It's not like fighting authority, with the washing machine you have a chance. There I was minding my own business because that is what I do, when I heard a noise coming from the laundry room in my little house. Currently I "stay" as my friend says, in Ardmore, Oklahoma, a town of about 30,000 people, so it's not a dot on the map, but it more like a smudge. I was listening to the crazy noise this way before dawn moment of the morning, trying to determine if it was animal, plant, mineral or some kid that had snuck in the side door unannounced. I thought long and hard about it because it was dark outside; it was just before sunrise, so what, maybe 6:30 a.m, and I wasn't quite sure where I had put my Kabar. For those of you who don't know, a Kabar is a long sharp military blade. My son gave it to me for protection as he knows I don't do well with hand guns.
The noise was thrashing, it was thumping, it was terrifying, but the most I could do at that point was to conjure up something wild in my mind. Because I wasn’t really awake yet, and because I’m a writer, I imagine things that aren’t even there. Suddenly in my head there were now images of some sort of killer stalker guy who had managed to get into the side door but didn't know where the light switch was on the wall, and he must be falling over the Bissell steam cleaner trying to find the interior door. Oh, that's right, the interior door, I have one...was it locked? I couldn't remember? I was just in there too! I was trying to get the stink out of a comforter so I threw it in the washer with an extra bit of Oxy to do the job right. Did I forget to lock the door? Did I even need to lock it?
Shoot, if it was open the guy could eventually find it and open it. He'd make his way through Reuben's nasty bathroom and then find me on the other side staring at him with a potted orchid in my hands. (Raised over my head of course, for better leverage in times like these) Where the hell did I put my stinking knife? The noise stopped. I rushed the interior door before the bad guy could find it and I locked it. I locked the damn door! Then, because I'm that way, I went outside in the dark through the back door, pushed open the gate, went around to the side door and pushed the heavy deck table in front of it! Ha! I trapped the bay guy now! There! Now the guy was trapped in my laundry room and I could wake Reuben up to deal with him. Then the thought occurred to me, that if he were really small enough, he could crawl through the dryer's vent, and maybe escape, but I doubted it.
Me and my overworked imagination had tricked this S.O.B. so now there was only one thing left to do, and that was to taunt the guy. I called out to him, but you know they never answer. Laura was asleep of course, she slept through last week's tornadoes too - - it's like her to be unavailable in these stressful situations, but at least at this point, standing on the side of the house in my night shorts and tank top, I had a clear mind as to of where I had put the damn knife. It was under the bed between the nightstand and the bed frame. I remember now! The orchid wasn’t going to do me much good at this point, so I did put it down knowing I could wake Reuben up and he’d be all over the guy with his bare fists if he had to.
Back to the bad guy - - he still wasn’t answering me, he didn’t say anything and I wondered if I should call the police at this point or let my kids loose. What would they ask me, what would they think about me pushing the table into the door rather than leaving the house with my cell so I could call them? I hadn’t alerted my kids yet, and you know what, the dogs weren’t even barking. That’s really weird I thought. The dogs are not barking at this intruder! My dogs don’t pass up an opportunity to shriek at a random squirrel crossing my back yard, what’s up with them not bellowing like crazy right now? They were in bed with Laura sleeping! They were still sleeping! They didn't even get up when I went outside. I think Matrix followed me out of loyalty, but he wasn't really thrilled that he had to. He waddled back to bed!
After a few clear minutes of going over it in my mind and conversing with my Guardian Angel Sam who never ever leaves me, I went back inside the house and opened (cautiously) the interior door leading from Reuben's bathroom to the laundry room only to find that there was no bad guy - - unless he really was that small and had crawled through the dryer's vent. The washer however, had managed to find its way closer to the middle of the room and I think I heard it bitch about something being inside of it that wasn't fitting correctly...oh yeah, the comforter. I thought it needed to be cleaned after Reuben used it when he went camping last weekend and I could smell pizza, beer, and the distinct odor of my gloriously wonderfully masculine son who could stink up a room just by walking into it.
Yeah, well, OK, no bad guy - - just an overloaded washing machine that didn’t agree with my load choices. Nothing to see here folks, nope, just ah....yeah, you know, go back to bed and tell the dog good night, again. I know I could hear Sam laughing at me, he does that from time to time, but hey, I’m deadly with an orchid; at least I have that. Next time I’ll wait for the dogs to sound off before I potentially moon the neighbors or strain a muscle pushing the damn table up against the side of the house. Yeah, that.
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