People often say "I was lost in her eyes" or "He took me places in my mind that I've never been to before", and we think oh how romantic. It is. It is romantic, and it is a wonderful escape, but what happens when we can't escape who we are and there is no place to hide from our own folly or mistakes. You know, Billy Joel wrote and sang about mistakes being the only thing that we can truly call our own. I don't know if he was right or not, but we can't get away from ourselves now, can we?
I tell myself over and over again that I can conjure an image to hide in, to delve into, and be lost for as long as it takes to bring myself out of whatever funk I may be experiencing, but if I was honest with myself (and I do try to be), I can't run away from me. Wherever I go, there I am. I keep the same company at all times, and there is no way I'm going to let me get in my way of being who I'm supposed to be; I don't and I won't define myself, or allow myself to define myself, by the boo-boos I create! Not even the big ones! My God is so much bigger than anything I can screw up, that's for sure!
The fact that we feel that we need to hide from ourselves is sad, but sometimes we can be the worst enemy we ever had. There are times when we think things about ourselves that we would scarce say to someone who just mugged us! There are times when we feel so poorly about a part of our body, or behavior we can't stop, that we initiate the downward spiral in our spirit without needing any assistance from any outside force whatsoever. We're fully capable of being the darkest of influences on our own souls. What do we do? We do what we know we're supposed to do, and what we were commanded to do; we take it to God. We let Him have the reins (again) and we practice NOT taking them back. My sister used to say she's really good at giving God all of her problems, but she's even better at taking them back from Him. I know what she means.
We start by knowing our own limitations. If we think about what sort of thing(s) trigger our emotions, we can see if we can stop doing that, saying that, allowing that, or thinking that. Remember when we used to put our fingers in our ears and say "La, la, la, la, la, la" over and over again because we didn't want to hear whatever someone was trying to say? We can do that to ourselves too. Yes, we really can. I mean sure, you're going to subject yourself to a bit of ridicule possibly, but it's a small price to pay for knowing that you had a small victory by stopping yourself from harming your precious psyche!! You are worth it, damn it!
Someone I know may need to hear this; you know who you are. You've come so far and you've really created so much for yourself over the past year. You have been through not only the wringer but the entire laundry cycle a few times. You've been literally hung out to dry and it rains where you are! You've suffered, and you've been tormented; often, yes, by yourself, but you have met and achieved so many personal bests that there is NO WAY anyone (including yourself) wouldn't be over the top proud of you. YOU ROCK, friend. YOU freakin' rock! I just wanted to say that.
So, in closing. There is no closing. You and God have what I have with God. We have the best ever, and there is no reason not to just TRUST AND OBEY because you know what, there really is no other way. No...it's just simple facts. When you start to self-hate, stop. When you start to self-overthink, stop. When you start to self-doubt, just stop. Close your eyes and see yourself riding side by side on that wagon and hand those reins over to the One who loves you enough to die for you. It will be OK. Just breathe. There is nothing wrong (and everything right) with taking a wee break and going straight into meditation for a few minutes to release the thoughts; to give them away. Breathe.
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