Thursday, July 19, 2007

Creepy Service Man

At this point I don't even want to say which service was being maintained because I don't want this stalker type to figure out that it was me that had to turn his butt in for being the ultimate in stereotypical strange service guys - but he was. My life is full of weird and unusual events - I'm telling you, day in and day out. My former employer (The GREAT Mr. Ed Moler) used to simply shake his head in disbelief, but these events would actually unfold a great deal of the time right in front of his face and eyes at the office where I worked. I was his paralegal. I saw a guy dive off a roof once - a really big tall roof, not a one-story. I was a witness to a shooting - no one else, just me - my hallway, no one else there but us. I was the only one available to save a cat in a tunnel between two buildings one day at lunch, but Mr. Moler saw me saving it - he knew I was telling the truth when I came back to work with my hose all torn up, my dress in shreds from scaling the walls barehanded to get the kitty...he knows, strange things and happenings just find me.

Today was no different. I was sitting at home, minding my business waiting on the service guy to show up. I had an evening appointment - it was kept. The guy shakes my hand, politely introduced himself, but I should have figured something was up by the rhythmic way he knocked on the door - over and over again until I answered it. Then he sang to me a little bit, then he came in and shook my hand before introducing himself. Oh, but it gets much stranger than that - he had a phone that buzzed and rang by itself and it wouldn't stop. He opened and closed it several times, banged it on my furniture and floor - discussed it with me in detail, but he didn't fix my technical problem. He didn't even address it. Rather than look at the problem, he sat on my couch and played with the phone. At one point he told me I didn't want to see his screen saver - it was a bunch of naked girls. Then he invited me to go ahead and look at it.

It was about this time that he noticed for the first time that I have a near life-size portrait of my dog Faith hanging on the wall. It was designed and painted by Karen Smith, a friend. He commented about THAT dog on Oprah, and how this painting sort of looked like her. I explained that it was Faith, and that she was my dog. He wanted to know why, if she was my dog, did I live in such a lowlife apartment? I stared at him. I like my place thank you. It's home.

For a while, after he openly discussed his divorce a couple years back, his kids, the man his wife was banging - his words, and the 16 year she favored over him, I finally thought it best to wait outside and let him either do his work or play with his phone. I also thought it best to e-mail my attorney, my agent, and my mother to let them all know he was in my house! I'm not kidding, I was actually e-mailing my attorney stating his name and service company number should I die! I was making out a pseudo will online! I asked my agent and my attorney to take care of my daughters and to let Reuben know where the insurance papers are - make sure I'm buried, I don't want to be cremated! This guy freaked me out. If I were to leave the house entirely he might catch on to my fear - so I stayed a little longer and made sure everyone knew who he was in case they needed to know.

I asked my agent and my mom to call me on my cell so I could pretend to have an appointment so I could safely leave my house. I could have ran for my life, but then he'd know where I lived for a later rendezvous with the death thing - didn't want that. Basically, my agent in Washington DC called me and I pretended he was at Starbucks, or he would be, in a minute or so. I explained to this guy that I had to go - asked him again if my problem would be dealt with - he explained to me that the problem was in the lines - I had insurance, it would be dealt with from the exterior of the home in a couple of days, and that I didn't need to be there. To top it off - he knew that 35 minutes before leaving my house! The minute he tested the line - within 1 minute of his entering my home. What I half way expected was for Ashton Kutcher to show up in the bushes by the pool! (Hence my smiling face, and my lack of true fear) Now that I know Ashton wasn't in Oklahoma tonight - I'm freaking out!

I did call the service company because my attorney and my agent asked me to. Mom thought it best to wait a few days since he'd probably figure it out and come after me. (She thinks like I do) But I called because he was just too quintessential - too bizarre to really be believed. He told me in passing that he suffered by Bipolar disorders. He also mentioned that he was an ex-Army soldier and was hurt in the conflict, IN THE HEAD - but didn't really do much to fix it - OH MY GOSH! Well, I'm OK. I decided to eat a 1/2 gallon of Rocky Road and guzzle a gallon of water, but I'm OK...even running around the track with Matrix a dozen times was scary - I thought he was watching me, but knew better - I just couldn't stop thinking that I could have been the next CSI case for the city morgue in the great capital of my state!

It's over. Well, I hope it is. If I don't blog again tomorrow, you've all been quite nice to have stayed with me this long. Dang, I don't want to die before I find out if Heromine bites it in the 7th book! I'm 26 hours away from that information! I can't die!