At this point I don't even want to say which service was being maintained because I don't want this stalker type to figure out that it was me that had to turn his butt in for being the ultimate in stereotypical strange service guys - but he was. My life is full of weird and unusual events - I'm telling you, day in and day out. My former employer (The GREAT Mr. Ed Moler) used to simply shake his head in disbelief, but these events would actually unfold a great deal of the time right in front of his face and eyes at the office where I worked. I was his paralegal. I saw a guy dive off a roof once - a really big tall roof, not a one-story. I was a witness to a shooting - no one else, just me - my hallway, no one else there but us. I was the only one available to save a cat in a tunnel between two buildings one day at lunch, but Mr. Moler saw me saving it - he knew I was telling the truth when I came back to work with my hose all torn up, my dress in shreds from scaling the walls barehanded to get the kitty...he knows, strange things and happenings just find me.
Today was no different. I was sitting at home, minding my business waiting on the service guy to show up. I had an evening appointment - it was kept. The guy shakes my hand, politely introduced himself, but I should have figured something was up by the rhythmic way he knocked on the door - over and over again until I answered it. Then he sang to me a little bit, then he came in and shook my hand before introducing himself. Oh, but it gets much stranger than that - he had a phone that buzzed and rang by itself and it wouldn't stop. He opened and closed it several times, banged it on my furniture and floor - discussed it with me in detail, but he didn't fix my technical problem. He didn't even address it. Rather than look at the problem, he sat on my couch and played with the phone. At one point he told me I didn't want to see his screen saver - it was a bunch of naked girls. Then he invited me to go ahead and look at it.
It was about this time that he noticed for the first time that I have a near life-size portrait of my dog Faith hanging on the wall. It was designed and painted by Karen Smith, a friend. He commented about THAT dog on Oprah, and how this painting sort of looked like her. I explained that it was Faith, and that she was my dog. He wanted to know why, if she was my dog, did I live in such a lowlife apartment? I stared at him. I like my place thank you. It's home.
For a while, after he openly discussed his divorce a couple years back, his kids, the man his wife was banging - his words, and the 16 year she favored over him, I finally thought it best to wait outside and let him either do his work or play with his phone. I also thought it best to e-mail my attorney, my agent, and my mother to let them all know he was in my house! I'm not kidding, I was actually e-mailing my attorney stating his name and service company number should I die! I was making out a pseudo will online! I asked my agent and my attorney to take care of my daughters and to let Reuben know where the insurance papers are - make sure I'm buried, I don't want to be cremated! This guy freaked me out. If I were to leave the house entirely he might catch on to my fear - so I stayed a little longer and made sure everyone knew who he was in case they needed to know.
I asked my agent and my mom to call me on my cell so I could pretend to have an appointment so I could safely leave my house. I could have ran for my life, but then he'd know where I lived for a later rendezvous with the death thing - didn't want that. Basically, my agent in Washington DC called me and I pretended he was at Starbucks, or he would be, in a minute or so. I explained to this guy that I had to go - asked him again if my problem would be dealt with - he explained to me that the problem was in the lines - I had insurance, it would be dealt with from the exterior of the home in a couple of days, and that I didn't need to be there. To top it off - he knew that 35 minutes before leaving my house! The minute he tested the line - within 1 minute of his entering my home. What I half way expected was for Ashton Kutcher to show up in the bushes by the pool! (Hence my smiling face, and my lack of true fear) Now that I know Ashton wasn't in Oklahoma tonight - I'm freaking out!
I did call the service company because my attorney and my agent asked me to. Mom thought it best to wait a few days since he'd probably figure it out and come after me. (She thinks like I do) But I called because he was just too quintessential - too bizarre to really be believed. He told me in passing that he suffered by Bipolar disorders. He also mentioned that he was an ex-Army soldier and was hurt in the conflict, IN THE HEAD - but didn't really do much to fix it - OH MY GOSH! Well, I'm OK. I decided to eat a 1/2 gallon of Rocky Road and guzzle a gallon of water, but I'm OK...even running around the track with Matrix a dozen times was scary - I thought he was watching me, but knew better - I just couldn't stop thinking that I could have been the next CSI case for the city morgue in the great capital of my state!
