Apparently, and I mean this with every cell in my body because now every cell in my body feels my ultimate failure; I suck at jumping rope. I am the 3rd worst person in the world at it. I can't claim to be the absolute worst, as I am positive there must (must) be someone who is even less apt at this than myself. If I am correct, I hope this person steps up to announce themselves, because at this moment I am feeling rather alone in my non-conquest. There are no worries that I will give up jumping rope, no, that will not happen. I will master this skill and I will become one of the world's almost-ok jump ropers; it will happen.
Jumping rope, so you know, burns more than 200 calories in just 10 minutes. This is the 2nd reason I decided to take it up as a hobby, the first reason is that it's cheap, fun, and I can do it anywhere. I think that may qualify as being three separate reasons, but I use them as one combined reason because the fact that you burn more than 200 calories in just 10 minutes is really hard to beat for a number one reason. You have to admit that. Anything that can burn more than 200 calories in just 10 minutes is worth doing for 20 minutes if you can - - damn the torpedoes, this is getting done.
I went all out for this because that's what you do. You go all out so that you can't back out. If you go all out you say to yourself, "Hey, you went all out, you spent money, you put the time in, you're doing this" whereas if you just pick up a $2.00 piece of plastic and jump over it a few times you have the option of throwing it away or using it somehow in your next murder novel. Plastic is cheap and you can dispose of it rather easily if it's thin enough. For instance, you can brick up a wall and stretch the murder weapon along with the bricks and bury it; be sure and clean all DNA off of it of course. I'M KIDDING - C'mon, I'm an author, I do that. I kill people.
If you go all out you buy the best (or nearly the best) rope, a leather rope with wooden handles. They have handles now that count the rotations but let's be honest, I don't need that at this point. I am still working on the hopping over the rope part without tripping and falling on my face - - again. I may need to do this in front of a mattress or padded floor. If you go all out you buy ankle wraps, wrist wraps, good barefoot type shoes, and at least a high impact bra if not two; unless you're a man, and then maybe one will suffice. I need two. I suck at being small-chested as well.
Jumping rope is an art as well as a sport folks. If you're about to run a marathon you practice for months before you actually do it, and that's the same thing with a jump rope. My son (of course) laughed at me and told me to "Suck it up, buttercup, this is just round one", because he has a few tricks up his sleeve and he's not even wearing a shirt! He's over there jumping, skipping, hopping, moving his feet one at a time all the while rolling and tossing the rope both under his feet and he's even crossing the rope before he does that! What kind of maniac did I raise? I swear I never saw this boy (when he was a boy) jumping rope before - - the girls and I did, but we're girls and we do that. He was always into anything that he could hit, knock over, roll over, throw, or punch. When did he learn to jump rope? (Oh, so yeah, he tells me that as a private in the U.S. Army it's required to learn jump roping for coordination and dexterity. Who knew? Must be one of those secrets the Armed Forces keeps from us civies.)
I was given the order by my personal trainer/son to hop in place for 30 seconds and only lift my feet about two inches off the ground. I am to keep my face forward, my core tight, my wrists out and my elbows into my body. I'm to nod if I need to but not look down. I do that for 30 seconds, rest 30, jump 30, rest 30, and do this 15 times. This is my morning and evening routine until I can add the rope. HE TOOK MY NEW ROPE FROM ME! He said I'm going to end up hurting myself and he needs me to make waffles in the morning. Fine! I know when I'm loved.
After I get the hopping down I'll add the rope and see if I can do it correctly. I still jump two hops for one swing and I can't do that. I'm not supposed to do it, but I do it. I guess old habits are hard to break and I must have learned that as a kid. Once I get the regular jumping down I can do it for 30, then off 30, then on 30 and when I can do it well enough I can jump 30 and be off 10 seconds. This is the routine for beginners and I am most certainly a beginner - - GREEN as green gets, I make emerald look pale. I am flat out no good at this - - yet. I will get better. I don't have an option. If there's anyone who can make me stand up and face my demons it is me. I may not be the best roper, but I am a commander! Get 'er done!
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