I still can't figure out why we don't all agree on how to spell words like "Y'all" and "Thingymabopper" because it's really not rocket science. If people from the North can figure out how to spell "do-dad," I think the rest of us can get on the same page with one another and stop misspelling really important words. I saw a book the other day at Barnes & Noble that had to have been written by a Yankee because the words "fixin' to" were spelled "fixing to" as if...c'mon now! There ain't a single soul in the South who has ever been fixing to do anything - - nope! We're always fixin' to do it.
That's another thing; if you hear someone from the South say, "that's another thing," it's not the beginning of a sentence, friend. There's a pause, maybe even three invisible dots, but she or he is not starting a new sentence; we are either closing up the last one or extending it. That part is subjective, but yeah, we're not saying something new. We're pointing something else out to you. I just thought I'd throw that out there.
I was watching a show recently, and I'm trying to figure out which one it was; it was one of the new CBS dramas; I know that much. During the show, a black man was killed, and his family was planning the funeral. The family lived in the South. When the FBI guy or cop questioned the wife, she said something like, "Oh, there ain't gonna be a funeral at the church; he's being cremated." This piece of information just hit me squarely between the eyes, and I said verbally and out loud in front of God and everyone in the room, "No, that's not right! Poor writing right there!" Then, a few seconds later, the new star of the show reiterated my thoughts. He came back with, "No, that's wrong. That man is black. He's a Baptist, and this is the South! How is he gonna go up in the Rapture if he's cremated?" LOL...I couldn't stop laughing.
The Rapture aside, because Jesus will call up every molecule from fishbait to cremations, but still, the man was black, he was from the South, and he was a Baptist. Yeah, there's not gonna be a cremation unless his woman is MAD MAD MAD....and she was. It was her way of getting back at him for having an affair, I think. The same way my mom used to tell my brother if he didn't tuck his shirt in, she was going to sew lace on the bottom of it. Gotta love those Southern mommas! I am one. I didn't have that problem, but I do remember telling my daughter she needed to say thank you before I pulled out her tongue, and she couldn't do it.
Recently, and by that, I mean a few minutes ago, I took an American Dialect Quiz to see where the computer says I'm from using the words I choose to use. Some of the questions were just silly, and I thought there was no way anyone would call something as simple as a can of pop something dumb like soda or soft drink. I mean, I get the "Coke" thing, but I don't say that. A soft drink comes in a cup at Sonic! (best ice) Soda is something you bake with; again, c'mon! They say the English language is the hardest one to learn, and this is why! That, and we spell our parent's female sibling "aunt" when we say "ant" and stuff like that.
By the way, I'm from Oklahoma, which some say isn't a Southern state. They, and anyone else who thinks that to be true, would be flat wrong. We're absolutely South of the Mason-Dixon Line, and that makes us South. There are rules, you know, and we follow them. We're also a Western state because we're WEST of the Mississippi River. Hell, we're west of the Arkansas River too. We're definitely a Western state. Oklahoma is a Southwestern State, albeit it's the most Northeastern Southwestern state there is. There are rules, but there are also boundaries. We get that.
Oklahoma, in case you didn't know, is on top of Texas. You can look at any map you want to look at, and you'll see it. God did that. God knew what He was doing too. God put Oklahoma on top of Texas, and when Texas thought it would extend its panhandle thick and wide going upwards toward Colorado, Oklahoma blocked it! That's right. We blocked it. Stay in your lane, Texas. You're good, Colorado; we've got your back! There will be no assimilation at this point; nope.
When we meet, you and I, and we have tea in the afternoon (yes, I'm also British in that my DNA fights for its rights to say I'm English or I'm Scottish. I'm literally the same amount of each with a bit of Italian and Iberian added in to behave myself.) you will notice that I have a Southern drawl. Mine is not as pronounced as others, but get my goat up a bit, and you'll hear me drop a few Southern charms that could cook your grits faster than a gnat can fly in your eyeball on a Spring evening. You're likely to hear me cussin' and fussin' if you wind me up too far, something I don't recommend, really, but if you're trying to see if I'm authentic or not, that's the best way to do it. Oh, and when I travel overseas (always to Scotland), you'll catch it too. I have NO idea why I sound so Southern when I hit the tartan moors. I just do.
One of the best things about being from the South is that I have the patience of Job most of the time, and I'm really good at explaining things because I figure someone may not fully understand me the first several times I say it, so I'll just hunker down, blow out my cheeks, give a smile and ask if it needs to be gone over again....or not. You may hear me breathe out a bit of a sigh and whisper, "Bless his heart" to myself, but that's just Southern for "God, he's an idiot! Please be with that man!" It's all good. At least I'm usually smiling when I say it. If a Southern woman ever stops smiling and she stares at you, crosses her arms, and shakes her head - - run.
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