It's over. Well, I hope it is. If I don't blog again tomorrow, you've all been quite nice to have stayed with me this long. Dang, I don't want to die before I find out if Heromine bites it in the 7th book! I'm 26 hours away from that information! I can't die!
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
PreMeds and Insurance Policies
So, if the insurance sales agent tells me, the other insurance sales agent, that I have to have a premed exam before I can sell myself insurance, does that mean that I have the option of not having the premed and just buying the dollar amount that will get me out of having to pee in a cup and having my arm jabbed? I'm the agent! I should have a say in this. Then again, I'm the insured too - and I have NO say whatsoever. I'm taking the risk, I'm binding the risk - bring on the needle.
The woman who came to my office today to do the exam didn't have to wonder for very long who it was that was having the premed done - I had the sleeve rolled up on my shirt and that smirky little "don't-hurt-me" look on my face - God, I hate needles. Is it really worth a poke in the arm to insure that my kids actually go to college should I die? I probably won't die! I'll probably have to pay for their tuition through my nose rather than my death benefit - odds are, mortality tables are, everything is against me dying at my age being in the shape that I'm in. However, this morning ON MY WAY TO THE OFFICE, I was nearly ran over by a WERNER truck that decided to exit to the right rather than use the rest of the highway he was on - just about took me out before the policy was even written and paid for! So, I guess barring bad health, cancer, disease and/or war - I could be squashed in my car like anyone else in this guy's way. (I got his number, I've already filed an online complaint - I roll that way!)
So, there is good news - I have great veins. Yes...I've been flattered before by doctors, nurses, vampires - you name it, anyone wanting my red stuff has NO problem finding it. Must be living right or something. "Hey, look, that's a fat one!" Well, at least she was only talking about my vein. I would have had to deck her in the mouth if she was talking about my butt or something. I have taken painstaking months on end to get rid of my end! Oh, and that was one of the things I had to answer for on the exam too. "Have you lost more than 15 pounds over the last 12 months?" I guess they want to be sure you're not infested with a virus - I had to answer in the affirmative and then give a detailed essay type statement concerning my weight loss program, the results, and what prompted my decision - was it for health or vanity? Both! Who loses weight just because they're suppose to? Please.
Once the blood was drawn, and drawn, and drawn some more - I asked her if I would be receiving any of the results from the tests. My answer was no. I asked her if my agent would be able to review my results. The answer was yes. Ha! Got her on that one! I'll have to wait on the test results, but she was able to dip a little pH stick or something into one of the vials and tell me that my cholesterol was doing well otherwise it would have turned blue or darker green. I said a little thank you under my breath to the Quaker Oats guy. I've been eating those Raspberry Strudel breakfast bars buddy! I'm in the know on that one. She'll tell my agent (me) my results on exact numbers, and I'll do the little dance. Speaking of dancing. She had me waiting for over 30 minutes after drinking 30 ounces of water in order to get the right MIX for my urine sample. Seems she was unaware of the 3 cups of coffee and 16 ounces of orange juice I had drunken earlier in the morning - hell, she didn't get to my office until 10. I'm on the 2nd pot by then! I stop at Starbucks, load up, get to the office and make a fresh pot of House and you know - drink!
I did however have to admit to having broken all of the do-not-eat-before-the-test rules because I have hypoglycemia and I would have died, and being uninsured it would have been a bad risk for me to take as an agent - and a bad thing for me to do as the insured as well. I told her that I had my little breakfast bar, my 16 ounces of orange juice and I even told the truth about the coffee. I know that's why she made me wait - she could make me wait, so she did...these are cruel people we're dealing with. Vampires of the Lighted Hours as they like to call themselves - they have a union. So she marked me down on her paper as a rule breaker, and we continued the torture.
