The Things We Do for Fat Part Two

Hey, looky there - - it only took 14 hours for my belly to decide to cooperate and do what everyone's belly does in 1. YEA me.

I finally went to the bathroom and was able to "eliminate", I love that word. I was surprised that I didn't have an upset tummy or any wild gurgling notices beforehand. Just an urge to go and I answered the call. Not that I was able to withstand the urge because I wasn't. Had I been in a public place I would have been at the mercy of anyone who may have been in the stall beforehand. It was a good thing that I was home, and give me reason to encourage anyone doing the Salt Water Flush (SWF) to stay home until you have had at least one good movement - - they say it will continue and you will "eliminate" several times in a few hours. We'll see.

Wouldn't it be great if we could wake up, go to the toilet, alleviate all of our fat and unwanted food substances naturally? We could have a nice little party every day with the scale. We could feel healthy and happy without wondering if we're going to add an oz or two today. I always say to myself that I won't worry about it; but I do. My friend the great web designer up in NJ (Randall Goya) added a comment to my last blog about dieting claiming that his doctor told him to eat less but more times a day. I've done that, I do that. I'm one of those that don't eat processed foods very often at all. I eat next to no dairy products, I eat next to no meat products, maybe a little chicken. It's just that MY body refuses to cooperate with MY ideas that I have for it. I even show my body pictures of what it would look like if it would cooperate, but it won't listen. (and yes, I even tried holding the pictures closer to my ears so it would)

I'm not going to accept Randall's obviously correct statement that some of us were born to be rounder or more substantially built. To heck with that notion! LOL I say a person should be able to communicate with ones own body and come to an agreement....that's just my mind's opinion, but my heart agrees. I think it does, I like to pretend it does anyway.

Good luck with your SWF if you decide to do it. I'm told (by reading) that you can do it as often as you like, but to be aware as usual that any change to your routine could cause problems and you should consult a doctor first - - it's just smart to do that.

The Things We Do For Fat

This is a good one. I still have a fatter belly than I want; for some reason, even though I diet correctly, exercise and do all the things I'm suppose to do I have this big fat round gut sticking out in front of my would-be-otherwise-toned body. So, I've declared war (again) on it and this time I'm bringing in the heavy hitters - - salt and water.

I read about the salt water flush over a year ago and never really understood what it could do for me because I couldn't get past the fact that people would put a tablespoon of sea salt (NOT iodized table salt) into a quart of water and drink it. Are you kidding me? No one would do that - - unless they do it the way I do it. It just makes more sense. I just put a tablespoon of sea salt into a glass of 3 oz of water, not a quart, and let it dissolve, THEN I drank that down, more like a shot. After I did that I was more than happy to follow it with a quart of fresh filtered water as a chaser! I couldn't get a quart of salty water down but I can shoot a tablespoon of it fast enough. It took 2 shots, but I got it.

So, now I'm sitting here waiting on the "results", which I'm told are nasty and I don't want to be in public when they do come. I'm told I'll be in the bathroom all evening, and that's OK - - I've got the shower prepared JUST in case things get really messy. Oh, you didn't want to hear that did you; my bad. I'm also timing it to see what sort of effects MY body has as opposed to the people on line. I'm feeling a bit full but not disgusting yet. I'm also wondering if the slight headache that is approaching has something to do with it, or if the stress of the day itself could be bringing it on. We'll have to test the theory again at a later date.

I don't know how often you're suppose to do the salt water flush (SWF) so I'll start with today and see what happens. If it's a daily thing - - I'm pretty sure I could do it, but I'd need to see dramatic results before I agreed to do it. I also need to remind you that I am NOT suggesting that you follow in my footsteps, and before you do anything like this or any other regimen please consult a doctor. You just never know.

The website I went to is: http://www.colonzone.org/salt-water-flush.php just in case you want to do this - - after you consult your doctor. It says the sea salt is NOT absorbed into your digestive system, as the weight of the salt pushes it through to the intestines and then it goes on to report that you'll release it through your anus, now there's a bit of news that no one expected...LOL of course it is, it's a flush! OK, it's been 15 minutes and the only change is my head still feels a bit light. So I'll hang on for a few more minutes before retreating to the bathroom just to wait. I'll let you know what happens. If I need to I'll put up a warning sign.

OK - - it's been one full hour and NOTHING. Not a belly rumble or anything. I'll come back tomorrow and update you on everything - - Part Two...on Number 2. Had to go there.

Cayenne!! That's Hot!

OK, you know me, I hear something can help me lose weight and I jump on it if it's natural and doesn't cost much. Well, enter Cayenne Pepper Oil. I've known for years that Cayenne can help your metabolism, it increases blood flow, works wonders on your circulation and does fantastic things for ones prostate. Since I don't actually have a prostate I imagine that the other benefits will be good enough - - and when you compare it to many other health food supplements cayenne beats the pants off them price wise. It's REALLY cheap, I think my 1 oz dropper bottle was $7.95 - - which makes it very popular with me; right up there with wild cherry juice!

