Friday, May 23, 2008

I Can't Possibly Own Five Toothbrushes

(not my photo)

I live alone. I say "alone". I live with two dogs and occasionally a couple of more dogs when I'm babysitting, and now I have to add two kittens since Caity talked me into that yesterday - but NOT one of these animals uses a toothbrush. Why do I have five toothbrushes in my bathroom?

I could, if I had to, pay thousands of dollars to a science lab to run extensive DNA testing on the bristles. I could mix pencil led and baking powder to make a fine print powder - ruin one of my own blush brushes for the cause and use peel-off tape to capture finger prints, but wouldn't you know it - my computer doesn't have the software necessary to find a match to anything I find. Chances of anyone in my house being in CODAS is good enough; (coughs the word "Caity") but nevertheless the mess wouldn't justify the end result. I KNOW who did this, but I can't for the life of me figure out why. She has her own bathroom, she has her own apartment/condo - why am I housing four extra toothbrushes for people I may or may not have given birth to, and why would anyone need that many in the first place. (Do I really want to ask? I may not like what I find out. Maybe a local or out of state band dropped by recently.)

Can germs jump from one lonely pink bristled brush to an innocent looking white handled model with green gel backing and a slightly raised brushing surface? I mean if they wanted to exchange spit could that be happening in the dark of the night in my own bathroom when I'm sleeping just around the corner in the other room? Could I then be given TRANSFER from one brush to my mouth if I use my own brush that happened to swivel itself around to perhaps be friendly and speak to the other brushes? What am I asking from this utensil? Its not like it won't communicate with the others who are propped up right next to it, sharing little holes in the holder! Wait, someone stole my Extreme Clean Aquafresh! I love that cap! Best cap in my opinion and now I'm what...stuck with an unknown's Colgate mint...boring.

This being Memorial Day weekend I'll going to do something memorable. I'm throwing them all out - yes, even my own guy - and I'm starting over. Completely over, just purchasing ONE, can you count that high kids, ONE toothbrush, and ONE tube of Extreme Clean Aquafresh. Do NOT let me catch you bringing in your contraband brushes or taking my tubular magic paste. Go away! I kicked you out! Go away! OK...I can't take it anymore. I have 3 children, one of which hasn't been in my house since November. Did he leave a toothbrush behind and I just haven't noticed it? I'll allow that one - it may be the blue clear model, but who owns the other 3? I hope I'm not kidnapping someones best friend and now considering tossing it out with trash.

Get over it Jude. I must reclaim my station. I must redeem my space and be the Queen of my own domicile...all will be thrown out. (After I call Reuben and verify if his DNA rests on the blue brush. I can't throw that out easily.) I can live with two brushes in the house and I can even use it to my advantage when the bad-guy comes into my house and sees that I have 2 brushes. I often put a pair of Reuben's size 13 shoes out on the porch with a little mud on them to make the bad-guy think he'll at least have to face someone big enough to fill those boats. I move them around, bring them in, exchange them for boots in the winter. You know - I've covered it all. Why not keep the interior safe with the man's toothbrush. It always works. Actually, if you want the truth: the best way to keep all bad-guys out of the house is to take pictures of your snakes crawling on the floor, and put the pictures on the door with a warning sign "Loose Snakes - Enter Carefully" Works wonders.

Back to the brushes...oh let's not, it was a boring topic anyway!

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