I won't apologize for the content of this blog. This is going to be one of those times when the truth needs to be not only told but heard. This is one of those times when I speak my mind because it may assist or help others to understand that it really is OK not to be OK all the time. You're allowed to feel down, you're allowed to be upset, you're allowed to be angry about a situation as long as you also take a moment to fully understand and appreciate that even if something is your fault, you are not defined by your mistakes. You are defined by how you respond and what you do after you realize you've made the mistake. You simply cannot beat yourself up over and over again about something you may have been a party to that got out of hand. Own your mistake, yes, but move forward from it, and learn from it. No one has the right to strong-arm you (bully) into believing you are worthless or worth less. There is a difference.
YOU are a magnificent being in and of yourself. Our God, Himself, made you in such a way as to be uniquely crafted. Not only are you made in His image, but He literally only made one of you. You are therefore the best you out there, and not one of us, no matter who we are, can say you are less valued than ourselves or anyone else. YES...yes, there are those people who live and breathe by trying to one-up someone else and when that person, or a person like that, is married to a person who has a history of PTSD, lower self-worth, or anxiety, it can really be a volatile and vulnerable thing indeed. I am talking very specifically here, and where I know that my friend will read this blog and understand I am speaking about him, this blog is also about others who are too hurt to step forward; thank God my friend is strong enough to allow me to share a bit of his story to help those who live (and have lived) through similar circumstances. Where this story may or may not fit your story to a T, it may strike a chord, or it may ring a bell, and if it does, I want you to KNOW, not think, but to KNOW that there are people out there who will never condone such behavior - - it's not that hard to find us. Look for us! We want to help.
My very close friend is a man. He is currently going through a divorce that he realizes now is long long overdue. Not one of us, his friends or family, would have wanted or hoped that his 17-year marriage would end in such a manner. He and his wife have two daughters, they raised and fostered another child who is grown now and living on his own. They have started a very successful business together, and when the divorce is settled, he will likely buy her portion of the business out so that he can work on rebuilding all that he has lost over the past few years to her constant abusive behavior and attitude which manifested itself both emotionally and finally (after many years of verbal abuse) into physical abuse. I say finally because once the physical abuse began and (we'll call him John) John could determine that what she was actually doing was wrong, he finally found help through speaking to male friends who he believed would understand. He was absolutely too embarrassed to tell any of his close friends who were female because what he was going through was quite difficult to express in words that we would comprehend. When He did tell me what was happening, I just stood in my tracks and wanted to cry for him. I wasn't sure if I could even reach out and hug him, or if even that sort of touch would bring back painful flashbacks of what he has been enduring over the past few years as the abuse escalated.
John is in his late 30's and his wife is just a few years older. She had been married before and claimed to have been abused. John felt that she would be a perfect partner because of her history with being abused, perhaps she would be able to understand his emotional stress (baggage) from being left to fend for himself as well as to try and defend himself against an accusation that labeled him undesirable as far as society was concerned. He wasn't actually guilty of the crime he was accused of, but through low self-worth, he confessed to something he didn't do in order to protect who he thought loved him. Not only did it leave him with a permanent criminal record, but his character was also scarred as well, making it very difficult for him to be employed if he was to be around money, children, or older people who needed specialized care. Because his degree was in Music, John wanted to teach and become a music minister for a church. Those dreams were flushed when he admitted to a crime his partner had committed.
When he met his wife she seemed ideal. She was pretty, young enough to still want to start a family with him, and she even suggested that he stay home and raise the kids. She had a son she was raising, a foster child who was 7 or 8 by this time. They began a modest life in a modest house, in a modest part of England where he was rarely questioned about his past. Things were rocking along rather well until he wanted to bring more of his own personality to the forefront, which of course meant she would need to take over some of the house duties. Her argument was that she already "brought home the bacon" and she felt that she was cutting him a deal by "allowing" him to be unseen and under wraps. Isn't that what he wanted? Why was he trying to be more now? After ten years she had grown to understand that his role was at home while hers was in public where she would be honored and praised for all of the hard work she was willing to do, all of the sacrifices she had to make because he was apparently not capable of bringing in a decent income with his past haunting him, literally dogging him, and biting at his heels constantly. It's just that John had found a way to put his past behind him, over time, and now he wanted to let the world see his talents as a writer and singer; couldn't he have the best of both worlds? Wouldn't she as his partner and wife want him to achieve more? He thought so, but he was mistaken.
There were highs and lows, ebbs and flows, ups and downs, and when I tell you that I heard about every one of these events I am being 100% honest with you. I listened to John, I talked with his wife. I watched them, I asked questions. I prayed for their marriage. I prayed for their singular hope of becoming one again, being strong enough to work through it. Both of them were Christians, I wanted the best for the girls mostly. Having to hear mom and dad fuss and fight constantly is just no way to live, they say the children are always the victims, and where that's true, John was certainly hurt pretty hard.