Some of the natural benefits of cayenne pepper oil are outstanding, but believe me the bottle needs to come with its own warning pamphlet. When you think of cayenne sauce or Louisiana hot sauce, you think of the natural hot spicy taste associated with it. We put it in our stews, on our cornbread -- it's good right? Well, when you take cayenne straight from the bottle you need to be standing really close to a 44 oz cup of ice and if that's not enough, if your tongue and cheeks melt through that too quickly, you'll want to be close to a spray nozzle at the sink! OMG - - Paris Hilton would say it, you would say, I said it, THAT'S HOT! OMG THAT'S HOT. Hot enough to make you NEVER want to do it again, but you know you have to...if you want the millions of benefits it brings your body...and I do.

I've been reading up on it; Niki Bauer would be really proud of me. She's my English teacher friend that loves to try new foods that her husband Eric whips up Speaking of Big Eric (We call him that to differentiate between himself and his taller than he is son Little Eric), speaking of Big Eric, I'm having dinner with him tonight and I'll take my cayenne to the restaurant with me and tell him how stupid I was to take 30 drops of the magic liquid lava earlier today -- at least I took it with a good suspension liquid in 100% blue agave! I didn't just drop it in my mouth, but something tells me I wasn't too far off from just dropping it, damn, I think my lips look like they've been given a collagen treatment...puffy and tender to touch...seriously, it's DAMN HOT. Let me say it just one more time - HOT.

Now I'm reading that I can put it in tea. I knew I could put it in stew, so why not tea. Tea is hot, you drink it, it works wonders and maybe it will diffuse the scorching searing feeling I had in my mouth from the last time. I was funny though, I made Reuben try it first to see how he would do -- that's why I used the blue agave....poor kid. He's a great guinea pig. I did the same thing to him with oil of oregano; that's another herb (oil) you don't want to abuse. I had to blog about that too. His sinuses were cleared up immediately and stayed that way for days!

So, I have to run, but I wanted to post another blog first. May as well be this one, you may be thinking "what can I do to speed up my metabolism and make myself unbearably uncomfortable for 30 minutes?" Hey, I know the answer, take 30 drops of cayenne oil with a little honey or agave - - you'll feel pain in NO TIME!! Oh, but according to all the experts, your circulation, digestion, and if you're a man your prostate, will all thank you! Your tongue, your cheeks, your head - - no so much! LOL

I Kill People All The Time - In My Mind.

As a writer, I'm constantly thinking. I play games with myself -- putting my mind and sometimes my body into a film, a book, a thought, a story. I'm pretending nearly every minute of my life when I'm not actively engaged in reality. I prefer pretending, it's prettier, bigger, better, I have more money - - I have absolutely NO fat whatsoever in my dreams and I kill people - LEGALLY. 

 Writing is just that - - writing. It's a process of putting what you think onto paper, into a database, you put it somewhere so you can say you did it, it was your idea, and no one else can muscle in on it and call it theirs. Of course, muscling into someone elses haven and stealing their hard-thought out ideas is part of the writers fantasy, but we don't do it. Good writers don't do it, we respect the others and we kick ourselves for not thinking of it first....or at least not registering it first. 

 I was riding home from a botched arrangement the other day; a day I was suppose to drive my own car home but ended up in the jump seat of a stranger's van and believe me that gave me ample time to plan a murder...even my own. Imagine this: You're in a van, a stranger's van, a van of a man you've never met and wouldn't have met if you hadn't met him. He was just there when HE needed to be. He's the murderer -- he has to be, it was meant to be. SO, is he going to kill me, is he going to kill Laura (she was with us) or are we going to stop off somewhere between here and there and kill someone completely ignorant of our plan? PERFECT - - we kill someone together, I never see Mr. Van again, he doesn't know who I am, and the only connection we have at all is the repair shop where we met -- may I add, a repair shop that could be where he hides HIS bodies. I hide mine in the woods - - different woods. I tend to bring them to a hidden place, chop them up with wood choppers, put them on ice, mail the pieces to myself at different post office locations and then feed them to pigs all around the county. ARE YOU STILL READING THIS? LOL - - my bad.

 The drive home - some 38 miles - was epic for the mind. Laura helped; she was in the back of the van. Pitch black, thumping around with electrical cords, a boom box, a tool box or two, loose tools and this van guy's bloody work clothes - - I mean, greasy work clothes. I just said bloody because I slipped right back into the plot. I burn my clothes, I walk out of the woods naked, completely naked - - so you can see where being wonderfully built physically without additional body fat makes me the ideal killer. Besides, I'm a former English teacher; unless the victim is a student or an administrator no one suspects me. No one. 

