So, yeah, it may just be a Southern thang, but I do put melted cheddar cheese on top of my hot homemade apple pie. Don't get me wrong, if I have to buy the pie from the store, I'm still slicing off a chunk of good old sharp cheddar and sticking that puppy in the microwave. (Please don't write to me asking me if I stick puppies in microwaves.) I love my apple pie, and yes ma'am, yes sir, I do love my cheddar cheese on top of it. I know, you can do ice cream alongside it too if you want to, but it needs to be vanilla. Some days call for chocolate, I understand that fact, but not apple pie with cheddar days. You need to get your Southern book out for that one and maybe highlight the paragraph that talks about it, maybe dogear the corner of the page so you can find your place when you need to show your friends.
Now that I think about it, maybe I should just go off and write an actual book about Southern thangs we do, and why is it that we do them. We're not uncommon, not rare, just Southern, and we do things. We don't always ask why we do things, but we know why we do them - - we do them because our mommas did them, and we do them because their mommas did them, and you never argue with your granny, not if you know what's good for you. So, if you're Southern, and you mind your granny, you do what she and your momma do and did and you just shrug your shoulders a bit to explain it. You can even roll your eyes as long as neither one of them is looking at you when you do it. Make sure you turn your back when you roll those eyes, and check to be sure your little cousins aren't watching too closely.
Southern ladies are apt to just say some of the craziest things you've ever heard come out of a woman's mouth. One minute she's sweet as strawberry cream fillin' and the next she's sharper than a brass tack glued to a chair seat. You're gonna feel it when she snaps at you. God save your ass if she ever shakes her head and calmly tells you everything's fine - - it ain't fine. Walk away, don't turn your back, just walk away. My Southern roots feel a bit deeper now and then, especially when I reach for a garden hose to get a drink and cool myself off from working the horses. I may just jump in their water trough with my boots on; it's easier to do that than to walk back to the barn with socked feet and picking up stickers along the way. Leather dries.
I've even been known (from time to time) to cuss a man up one side and another for not fixing whatever it was that I paid him to fix, but then turned around and talked to him at church that next Sunday as if nothing ever happened. He knows what he didn't do. I know what he didn't do, then when it comes time for me to talk to Jesus and say I'm sorry for cussing at the man, I tell him I have to talk to Jesus but when I do I'm going to tell Jesus the truth about what happened and why it was that I had to lose my mind for a second. I usually get an apology out of the man and a promise to come back and do the job right because he knows I'm likely to ask Jesus to put him on his ear for stealing my money! If I had to be honest about it, I'd tell you that Jesus already knows both sides to the story, and He's used to me explaining things before I get around to asking for forgiveness; He made me. He knows me.
I wasn't born in a posh upper-middle-class family where I was sent off to boarding school to learn how to be proper and to say things in such a way that my point is made with gentility and quaint precision. No, this woman is a Southern woman, and not just a Southern woman, but I'm from the Great State of Oklahoma, where it can confidently be said that I am a football fanatic, love my Sooners, swear and cuss by them, and if I don't like what's coming out of your mouth I may open up my mouth to not only add a couple of cents worth of my opinion, but I'm likely to adjust your skull and bend your ear backward until you see things my way -- again, being a woman it's probably going to end up being my way anyway - - and then I'll probably ask you if you've eaten yet, and tell you that dinner is at six. I'll even let you know what I'm cooking! Yes, I will expect you to be there if I let you know I'm cooking, and yes, I do expect you to eat whatever it is that I make. That's another Southern thang; but yeah, it's a good thang.
Most Southern women are good-hearted women, long-suffering, quick to get a little pissy (not drunk, but upset) and we're likely to call you a fool, thump you on the head, or simply shake our heads and say "Bless your heart" It's all the same thing -- you're an idiot, we know it, you know it, now the world knows it, so either straighten up or get the boot. We're into boots here too, they may not be pretty and all dainty like, maybe some of them even have a little stink still left on them from cleaning a stall or two, but it's better to be kicked by a boot anyway than one of those stiletto heels, right? I would think so. That all being said, you should know that being a Southern woman in these days just is not (ain't) the same as it was back in the day -- we're sort of losing our touch if you ask me. Used to be a Southern woman could stare you down and give you the stink eye and you didn't have to ask what was going on in her pretty little head - - today I've seen idiots ask her to let them know what she's thinking - - mind you, it takes a fairly good-sized fool to do that.
If you're only been around women from up north of the Mason-Dixon line, and you're not understanding what I'm saying, do yourself a favor and come sit a spell down South. Grab a chair on the porch, sit back, and enjoy momma's sweet tea with maybe a buttered biscuit if she's got any left from breakfast. Pour a little honey on it, and just listen to the ladies talk. You don't have to chime in if you don't want to, just listen to them jabber on about what it is that caught their attention, what they did during the day, what Sunday's sermon had to add to the way she decided to handle herself, and let her sweet drawl just lure you into knowing you're going to be OK soon enough. We get over whatever it is that got over on us pretty quickly - - that's another really really good thang about Southern women, we know how to hold a helluva grudge if we need to, but most of the time we let it go - - if you stay out of our kitchens. (Stay out of our kitchens)
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