Because she's as vicious as a cat in a bathtub - she made me stand on a weight scale. I could have lied to her and said I was 150 pounds, what's the difference? (Well, about 9 pounds actually according to her damn scale!) I'm at least 5'7" according to her measuring tape and if she had let me keep my shoes on I could have explained the extra pound or two that I was planning on keeping a secret. I tried the "I'm wearing heavy clothes" trick, but she marked down 165 just to piss me off! Then she smiled, erased it and marked 159....and she laughed. We both laughed, it was a moment. I was able to look into her mouth, and couldn't find any pointy shaped K-9 fangs, so I gave up on the whole vampire thing - and I asked her name. She was sweet about it - Carolyn. She's married, has kids, a dog - and then she told me her deepest darkest secret - we weigh the exact same! Only her weight wasn't going on some God forsaken paper that would be filed for eternity marking her medical investigative bureau information sheet for life, and mine was!
Well, next year I'll just have to explain the next 15 to 30 pounds that I lose that's all - and this time I'll tell her straight up that it was for VANITY! That's right, I went there!
The woman who came to my office today to do the exam didn't have to wonder for very long who it was that was having the premed done - I had the sleeve rolled up on my shirt and that smirky little "don't-hurt-me" look on my face - God, I hate needles. Is it really worth a poke in the arm to insure that my kids actually go to college should I die? I probably won't die! I'll probably have to pay for their tuition through my nose rather than my death benefit - odds are, mortality tables are, everything is against me dying at my age being in the shape that I'm in. However, this morning ON MY WAY TO THE OFFICE, I was nearly ran over by a WERNER truck that decided to exit to the right rather than use the rest of the highway he was on - just about took me out before the policy was even written and paid for! So, I guess barring bad health, cancer, disease and/or war - I could be squashed in my car like anyone else in this guy's way. (I got his number, I've already filed an online complaint - I roll that way!)
So, there is good news - I have great veins. Yes...I've been flattered before by doctors, nurses, vampires - you name it, anyone wanting my red stuff has NO problem finding it. Must be living right or something. "Hey, look, that's a fat one!" Well, at least she was only talking about my vein. I would have had to deck her in the mouth if she was talking about my butt or something. I have taken painstaking months on end to get rid of my end! Oh, and that was one of the things I had to answer for on the exam too. "Have you lost more than 15 pounds over the last 12 months?" I guess they want to be sure you're not infested with a virus - I had to answer in the affirmative and then give a detailed essay type statement concerning my weight loss program, the results, and what prompted my decision - was it for health or vanity? Both! Who loses weight just because they're suppose to? Please.
Once the blood was drawn, and drawn, and drawn some more - I asked her if I would be receiving any of the results from the tests. My answer was no. I asked her if my agent would be able to review my results. The answer was yes. Ha! Got her on that one! I'll have to wait on the test results, but she was able to dip a little pH stick or something into one of the vials and tell me that my cholesterol was doing well otherwise it would have turned blue or darker green. I said a little thank you under my breath to the Quaker Oats guy. I've been eating those Raspberry Strudel breakfast bars buddy! I'm in the know on that one. She'll tell my agent (me) my results on exact numbers, and I'll do the little dance. Speaking of dancing. She had me waiting for over 30 minutes after drinking 30 ounces of water in order to get the right MIX for my urine sample. Seems she was unaware of the 3 cups of coffee and 16 ounces of orange juice I had drunken earlier in the morning - hell, she didn't get to my office until 10. I'm on the 2nd pot by then! I stop at Starbucks, load up, get to the office and make a fresh pot of House and you know - drink!
I did however have to admit to having broken all of the do-not-eat-before-the-test rules because I have hypoglycemia and I would have died, and being uninsured it would have been a bad risk for me to take as an agent - and a bad thing for me to do as the insured as well. I told her that I had my little breakfast bar, my 16 ounces of orange juice and I even told the truth about the coffee. I know that's why she made me wait - she could make me wait, so she did...these are cruel people we're dealing with. Vampires of the Lighted Hours as they like to call themselves - they have a union. So she marked me down on her paper as a rule breaker, and we continued the torture.
