Oh, the joy and the rapture of my imagination! If I could be anywhere at any time it would be inside my head. There, I have full autonomy. There, I am free to think, feel, do, and act as I please. Inside my beautiful brain, I have the freedoms I claim without any restrictions; full and complete abandonment. The problem(s) only begin to appear when I am either forced to return to reality or when I realize that I am most likely not going to be able to remain in my playground infinitely. Sadly, this is true, and I must either abruptly leave or say my adu to the one man who has kept me sane for more than 30 years; Naked Bearded Man.
Naked Bearded Man has never really been given a name. He's mine, and I'm his, we really don't use first names when we're together, he's just him and I'm just me. I don't know the exact moment he first showed up, but I can tell you this, I was a married woman. Oh, the shame in that statement! To admit openly and publicly, and of course, before God, that I would have rather be making love to fantasy than to be with the man I agreed to marry - - and yet, that is exactly when my mind took over and to be honest if it wasn't for Naked Bearded Man, I would have been married quite a bit less time than I was, and I was actually only betrothed for what, 9 years? I forget the math. We were married in July of 1988 and divorced the first time (yes, I was that stupid) in 1995. I think Naked Bearded Man showed up around 1989 - - so technically I guess my daughter Caity is his daughter when you think about it. LOL
You can say what you want to say, you can point your fingers and blame me all you wish. You will never be able to condemn me further or more than I have condemned me. I was the worse wife ever, in that I did not love my husband. I don't even for the life of me realize why I agreed to marry him. I think I was depressed, still in love with Reuben's father, and just wanted to be held. That makes more sense than to ever say or think that I could have had feelings for the man. He wasn't rich, he wasn't even working. He wasn't old enough to be a husband and that again is MY FAULT, I don't blame another soul. I take and accept full responsibility for all of it. The 2nd time I married him was just purely emotional. I had been a survivor of the Oklahoma City Bombing which happened literally 6 days after our divorce; I was in a bad place. My ex was a rescuer of sorts, he was there at the courthouse and was helping pull people to safety, he thought he saw someone who may have been me. We were both in a bad place -- we remarried. Dumbest thing ever. Nothing changed.
If it wasn't for my imagination and my mystery fantasy man who I have always dubbed "Naked Bearded Man" as more of a description rather than a name, I would have been lost in a world of loss. I would have been tossed emotionally and unstable from the events that took place, from the way my life was going, and from the evil that was lurking around every corner because my husband was not a Christian man. He has since become a Christian, more power to him, good on him, all of that, but the years we were together were nothing short of disastrous. I needed and therefore I conjured my good and faithful mate, NBM. I have never kept him a secret. I have never denied his existence. If anyone, and I do mean anyone had asked me who I was deeply in love with, who my body was surrendered to, who I would go to the edge of the universe for it would be Naked Bearded Man, or in other words, myself.
Recently, and by recently I mean this week, a woman in Scotland has decided to lie and tell false stories about my character because for whatever reason SHE feels that I am in love with her husband. I laugh of course. I don't know him. I laugh of course, because there's just simply no way he or any other man for that matter, could ever be as genuinely unique, caring, giving, sharing, intimately romantic, enthusiastic, or as attentive as NBM. Your husband dear is your husband. DEAL WITH HIM. I am allowed to look, I am allowed to talk. I am allowed to befriend anyone and everyone I choose, and here's a thought sweetheart, if your husband decides to communicate with me, and tell you that he's communicating with me, that's on you for not being the wife you may need to be. I am not following him. (well, wait, I do follow his social media, but I am not following him as he is not mine) I am not submitting to him. I am not saying anything inappropriate to him because I don't do that. I have the deepest sympathy for him, not you. He needs a better wife, and although it probably won't be me, it really shouldn't be you if you can't follow him the way GOD intends for a woman to follow her husband. (Remember, I already told you I was the worst wife ever...this is how I know things).
Naked Bearded Man is my man dear woman. He has for the past three decades shown me the love and care that I expect and he does so EVERY DAMN DAY with a smile and a wee showing of his teeth. He is Scottish, I'll give you that, and he is about six feet tall, he has a belly on him, and he does play guitar, so yeah, there may be some similarities, but NBM is NAKED. Look at your man sweety, is he NAKED? If he's naked and he's with me, then yeah, you may have something to think about, but he's not. I assume when he's naked he's with you. I assume when he's naked he's smiling. I know my guy is. I can't stop looking at him. He thrills me to the core. When was the last time (most women) you could say that about your sweety? Remember the words "Cherish" and "Obey" or did you have those words removed from the vows all those years ago? Maybe you thought those words had a shelf life. I denny ken! But, I do cherish NBM, and let me tell you, obeying him is not a problem. Ever.
You know people, the best thing about being married or otherwise connected and attached to a fantasy is that he is always with me. I don't remember a single day that he has taken off and gone on a separate vacation alone or with friends. If he ever does leave he should take his kilt. He has a kilt. He's often seen folding it, hanging it up, pushing it to the side, taking it off, or just holding it in his hand and twirling it around rather playfully - - he can be a tease. The best thing about being with him is that NO ONE ELSE can say he's with them. He's mine, and that's all there is to it. I wish I could find a really good likeness of him online so I could post it, but he is just too unique. He's average really, not that handsome. He's not some romantic novel beasty whose chest is riveted, nor his abs standing out like puffed hard pillows. He's an average guy - - at this point he could be considered a bit overweight. I think he and I need to get out more often, but then again he'd have to get dressed wouldn't he? I can do that. I can ask him to put his clothes on, which may introduce an entirely different dynamic to our relationship! LOL...you can't see me falling off my chair right now, in fact, it's rather difficult to type from where I'm sitting on the floor.
I guess I'll close by saying that I'm just too into myself to worry if someone is thinking I'm thinking or saying something I would never think or say. I don't have time, nor will I take the time, to defend myself when someone who is less confident about herself and her personal relationship with her husband that she has to lure him into thinking I said or did something I wouldn't -- keep him, he's yours, you're the one who agreed to love and support -- I'm good. I will however, as he desires, continue to be his friend and confidant. At least I'm not posting what he's told me about you. Oops...I almost went there. I think I need to turn off the lights and meditate for a minute. I think I hear someone whistling for me. Oh, yeah, by the way, another really cool thing about Naked Bearded Man, and it's always been this way, because he's a Highlander, he speaks Scots Gaelic. I am actually learning the language solely to be able to understand our pillow talk. Some things just sound better in a Scottish accent, don't you think so?
Good night. Sweet dreams.
No comments:
Post a Comment