I feel as if I have already written this blog in the past and it may not have been so very long ago really. I just feel the need, the draw, and the pull actually to get it out again and to state it as matter of factly so that I myself can benefit from reading my own words and following any direction I may choose to give to myself. I'm truly the only person I ever expect to read my blogs and to possibly follow my good advice. I can't advocate for anyone else really, no one other than myself, but I am the best advocate that I have personally. I work myself over and over again until I believe whatever it is that I'm trying to get across to myself. My head and heart battle over the do's and don'ts all the time. I blame it on the fact that I'm nearly as much Scottish as I am (damned) Engish, and therefore, I can't stand myself at times. Surely I know better than to trust the British side in me; but there I go folly, folly, folly. It's just such a great thing to know that God is there waiting on me to once again (and again, and again) call upon Him to settle matters.
Every day I have a daily Bible verse pop up on a phone app telling me this or that, and leading me into either a time of devotion with God or maybe it just reminds me of something I already knew but needed to hear again. That happens more often than not. Today it was letting me know that a woman (or man) who fears God is blessed. That person who knows and fears God is not only wise but on the right track to being able to literally leave every single issue or burden down and just walk away from it knowing God will take care of it. Today is one of those prayerful, burden-leaving, trust-and-obey days. I'm just at another down-to-the-wire moment, and I have nowhere to turn so what I do is always, always, always, fix my eyes back on God, head for the closet, sit awhile, pray, listen, and talk. I know by the time I get up off the chair and walk out of the closet two things will happen; one, the dog will be waiting for me outside the doors, and two God doesn't stay in the closet. He's with me too. I know this. He never leaves me.
I have an assignment that I'm having difficulty with. This particular assignment, which I know was given to me directly from God, has been not only burdensome, but increasing frustrating, and it really does seem to be going nowhere. I've been working on the assignment for nearly two years and nothing seems to feel satisfactory to me so I know it's me. I know I'm the one with the problem. I'm not called upon to analyze the assignment, but to do it. Just pray. I'm called upon to pray for one particular person and I may never know what goes on in his life, but I'm to continue to pray and let God have it, whatever "it" is.
It just seems from what I see, read, hear, and know, that this man won't let go of his burdens; holding onto them as if he doesn't trust God to take them from him. He won't let go and let God heal him from inside out. It seems as if he's bent on remaining in a bad situation, pretending to be happy, pretending all is well, but all the while the outward signs point (very obviously) in another direction. He's gained an enormous amount of weight over the past year due to stress eating; he's a recovering addict so he has to eat rather than take drugs or drink - - for that I'm happy, but he's just hurting himself over and over again. There is both heart conditions and Diabetes in his family, so the overweight issue is compounded. This bothers me as where he lives is all but known for their poor diet and lack of routine exercise. The thing is, he's not mine, I can't help him any more than to just pray over him - - which ended up being 50 times a day! (OK that's an exaggeration, but still)
Well, yesterday I decided to think about, rethink about, and re-pray about those excessive numbers of prayers being poured out of myself for him because I really am not seeing any real improvement and it's causing me to become a bit stressed which can't happen. He's not mine to worry about. I can't have him, he's not mine to keep. He's literally an assignment. I was minding my own business and God asked me to pray for him. I asked God what I should do now, and what I could do about it, and the obvious and sad answer was to let go. I mean, I'm not stopping my prayers for the guy no, but I can't get wrapped up in trying to figure out if he's moving in the direction God wants him to go in because I need to move in the direction God wants for me. I am not supposed to try and live the life of someone else. I can't choose what they need to do, I can only pray, lift them up, ask for their protection, seek God's will for them, but then just let it go - - let God do what God does. It's hard.
After you've been praying for one man for two years and you know he's in extreme pain mentally, emotionally, and now obviously physically, you can't help but crash inside, and I don't know about you, but my heart cries. I literally bawl sometimes thinking that this man, who is thousands of miles from me, and lightyears away really, could ever feel the connection God has given me with him. He can't. I am not his assignment. He is mine. It's not an easy thing to explain to people either. People think the way they think, which is usually not the way I think. I'm an ENTJ on the Myer-Briggs test of personalities, which if you don't know what that means, you may not understand my passion or compassion. If you do know that that means you know I'm not about to abandon my assignment.
I have the man's photo on my desk to remind me to pray for him. When people ask who he is I'm apt to say a friend rather than admit he's an assignment given to me by Almighty God. People tend to walk away when you bring up overtly Christian traits like prayer assignments. Funny isn't it? Our preachers talk and teach of angels and their feats, but try and tell someone (even another Christian) that you speak to your Guardian Angel and you're looked upon as a freak - - yeah, well, OK, be envious! My G.A. and I have had YEARS to get to know one another. I don't worship Sam, I ask him for advice, and it's always the same. He says "Ask God, not me."
Christians are often the worst advocates for other Believers. If one Believer's beliefs differ from another the other won't communicate with the first believing they are heretic or that they are trying to be more pious than others. It's been happening for eons so there's nothing new about it, but it really rankles my insides when I try to explain my assignment to another Believer only to have them say I'm obsessed, or that I'm pathetic to think this or that --- no, what I am is stupid for trying to explain my walk with Christ to someone whose walk isn't continuous because if they had a continuous walk with Christ they too would have an assignment or two and they'd understand rather than being harsh, rude and unnecessarily hurtful.
Believe me when I say I would not be able to tell even my assignment that he is my assignment, without backlash and hard words from him. He's normal like that. Though he is a Believer he would likely feel that his wife is the one called upon to pray for him. Well, hello -- if that's the case she can have you! You're not the easiest man to pray for, but since she's NOT praying for you, I guess God had to find someone else. (OK, sorry, I had to get that out)
Well, God has given me the go-ahead to let him go and to walk away to some degree. I am able now to not hurt and not cry as much when I realize that even his own wife and mother don't pray for him daily; not his friends, not his father, not his children, not even those who "follow" him or listen to him. They are just that, followers. He is not at the core of anyone's heart and that is my burden, a burden I don't understand but accept. God placed him on my heart - - to carry him and I will. I just can't get as close as I did, allowing my heart to care more than it really has a right to do. I am to pray. I am to watch. I am to listen, but I am not to want. I am to remember that God never told me to keep him, just to lift him in prayer for wisdom, protection, his addiction, and his emotional/mental state - - and let it go. Pray - and let it go. Let go, damn it, let go. It's not easy to do.
Agony of agonies. I wish it was that simple, but his eyes hurt and they are so full of compassion for many. His heart breaks, and it is full of despair from years of self-abuse and self-hate. I have never experienced that; having always been with a loving and caring Christian family and in loving and God-fearing fellowship from the day I was born - - so blessed. My prayer remains fast. I won't change that because I won't fail my order from God; but I am now having to depart from offering even the slightest of empathy because it returns void to me and sears me like a hot iron; I give but it is not being accepted or returned by him, which I have to remember is not the assignment. God accepts my prayer.
God accepts and returns my hope. Why do I have to be so damned human? Wouldn't it be so much easier to just have a good old-fashioned Rapture and be done with this? My problems, his problems, all gone. There isn't a single problem that either of us or for that matter any Believer, that the Rapture can't and won't cure. Let's do this. Let's go Home. Until that moment God, I thank you for my charge, and I promise to let him be yours to correct, yours to direct, yours to protect, and yours to administer love to. I will just do what I'm told to do - - because that's the only way I know. Trust and obey.
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