Let me start off by saying I am not a medical doctor. My Ph.D. is in Administration. Throughout my educational journey, which if you know anything about the process, I was privileged to have taken and passed many hours or credit hours in subjects dealing with human nature. Depression and anxiety were covered in at least 18 hours of my tracts, and though I didn't choose to go into counseling, I do have a good mind and heart full of compassion for those who are suffering these mental illnesses. I can't say I have always been so compassionate or even caring, because that wasn't the case. For many years (and I do mean years) I was the one standing on the sidelines when I found or saw someone who just couldn't pull their own weight, or get it together, and I was complaining openly and to them personally, to pull up their bootstraps and make it happen! Wow, what a jerk! No lies. That was me. I was that person!
I've always been a tough nut really. Not much has been able to strip me of my bravado or my I-Can-Do-This attitude. I've been a warrior for myself since I was a kid, and because I have always made my own way I just assumed everyone else was able and willing, even capable of doing the same thing for themselves. It wasn't until more recently, maybe in the past two years or so, that I have realized that my ineptness to show empathy was even a problem. I have had friends (really good friends) tell me that all through the years of them knowing me they could always count on me bringing them out of their funk, or I'd have the tough-love approach they needed to get back on track. I suppose I counted that as a blessing and thought I had all the answers. I wasn't depressed. I wasn't anxious, and I didn't want them, my good friends, to be suffering, so I tried what I thought was the best approach. I wasn't very nice.
About two years ago I ran across a man who suffered both depression and anxiety. He is a musician and an artist so I immediately had that really rude and under the breath bias in my mind thinking something like, "of course he's depressed, he doesn't have a real job and thinks he can make it as a musician. It's a good thing he's married. At least she can pay the bills." I listened to all of his music videos. I bought his LPs. I saw that he was in a band actually, not only a solo artist, and I listened to the band's work as well. I was really impressed with his ability to sing, and he seemed absolutely genuine in his love for Christ as well as for his stand on trying to help those with alcohol, drug, and other addictions which can lead to mental illness. I had another thought of, "It takes one to know one, and maybe he can do more good there than I can. He' understands what they're going through, so he can be more open to their excuses when they say they can't work because they're just not ready to go into work and face the people." I had this mindset for about another year while I continued to watch him and listen to his podcasts about mental health awareness.
Over the course of time I realized I had been unfair to people with anxiety. I mean, no, I didn't have it, so I didn't understand it, but that didn't mean I needed to toss it to the wind and claim anyone with anxiety is just too weak to matter. I looked back over my own path and realized that I had Jesus with me, and I was supported by friends and some family, I didn't have the best family support. I wouldn't have and couldn't have leaned on a one of them really, but at least I had people praying for me. This guy really didn't have that. Even his own wife wasn't really praying for him. She was really too busy working, and making the ends meet. She really did pay the bills, and he stayed home to watch the kids and keep the house. There's no reason to think roles can't be reversed. I'm not that stone-hearted.
I enrolled in college in 1997, I was almost 36 years old. I divorced the same semester in November, and I was suddenly a single parent with 15 hours of college to handle as well as a full time job. I needed to move out of my three bedroom house into a one bedroom apartment with the kids, it had a little den that we called a 2nd bedroom. For years I worked 40 hours a week, studied, went to class, wrote essays, did research, mothered the kids, drove them to school, made arrangements for them to be kept after school, cooked, cleaned, did laundry, shopped, set and made appointments, and no, I didn't have a single penny in child support. I didn't have time to be depressed. I didn't have the luxury of being anxious, and there was NO WAY IN HELL I was going to play the victim card. I was a mother and I had a job to do! Getting my education was part of that process, and there I was in 2001, graduating with a Bachelors degree in Liberal Arts Pre Law, hoping to go on to Law School and be the best provider possible. That didn't happen.
My divorce court judge went beyond the scope of her job and authority, and she told me I could have the kids or go to Law School but not both. She said she knew the challenges. Not that I had just successfully worked a full time job, graduated with Honors and raised the kids on a shoestring budget; but hey, OK, I'll take the kids! If there was a time for depression and anxiety this was it. I had to make decisions about my life, not worry about what comes next or if I can handle it. I don't have to handle it. I have Jesus. I know that sounds incredibly trite to some who don't have Jesus, but if you do have Jesus you understand completely. I know the end has already been met, so I don't have to worry about it. That was and is still, my attitude about depression and anxiety, it's just that I don't bark at people now, and I don't throw those facts in their face with fervor. I try to lure and coax.
Getting a Ph.D. (though 90 hours) was a bit easier actually, the Masters is only 36 hours, not 124 like the Bachelors. I was able to do most if not all of the main courses at night, and my oldest was old enough by that time to watch the two younger kids. The Ph.D. was 100% online and both degrees were met on time and with higher grades than I expected. Again, I had to maintain a full time job, which by that time was teaching, and I owned an insurance company LLC and sold insurance online to make the bills! This is about the time my son brought home a disabled two-legged dog and I decided to leave my full time job and care for the dog, selling insurance was the only option at that time. For more about Faith, you can Google her; Faith the Two-Legged Dog. It's a thing, but not part of this blog really. I'm only including it to say that I had a lot on my plate and didn't even dream of thinking about it. I just put it in gear and made things happen.
Mental illness didn't hit me. Meanness hit me, rudeness hit me, but mental illness stayed away for the most part. I began noticing that my friends weren't as apt to come by, and my long time acquaintances weren't calling or sending cards at Christmas. Was it me? Could it be me? What did I do to piss them off to the point that they don't want to communicate? Another few (many) years went by before I realized how deep my harshness really was. It was 2019 when I woke up and found out that I needed to be a LOT more open to the way people feel and the way they handle or don't handle situations. I began really listening to the singer and his story. I began praying for him and following his recovery through his podcasts and interviews. He was really making a difference in the lives of so many and so many people really appreciated his help and understanding. I loved that. I wanted to be a better tool for Jesus and decided I would be.
Today, that very man, that singer, is taking a leave of absence from performing and even posting because he needs time for himself and his own health. He's suffering and he's in a great deal of mental anguish over what all is happening, what has happened, and in his mind, he can't seem to figure out what will happen, but he knows that he needs to take a few steps back and let Jesus have not only the reins, but the entire carriage. This is the type of balance I believe is meant for everyone. We have eyes on the inside too, and we need to open them to realize that we can't always be who everyone else thinks we should be. We need to be who we are, and try our best to better that person. We can't be strong for others if we're not first confident and strong for ourselves. We can get there with Jesus. It's next to impossible, no matter what anyone else says, to do it without Jesus. No, you don't have to be RELIGIOUS to have Christ. In fact, religion is often the problem! Be open, be honest, be willing, and ask Jesus to help you. He will.
We all have our own lives to live. I can't expect another person to do what I expect myself to do. I can't expect myself to do what I know is impossible. We need to know our limits. That goes without saying when we talk about addictions, but in recovery, we have to set limits too. Being responsible is just as important as being aware. Taking full responsibility for our own actions, good and bad, is the very least (and first thing) we can do. I choose to pray and I choose to let God help me. I know there are many many paths to take - - the journey is never smooth. Take a friend, and be kind to yourself and others. We really don't know what lies behind the eyes of a wounded soul. Even if their face is smiling.
Photo Credit: Atort Photography
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