 Laura and I got home and she opened the back door of the van -- because she could. In my mind she was trapped, her hands were taped together, and she was trying to get out of the situation - - She looked me squarely in the eyes and said "Oh my GOSH mom, I totally killed three people! I was awesome. I was the lost little school girl right, well, they didn't know it, but I only look 12, I'm 21, I lured them into the van, I strangled them with the cord in the dark and then pushed them out on the side of the road when he slowed down!" I was laughing - - I told her I know. I know because I was behind her in another van, I stopped, picked the bodies up, threw them in the back of my van and we had to dispose of the bodies now....we laughed. We went to Starbucks and decided to leave the bodies, the van, the man, everyone back in the world of imagination. For now.

Tow - - Two For One. Not Really.

They charged us for two tows, but that's OK. We have AAA Road Assistance. (Thank you Reuben) and for the record, the Broadway Towing Company of Ardmore did a really good job towing our two vehicles today to our favorite mechanic in Texas, Russell over at Rapid Repair of Gainesville, TX. RUSSELL is probably sorry he ever said yes to helping us about a year ago, but he agreed!! He's been our constant friend.

Getting to Gainesville wasn't the problem, and to be honest, there wasn't really a problem - - except Russell couldn't get to either of my cars today and I was stranded in Gainesville, about 38 miles away from home. Once the towing service truck pulled away and Russell informed me that he couldn't get to my car today I immediately called the trucker back - - to no avail. You never get HIM, nice as he was, you get his parents, who own the company. First his mom was befuddled by what I was asking - - simple enough; I wanted her son to turn around and come back to pick us up. He was going back anyway - - shouldn't be hard to get him to take us back. Well, that's what you would think. EXCEPT..it must have been a newly thought out concept too much for her brain, as she stumbled around the issue for a few minutes with me on the phone, all the while her son (and my potential ride) drove further and further from me. HELLO LADY -- call your son! Ask him to come back! How hard is that? Apparently so hard she had to put her husband on the line - - the owner of the tow service.

When I asked him to call his son back and tell him we needed to go back to town - - his answer was, and no, I can't make this up: "We don't do that." WHAT? WE DON'T DO THAT? We don't do what, turn around, help out folks, what part of it don't they do? He explained to me that his son was already on his way back - - I knew this, but he wasn't far and I offered to pay for the gas for returning. "No, we don't do that, we don't take folks back. We drop them off is all." Not lying, that's what he said - - do you think that's going on my report to AAA and to the newspapers in the area; because it is. The pen, and in this case, the keyboard, can be a very convincing tool for those of us who like to call ourselves CONSUMERS!

There I was -- stranded in Gainesville...it could be worse.

Russell is an adorable man, all gruffy and grumpy acting, but that's just an act. He quickly came up with a solution. After I called a few good friends and got no where - - he suggested that a local handyman "John" take us back. Of course I offered to pay for gas, and I did, but here's the fun part: John, of www.handyman-john.com drove a big white cargo van JUST like you'd think he would. Laura had to ride in the back with the boombox, the tool boxes, the electrical cords, and standing loose tools. I gave her the option of sitting on my lap up front with the big American flag stretched across the backdrop cage that separates the driver/passenger from all the dangerous flying metal should there be a sudden stop. She declined. She ..Laura became the flying not-so-metal that hit the backdrop cage when John had to come to a forceful stop...twice. OUCH.

All the way home John and I talked about his two daughters and their adventures. He's a young young man, but has a 12 and 11 year old daughters who are into everything. Now living near Chicago he rarely sees them, but never a more proud father could there be. It was indeed an adventure coming home in the pouring rain, in a van speeding down the highway at 80 mph apt to make sudden stops - - my heart and my prayers stayed in the back with Laura Cakes. Her occasional thuds quickened my heart constantly. When we approached our fair city I was brazen and bold enough to assume correctly, that our host wouldn't mind stopping first at Starbucks before taking me all the way home - - HEY, I paid him!! LOL

Thanks John -- told you I would blog. I hope the world calls you up and puts you to work now. Just incase you need a great handyman in the Southern part of Oklahoma and/or the Northern part of Texas, call John at 940-632-7489 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 940-632-7489 end_of_the_skype_highlighting (Yes, I got his permission to add his cell) Fun times for all - - except Laura.

OH -- and the minute, I mean the minute I got home Russell called to say the car didn't take as long as he first thought. It's ready now. OF COURSE it is. Hahahaha...I'll pick it up Saturday when I have a ride. No sense hiring John again, but you never know, he was fun and full of talk-talk. Get this: his daughter has a singing contract at age 11. You just can't hope for more. Thanks John, thanks Russell - - thanks GOD - - we learned alot on this two-for-one towing day. I'm happy, the sun is taking a nap and letting the skies weep for a minute. It's a great day to be alive and know that the sound of your kid hitting the backdrop cage can actually mean that she's happy to be alive too. (Sorry Laura, I did offer you to sit in my lap!) LOL