You might be old if you're over there thinking that the things kids say make less sense to you than using a football bat as a floating device. I was caught off guard yesterday while watching an episode of Greg Gutfeld, when Kat Timpf said, "She thought she ate with that", which I had to say was not only strange to hear, but difficult to understand. Keep in mind, Timpf isn't all that young anymore. She added the statement, "as the kids would say", and it made a bit more sense. She does have a sharp mind and quick wit about her, but even she draws the line at sounding like an idiot -- I knew those weren't her words.
So there I was, staring at the monitor, and I started laughing. First of all, it's 2026, and I don't watch television. I don't even turn it on. I have one, but I don't use it unless the weather gets hinky. That's the only time the thing is used, so yeah, I still have a relatively small (55") flat screen in my living room. You might be old if you have only one flat-screen television and never turn it on. I watch all my news and/or shows on YouTube or another online platform, mostly YouTube. I don't watch mainstream anything - just the podcasters and content providers with the same mindset I have - again, you might be old if you're choosing not to listen to the rattling baffoon talk coming out of the mouths of those who are so far from the way you think, that you can't stomach even listening. I can't.
Today, I decided to update my LinkedIn photo because someone flirted with me. Don't do that. Whatever you do, do not flirt with me. It is the fastest way to get blocked! I have zero intent or interest in that sort of crap. I'm just too old, too stubborn, too independent, and too out of touch to be all that interesting; believe me. You'd run for the hills (another older statement) if you knew the truth. I should put all that in my bio -- "Trump-loving, right-leaning, conservative who not only believes in God, but accepted His Son's salvation, and will not let you detour me from the mission He has given me." Yes, that would work. Hey, I'm honest, and I love you anyway!
I went into the bathroom to look at my face in the mirror, which is not something I do every day, or even every week. I just don't need to see myself. I wash my face in the shower, and I don't have mirrors there. I noticed I have a few age spots and laughed. I mean, I'm 64, I should have a few of them, right? I don't wear makeup, and I haven't worn it in a good while. I think the last job I had where I wore makeup was in 2022. So, yeah, it's been a minute. When Laura and I moved, I threw out any (and all) makeup except lipstick and some powdered eyeshadow. Laura kept hers, so I borrowed it.
You never realize just how much darker you may be than your own flesh and blood until you apply their foundation to your face. She handed me a darker contour stick, and I had to gently apply it just to eliminate the ghostliness I saw in the mirror. I had to laugh. I was staring at some sort of Halloween costume at that point. Next, I applied the eyeshadow, brow darkener, and lipstick, but since I can't see without my glasses, I put on the eyeshadow first before I could do the rest—another sign that you might be old.
Ta-da! All done. I felt like a prostitute with all the colorful contrasts I could see on my face. I don't usually darken my lighter brows, and I certainly never apply color to my lips. I have Chapstick. My hair, when I was younger, was much lighter, but now it's almost dark, and I have my very own silver streak in the front! To be honest, I don't like looking the way I do in my profile photos, but no one else in the world would want to see me without makeup — Laura, bless her heart, doesn't have a choice. It is what it is. I am not a girly-girl. I have never been a girly-girl, but think of all the money I've saved by being me! I bought the cheapest makeup you can imagine, and took it off as soon as I got home. I never wore it in high school, so when I did once and got attention from the same guys I'd been eating with for years, it sort of pissed me off.
You might be old if you can remember who you sat with at lunch in middle school and high school. The good news is, most of them are either bald, wrinkled, and fat like me, or they have gone to see Jesus -- lucky bastards! I can't leave the earth yet; Laura isn't ready for that. I have to stick around to make her happy. If that's the case, she can look at my ugly mug the way God made it -- plain and simple, but apparently at least three shades darker than hers. I told her this is what she has to look forward to in 30 years.
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