cousins that I've never been introduced to, but you know, the siblings, the parents, the nieces - I have no nephews, my son is the only boy - got that Constitutional Right thing going on for him not to have to join the Army, but it didn't work out for me. My two good friends Jeannie and Niki wouldn't have to worry about much either. They deserve a bucket of money just for putting up with me, although Niki said she'd be thrilled to be able to say she knew a winner - no, Niki - you get a new house doll! You get the works!

I guess the standard purchases would be in order. I'd move to Chicago, live in the penthouse of the Sky55 high rise, order the furniture whenever I dang-well pleased, have it changed when I wanted, and go traveling - why do people say that, "go traveling". Anymore I'm thinking taking a trip across America is about as far as I'd want to venture without my flack jacket, helmet, and revolver anyway - but I'd have a new brightly colored flack jacket, and helmet, and probably a pearl-handled 45!

Alas, all is for naught - I did not win. I'll try again - I'm sure of it. If I win, I'll post a picture with the big cardboard check so you can see how much I'll be paying in taxes - gotta love the Feds.

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