I'm not so cynical (most of the time anyway) that I would say that all men are pigs or that all men this or that. I know that saying "all" anything is too generic, too open, too vague, and I won't be a part of being that generalized unless I'm saying with absolute certainty that "All dogs go to Heaven" because we know that they do. Most men, most men, I can say that most men fall into one or two categories for me. There are the men who understand that a woman is going to love her horse, and there are men who don't understand that fact, and those men are usually the ones that I see standing outside my barn rather than inside the barn helping to feed the horses. Most men, in my experience, have good natures, they have good souls, they have good intentions, and they have a good enough chance of finding someone who will be nice to them long enough to marry them, then they have to pay the price for not asking as many questions as maybe they should have; it happens. I made that mistake myself. ONCE. It won't happen again.
At my age, I've made so many mistakes when it comes to both horses and men that I feel that I have a rather unique perspective on the question as to whether or not I should be interested in obtaining one or the other of them in the future. Currently, I am without either one. I gave my last rescue to a family with kids because I need to focus on promoting my new book, get as many copies of it sold so I can move comfortably to Scotland, where I may or may not continue a quest for the horse, but I know I won't be out in the cobbled streets of Edinburgh tracking down a man - - not going to happen. Here are a few reasons why I might find myself catching a bus to the ends of the route, then hailing a taxi to take me further out to see a pony or two. I'd pay for one, not the other.
With horses, you never have to worry about where they slept last night. You put them in their stall, or you know the pasture gate is secure. If the fence is good, you don't have to worry about them skipping over it to another pasture to check out the greener grass. You rarely, if ever have to worry about someone else coming into your barn space to flirt with your gelding, and if she did, he wouldn't really be all that interested, he'd just want the apple in her hand. The second she surrendered it he would be back in your good graces with a winnie or nudge of his big thick skull, letting you know that yours are the only hands he wants brushing him out anyway - - she was just carrying the apple, and it was, you know, an apple.
With horses you know you're going to be out every penny you earn, there's no guessing or wondering about it. It is what it is. You don't and you won't expect the horse to bring home the bacon, work a steady job, keep his promises about not arguing with the boss this week, and he won't be fired and leave you holding the bag again because you know what, he never intended on assisting you with holding the bags, paying the bills, running the kids to wherever it is that they need to go to, and a horse will never, and I do mean never, ask you out of sheer insecurity, where you've been and who you've been with. He doesn't have to. He knows you're loyal to him, it's a given. C'mon, it's the horse! Who wouldn't be faithful to their horse? Even if you did want to go over to the next stall and pet another gelding or even a mare right in front of him, your horse really doesn't mind - - probably even expects it if you're honest with yourself.
A man makes promises. A horse never makes promises. A man breaks dates. A horse never breaks a single date. A man forgets your birthday, anniversaries, special occasions, and where he left his wallet. A horse doesn't know your birthday, doesn't care about anniversaries, so he'll never remind you about them, or expect presents on any given day as long as you keep grain coming when it's supposed to be there, and as long as you brush him off after a good stiff ride -- never leave your horse sweaty, he does care about that. That's about the only thing he'll get pissy with you about actually unless you cinch him up too tightly when you saddle -- there's that.
A man asks questions he shouldn't ask. He buys things he shouldn't buy. He argues with you about things he doesn't even have much knowledge about and tries to convince you that you're the one with the bigger ego or problem, and he stands there seeking an apology for something he started in the first place. That won't happen in the barn; it just won't. You can slap a horse's ass pretty hard and he'll just look at you. You can spray him down with cold water whenever you get the mind to do so. You can throw a rope around his neck and tighten it without him freaking out on you, and the one thing I really like about being with a horse is that you can fart and he flat out never blinks. He may try to outdo you, but you won't hear a word about it. Nope. Not happening. A horse can be a little wild, and really, that's what we like about them -- strength, power, controlled power. Nothing feels more empowering than to be with someone (OK, something) that bursts with energy and stares you down to see if you're even worthy of their time. If a man looked at me like that, he'd see my backside as I walked away. I won't be challenged by a man -- but a horse is another story.
Yeah, I know, you can't take a horse to dinner, and you can't dance with one either, not really. You can't cuddle or snuggle and you can't play checkers with one. You can watch football with your horse, and when you do you don't have to wonder if he's secretly hoping your quarterback breaks his leg or that the ball is picked off; horses don't follow sports that well. They eat grass, walk around slowly, and from time to time accompany you on a trail ride where the two of you can be alone and you can share your secrets. That's another thing right there; a horse will NEVER tell your secrets, and he'll never sleep with your best friend or sister - - well, I mean, he may, but it won't be likely to happen, I'll say that.
A horse smells really good when they sweat too, by the way. Men don't always pull that off as well as a horse. Men shouldn't try to wear tight leather really, but a horse can and does, and nothing looks more natural, and nothing looks more comfortable on one. Horses may grow grey but they don't usually lose their hair, and they accept pretty much anything you say to be fact. They wear what you buy them, they eat what you feed them, they follow you, and even hope you stay a little longer. Most of the time they do. There is that occasional horse that would rather see you pull away in your car but for the most part they are loving and wanting you to know it.
I guess what I'm saying is, you can geld a horse if he becomes too much to handle, with a man you may be out of luck in most states if you attempted to remedy the situation by castration. Just sayin' (and I'm not lying, it really is illegal in every state, I imagine.) with a horse you know what you're getting after just a few hours with him. I mean, yeah, you may want to go back for a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, or 5th ride to be sure he's the one you want to spend the rest of your cash on, but you know pretty soon if he's telling the God's honest truth about where he's been the past few years, and when he gets older you don't have to go looking for another one right away, they do live to be 35 years old. You can bank on having a good solid relationship for years to come if you start out with a good one to begin with.
God knew what He was doing when He made the horse, that's for sure. God made woman for man, this is true, but He never said women had to keep a man longer than he was welcome. You can't sell a man, you can't even trade him; you just have to give him up and walk away or keep him until he dies. There are reasons to do that you know, I'm not saying there isn't. If one was worth keeping until the day he died and God brought him my way, then told me "This one is yours Jude, you're welcome" yeah, I'd keep him, but God Himself would have to make that happen because I'm not looking for one. You may find me at the auction house someday going over the geldings but you'll not see me eye-balling a man the same way I google and drool over horse flesh. There's just something about horses and girls; it's in us from the first day we draw breath, and maybe beforehand.
God knew what He was doing when He made each one of us, so if He wants me to be with another man He will have to make that happen - - and in such a way that I would KNOW it was God doing it, and not me making another mistake - - I'd rather just saddle up and ride into the sunset with someone (something) I know I can love and be loved by, something I can trust and be trusted by, something I can be sure will always give more than what I could ever give to him -- yeah, God knew what He was doing when he made the horse. They are so perfect.
Norman. My BLM Mustang Photo Credit: Karen Overy
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