This is one of those blogs where I write it for someone very specific, but it can be read by and understood by many others. Today, a friend of mine (thank you for allowing me to share) told me that his wife basically told him he was trash. She said, when asked what day she would do over, that she would do over the day they met because he's only caused her pain and heartache. He rebutted of course, as he should, because no one marries someone and stays married for as long as they have been married, believing that the very day they met ONLY led to sorrow. No, she must have felt something at sometime. She must have meant what she thought she felt was real. There can't be an absolute about it - - she's exaggerating. Now, that being said, she may feel trapped or underwhelmed now, given that so many years have passed and she's not in the position or happy place she prefers. I get that, but to say someone is the very cause of every last bad moment of your life is just hyperbole at best, and thoughtless.
My friend is an average man. I'll say this, he's a musician, he's creative, he's even depressed at times, and yes, he gets into what he calls "misery goats" and yes, he fully expects that his wife, his helpmate, will be there for him. Perhaps she's thinking she's been there too often, maybe she's thinking she's been there too often as of lately, or that he should be able to somehow step out of his funk, and do what needs to be done in order to stop those misery goats from calling. I don't know, he and I have discussed the reasons for his depression at length. Sometimes he agrees with her and says they should divorce for her health. I think he's just being modest or kind, perhaps even selfless, wanting her to have the freedom he feels he's held her from, again, I don't know. He's not my husband, I would have an entirely different approach on the matter if he were. (...and before you think so, no, when or if they divorce, he and I will not become a couple. We are too close of friends to do that.)
I know this: I have never been so deeply depressed that I stayed in bed for days. I know there are people who do that. I have never had anxiety about the "real world" and all that's coming for me, to feel that I can't face the job, get on a bus, stand in a line, etc. I just have never had those experiences. I count myself as being blessed because I can say that, and maybe there are those of us who are this way so we can be there for others when they do experience the downfalls of mental anxiety, illness, or just a moment of fear. Why not? Why can't we be there for them when they need us? My guess, or best guess, would be that they don't ask for the help, and we're just too busy being happy that we don't see their need! I know that if I were made aware of the need for my service I would be the first to step in and ask "How can I serve you?" I don't think I would say "How can I help you?" because help and serve are really two very different things. To "help" would purport that the other person will assist in the process, and to "serve" indicates that the other person is either unable or unwilling to help.
One thing my good friend experienced this past week, (and again, he doesn't mind me telling you as long as I don't point out where he lives and how to find him online...) was that his wife stated that when they are having sex she's thinking of a particular actor. I had to admit, when I heard the name I didn't recognize it, and my friend said "Well, needless to say, he's a handsome chap, and makes a load more money than I do." I had to assume that his wife was infatuated by the actor, and that she (like so many) tends to fantasize about having sex with someone else while being there physically for another. It did make me think about the very deep seeded betrayal of those thoughts however. If you're married to someone, you've sworn to love, honor, cherish, and be faithful to them, doesn't that mean in your mind as well as your heart and body? It should. Are we all guilty? Probably. Does that make it right? No. It may make it normal, average, but never right.
People say there comes a time when it's time to walk away. I am just sure that this would not happen if we waited on God to supply our partners in the first place, as God doesn't make mistakes, but we do, don't we? We make a "load" of mistakes, and we do need to realize from time to time that it may very well be time to walk away if the other person in our marriage is causing us to feel less than what we are, less than what God knows we are, and it's time to begin the walk we know we need to have with Christ so that we can not only heal from the present agonies (Misery Goats) but also the ones of our past. It's time. Good friends will always stand with you if you are falling. Good friends will always be there for you. You don't need to find a bunch of good friends really, just one or two is all a person really needs in life. I am there. I am here.
My friend, and anyone else who is reading this, you are not a throw-away. You are not disposable. You are not the reason for someone else's mindset of what they consider to be misery or depression. They have to fight their own demons, and you may be a reminder to them of what they can't handle, but you are not the cause. You are made in the image of Almighty God. You are His, and because He is so very perfect, you are perfect in His eyes if you have accepted his Son Jesus. My friend has in fact, accepted Jesus, and so has his wife. We're all just a bit too human at times. She has the right to be happy and so does he. Perhaps their differences can remain in the past, and their tomorrows filled with mutual respect as they choose to move away from each other and into their own direction. I pray they take Christ with them.
I admitted early here, and I've said it to my friend too, I can't be his wife because he doesn't follow Christ to the extent that he needs to in order to lead me. I follow Christ now, and if I ever marry again I will follow my husband who will follow Christ. Though I will still, at that time, follow every word that Christ lays on my soul, but if I were to marry I would have a human obligation to be the person to support, love, cherish, honor, and yes, I'm old enough to say "obey" my husband. That's why I won't marry again. He would have to be SOOOOOOOO close to our Lord that I would not fear any decision or word coming from his heart or mouth. That's a tall order indeed! God, and God alone would have to be the one to drop that in my lap - - perhaps He will, and if He does there would be no question in my heart or my mind who it was that I loved any and every minute of waking and sleeping hours. I have never understood a man or a woman who could promise to love and then bite their lover so hard with damning and cruel words.
Please be kind to those who you make promises to. You don't have to stay, you can leave, but please don't be cruel in the process. There is no good in that.
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