Oh let me count the ways -- when I go to the store I often like to sit back (if I have time) and just people watch. It's one of the more interesting and absolutely the most entertaining part of my trip. I tell Laura I'm going to Home Depot to "pretend" I own a house and I look at literally everything in the store to see if I could use it in my pretend house, but while I'm there I tend to let my eyes wander off to the various couples I see shopping together; or not together. It depends on what they are at the store for I suppose, but there are times when couples are together, pushing the basket side by side, and other times they are aisles apart in their own little world(s) seemingly coming together either at the cashier's station, outside by Lawn & Garden, because everyone ends up there eventually, or you see them slowing making their individual way back to the car at their own leisurely pace. Every couple has a story or two to tell even if they aren't broadcasting it. Sometimes they broadcast it and every other issue they have in their marriage.
Today's events were both unpleasant and horrifying to watch, but watch I did, I was indeed watching. I was listening to, and the thought even occurred to me that for her safety I may even want to start videoing their overtly loud conversation. It amazes me how people often (literally) forget that there are others in the same community, right there in the same store, in the same aisle, standing less than five feet from them, but they just keep right on fighting. Verbal abuse is nothing short of abuse-abuse, it's real, it's ugly, it's mean, it's nasty, it's uncalled for, and in public, it should be considered illegal if it reaches a point of making complete strangers uncomfortable.
If I have to worry whether or not my gun is accessible, I should just simply walk away from whatever it is that the people near me are "discussing" but then again, if I walk away she may be vulnerable. I could be the only thing keeping her safe from his hands; but it sure didn't help matters that she wouldn't shut up and stop nagging him about whatever it was that broke at home that caused them to come into the Home Depot to get a replacement part. If I know exactly what happened, I'm pretty sure she's reminded him a dozen times. I decided walking away was best, and as soon as it was safe to pass them I did exactly that. I couldn't exit the other end of the aisle, as they had blocked it off with one of their big orange machines and fencing. I was sort of trapped with Mr. and Mrs. Loud-and-Unruly.
Whatever happened to the vows these people took? Whatever happened to their endless love? Whatever happened to cherish, love, respect, honor, and for all things holy, whatever happened to just being calm about the situation and coming together to fix it? Even if it is his fault, work with him. If it's her fault, work with her. Both of you, work it out, talk it out, you don't need to blame, point fingers, get all in each other's faces about it. It happened, move forward, and stop bringing it to light in public where everyone can and will know that neither one of you knows how to keep a promise made to each other regarding how you will forever be each other's stronghold. Marriage should not be about scores and points, and your fault, my fault, their fault, or your family, my family. Marriage is between two not 15. Marriage is a union of two not everyone. I know they say when you marry someone you marry their family, but no you don't. I won't. I would absolutely NEVER marry someone's messed up, baggage toting, breaking-every-type-of-social-norm family; nope.
Maybe it's because I'm older than the ancient Roman ruins, and I can remember when people treated each other better, but if I ever married again I would make it perfectly clear that I don't bring my family to the table and he doesn't bring his either. We are not seeking their approval, we are not seeking their assistance, we are not seeking their opinion, and we are not seeking their involvement. Sure, we can visit his family (I won't be bringing him home to meet my family other than my kids) and that's my choice. It will be something discussed and understood before I agree to marry; and believe me, I won't change my mind. I don't even know if that's possible for me to do such a thing. (Not really remembering the last time I changed my mind after making a decision).
It may be because I've just seen so much, heard so much, witnessed it, and refuse to accept it for myself. It may be because I think marriage is precious, something you work for, but you shouldn't have to fight for it, because there shouldn't be fighting in the first place if you do what you're supposed to do in that first place. (OK, this is where I get all churchy and say if the husband does as God directs he won't have an issue with his wife....EVER.)
I drove home and thought about Mr. and Mrs. and how they couldn't even breathe without spitting at each other. I talked to God on the way home. I told Him what He already knew; that I will forever stay perfectly single before allowing my heart to bleed the impurity of what I saw in that store. Before I could subject my soul, time, effort, love, feeling, (did I say time) or OK, I'll say it, before I give my money to what could possibly end up looking like what I saw, I would and want to remain absolutely alone. I don't mind being alone. I would NEVER treat myself that way. I would never berate myself. I would never hate and disrespect myself; and I can sure as hell make it on my own without putting myself into a situation where I would be made publicly embarrassed to be seen with the man who swore before God and witnesses that he would cherish me. I would forever remain with me and me alone! (well, except God is there, and of course Sam, my Guardian Angel).
"To have and to hold; to honor and cherish"; those words actually mean something to me. "From this day forward" has NO END. It doesn't matter if it is 364 days later, or 18,448 days later, if the man I married on Day 1 decides to disrespect me he's no longer worthy of my promise. He has to answer to God. He has presented me to be blemished, he has caused me to be less than presentable, and he is not in God's will at that point. How many marriages do you think you could count today with that high of a bar being set? You're like me, I don't know many either. I do know one, maybe even two right off the top of my head -- but the vast majority of marriages today fall so completely short of what marriage is supposed to be that there's no way to even call what they have a union. They were "in love" so they said "I do" but after the money got tight, and the kids got mouthy, their "I do" turned into "I won't" and "you can't make me" and that's the problem - - they thought they knew what love was.
If you don't put Jesus in the center of the union it will not be a union. If you don't put Jesus in the center of the marriage, it will not be a marriage. If you don't put Jesus in the center of the rest of your life you can all but bet you won't have much of a life to talk about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you want to point your finger back at me and say I didn't do it right when I was married -- but I got ahead of you on that one didn't I? I already admitted it. I was wrong, wrong, wrong, and then more wrong, so yeah, I left. There won't be another time for me if God doesn't do the picking.
There will never be another time that I will call myself a wife unless God decides to bring that union together (possibly with me kicking and screaming there must be another way); His will. I will do His will if that's what He asks of me. I'm not holding my breath. I'll keep my ears and eyes open for the poor soul, sure, but don't you already feel sort of sorry for the man? He's got a pretty big burden to meet if he thinks he's going to be my husband. He'll have all of the responsibility of keeping me in line; while I just have to follow him. Pretty one-sided if you ask me, but oh well, I didn't write Ephesians now, did I? Nope, but I sure know it's the guideline I'll be choosing to go by - - if there is a next time.
Photo credit: Heaven to Betsy
Word credit: Apostle Paul
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