For me, and I don't know if that means for you or not because I can't live your life; one of the hardest things to do is to do nothing at all. I am an active mover, a doer, and I make things happen. I don't stand still. I don't sit. I don't wait well either, and I really never like to admit it, but I don't ponder - - I act. God has been dealing with me in this capacity; He has been teaching me that patience is truly a virtue. I know He's right. My soul understands that He is absolutely right and that I am supposed to do exactly what He said to do -- exactly, but it is SOOOOOO hard for me to just sit and watch, wait and pray. It just seems like my time could be spent DOING something.... but I am, I am obeying. This is not easy for me.
Do you believe in God? I do. I not only believe in His existence but also in His omnipresence I know that He is in me, on me, around me, under me, above me, through me, and always watching over me because He and I both know I'm going to put my foot in it. I'm going to screw up, I'm going to fail, and without His perfected will I would be back on the ground again, face-first, and in this case, I would be both embarrassed and unable to show said face in public again. I have been given an assignment. I have been tasked. I have been told what to do and the thing is, it is the hardest most agonizing thing ever because I am to do NOTHING. I am to pray and watch. I am to pray and pray again. I am to pray and put my faith in God's plan, but I am not to do anything. This is tantamount to taking my pen away from me and expecting me to record my feelings! I can keep them, but I can't put them to ink. I can know them, but I can't share them. I can have them, but I cannot give them. When I asked God why He was doing this to me the answer was rather blunt - - it was basically "Because I said so, do as you're told." (Funny how we like to dish it out to our own kids, but when we're told to do the same thing, we squirm a little.)
What is my assignment? Well, it's rather a who. There is a man I am supposed to pray for. I am supposed to love him (and love him without question) but not DO anything about it. My mission, my assignment, is to love. I am to ask God for his wisdom, I am to ask God to protect him. I am asking God to guide him, lead him, show him, help him, but I personally am not to do anything toward assisting him as it would not be appropriate or accepted. I am simply to be there where I can't be seen, heard, known, or even thought of, and I am just to pray that God's will be done in this one man's life. WHY? Why is this the case? Why this man? Why not someone I can actually help? The answer again was fast and simple -- to prove to me that God is the one who will take care of it; both myself and this man apparently, need to know that GOD and GOD alone is the one who will straighten everything, work out every detail, and at the right time it will be revealed to this man who has been supporting him through love without question, and with prayer and supplication. It's a great plan really -- but I hate it.
For the better part of a year now, actually just over a year, I've begged God to let me stop thinking of this man. I've begged God to take away any and all feelings as they don't seem right to me even, and if they don't seem right to me, and I'm the one having them, wouldn't you think they need to be ended? God won't let it go -- I'm not supposed to act on my love, but have it. I'm not supposed to fix anything, just pray. I'm not supposed to make my heart's path known - - but to make it strong. I am simply to love him and simply to pray for him. It wouldn’t matter if the man himself told me to stop – I'd love to stop, thank you, but I was not given that option, and the man has zero authority to ask me to stop! It is what it is, I’m not going to question God after I’ve already questioned Him a 1000 times and gotten the same answer!
Someone once said "Thank the overthinker for loving you because surely they've thought of every rational reason not to." This is true. I didn't ask for this. I didn't look for it. I wasn't trying to do it - - it was commanded. Odd as that may seem, it was flat out told to me that I would in fact love and that I didn't have an option. Love doesn't fail. I am not to fail. I can't fail, and I won't. Damn.
One day God will bring it all full circle and at that moment I can say "OK see, I wrote that in my journal a year ago" or I can say "Yeah, I know, I remember when you went through that, I wrote it out in my journal and prayed about it." God will provide. He always does. I just have to do what I'm told - - and get over myself. Some people are sent to Africa to preach, some are sent to government, to the streets to bear witness; and some are told to go into their closets and pray for one single person - - until God says to stop. What do you want to bet God never asks me to stop? Love never stops. Love never ends. I was asked to love not pretend. I will do as I am told and really, it's OK; God has never failed me either. In this assignment I've already learned to be compassionate towards others with addiction, depression, and anxiety. I've also learned to lean on God and let Him know I can be leaned on as well. I've been there. I'm pretty sure someone prayed me through it -- with love.
This is where you say "Here am I, Lord" and you just do what you are commanded to do. It's so much easier when you surrender to God; His will is going to be done one way or the other. I'd rather be a part of it than fight it and find myself inside the belly of a fish or outside the promised land. Here we go...prayer time.
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