I would say it started with lies about him at the office. She told family members he would say or do things he never said or did. These were things he would not likely ever be told about, but the looks were unmistakable and the comments at times, were just a bit too telling too. She had obviously begun expanding on those stories, maybe exaggerating just enough to garner a bit of pity for herself. Isn't that the standard game plan? Eventually, it came down to John realizing that he was being lied about and he stood up for himself a couple of times, only to be slammed back into his hole of depression and anxiety when the two were alone at home and she was literally blaming him for why they couldn't have nice things, go on fun vacations, or keep a bit of money in savings. He was always to blame, it was his fault for not working, not bringing in enough money, but if he worked they would have to find daycare for the girls, and it would all wash out in the end. These were the years that he was needed at home, and with COVID and lockdown, there was absolutely no way he could go out and get a job making enough to cover daycare when the girls were home from school! Lockdowns caused a few couples to focus in on what those vows actually meant. No one expected for better or worse to be worse. Not really.
Those vows we take are real. For better or worse is not optional. It is what it is. For richer or poorer is gut-wrenching when poorer shows up, and then couples are expected through Christ to cherish too! What? I mean yeah, cherish is sort of thing. How many actually fulfill that one on a daily (hourly) basis after years of marriage? Most couples struggle to meet eye to eye on finance, sex, raising children, discipline, school work, housekeeping, jobs, religion, and politics. I know my own parents were rather unique in this manner, I can honestly say that my daddy worshipped the ground my momma walked on, and she, to the day he died, breathed his air as if it were her own. They were in love; but they were not without issues, arguments, troubles. I will tell you this openly, my daddy never laid a hand on my mother, and she would have never dreamed of hurting him either. John's wife never met my parents, and apparently, for her, it was acceptable to slap his face from time to time when she was upset. After the face came the punch to the stomach, and after she got away with that enough times, she punched him in the groin so hard that he was sent to the E.R. TWICE.
My eyes well up when I think about it. My throat begins to close when I imagine the pain that both of them went through to get to the point that they could harm the one they promised to stand beside come what will, come what may. It took eleven hard, long, agonizing months of abuse before John began sleeping separately, and another year before he finally broke down and began making plans to leave his wife. Not being the breadwinner, he had to plan a way to escape without losing his children. He had to find employment, be able to obtain, maintain, and manage his own apartment, but having never had a place in his own name before, that was not an easy task. He didn't have any family to help. One of our friends co-signed. I couldn't as I wasn't in England. I wanted to. I sent money because money is all I could send. (and love of course)
John's history of self-hate kicked in, but he was such a pro at wearing the mask of civility that we were fooled for such a long time. He would say he was fine. He and his wife appeared at parties, online, in photos, memes, comments, you name it, they looked perfect -- that was the goal. They pulled it off, and no one was the wiser, but everyone was the loser in this scenario. No one comes out smiling or smelling like a rose when abuse is the flavor of the day over and over again. My God, and I mean it, MY GOD, I am thankful that John stopped his madness and was strong enough to put an end to his anguish. His suffering was longstanding, it was overt, it was covert, it was detailed in his prayers but not to anyone who would have beaten back the jungle to find a way to help him. I can't imagine the sorrow his heart created for itself having to suffer for so long alone. Literally alone because he didn't want anyone to know of his defeat. He placed the blame of it all on himself. This is so typical of those who have been through such terror; it's a vicious incredible cycle that can't stop if someone doesn't seek help. We didn't know his wife was secretly drinking, staying out late with "friends" and gambling online. He hid those facts to protect her, trying to get her the help he felt she needed. All the while, every time she screwed up, somehow it was his fault.
Oh, I beg you. I plead with you, and I implore you to please ask for help if someone is hurting you or making you feel as if you are to blame for something they are doing but they are too much of a coward to let you stand on your own. I pray you will seek God's help, man's help, friend's help, church help, some sort of real help to get out from the quagmire that can cause you to conjure imagines of yourself being less than what you are - - YOU ARE AWESOME! If you haven't done so yet today, please thank God for your existence. I don't know you, but you being here is glorious, and we are all connected somehow. If you weren't here we would all be less -- you make us more. You fulfill us. We are all subject to being hurt. Let's all be willing to stand up and help when we can.
That really is all I have to say about it - - except that I am so proud of John for realizing that even though he has put 17 years into this relationship, he doesn't have to continue it if it means he is forced to be held back and put down for having his own opinion and desires. He is truly a hero to me today. God made a really good one when He made John and when the rapture comes, and you're up there - - you'll find him someday, he'll be the one smiling, knowing that God never makes mistakes, and John (and you) are proof of that fact.
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