Because she's as vicious as a cat in a bathtub - she made me stand on a weight scale. I could have lied to her and said I was 150 pounds, what's the difference? (Well, about 9 pounds actually according to her damn scale!) I'm at least 5'7" according to her measuring tape and if she had let me keep my shoes on I could have explained the extra pound or two that I was planning on keeping a secret. I tried the "I'm wearing heavy clothes" trick, but she marked down 165 just to piss me off! Then she smiled, erased it and marked 159....and she laughed. We both laughed, it was a moment. I was able to look into her mouth, and couldn't find any pointy shaped K-9 fangs, so I gave up on the whole vampire thing - and I asked her name. She was sweet about it - Carolyn. She's married, has kids, a dog - and then she told me her deepest darkest secret - we weigh the exact same! Only her weight wasn't going on some God forsaken paper that would be filed for eternity marking her medical investigative bureau information sheet for life, and mine was!
Well, next year I'll just have to explain the next 15 to 30 pounds that I lose that's all - and this time I'll tell her straight up that it was for VANITY! That's right, I went there!
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Sebastian Maniscalco Doesn't Have Faith
You can make fun of people, you can make fun of animals, you can make fun of just about anything -- after all, that's the message behind the First Amendment right? WRONG. There are limitations, there are taboos, there are things you simply don't do because it would be WRONG to do it. One of those things - Mr. Maniscalco, is to make fun of a little dog without front legs and to do so in such a manner that she's put down in front of a live and potentially influential audience. I don't know where he was performing, but Sebastian Maniscalco has a YouTube out there where he spends about 3 1/2 minutes of time making fun, and otherwise hurting the image, the message, and the spirit of my dog Faith and her message of love, strength, encouragement, and well - FAITH. It's quite apparent by his actions that he can't really get a laugh without dragging on someone else - his whole monologue consisted of put downs and hurtful words.
I was a stand up comedian for years. Did I make fun, or poke fun at people? Heck yes! But in good fun, in good humor, in a way that made me just as vulnerable, and I invited the audience to go down that path of humility with me - not leaving it out in the open to burn, scar, hurt, mame, or otherwise just be ugly about someone - in this case, something. My dog Faith. Maniscalco's YouTube served one purpose - to make him look good. It DID NOT WORK. From the comments left you can see that he touched on something he should NOT have. He needs to apologize publicly and in a very very meaningful way - to do that he will need to go through my attorney at this point. I tried to reach him but to no avail. Seems he was too busy to talk to me, claiming his First Amendment rights were in tact...think again! You still can't slander someone, and he did - not Faith, ME.
So, yes, I am ordinarily easy to get along with, I'm the best friend to most, but baby - you step on my kid, or you step on my dog - and I will BITE YOU MYSELF - Hell hath no fury as a woman who has been scorned Mr. Maniscalco - The sad thing is, Faith would accept you Mr. Maniscalco for what and who you are. Funny, you have arms and you can't use them to hug, you have to point and be ugly about it. I pity you. I really do. I pity you.
I was a stand up comedian for years. Did I make fun, or poke fun at people? Heck yes! But in good fun, in good humor, in a way that made me just as vulnerable, and I invited the audience to go down that path of humility with me - not leaving it out in the open to burn, scar, hurt, mame, or otherwise just be ugly about someone - in this case, something. My dog Faith. Maniscalco's YouTube served one purpose - to make him look good. It DID NOT WORK. From the comments left you can see that he touched on something he should NOT have. He needs to apologize publicly and in a very very meaningful way - to do that he will need to go through my attorney at this point. I tried to reach him but to no avail. Seems he was too busy to talk to me, claiming his First Amendment rights were in tact...think again! You still can't slander someone, and he did - not Faith, ME.
So, yes, I am ordinarily easy to get along with, I'm the best friend to most, but baby - you step on my kid, or you step on my dog - and I will BITE YOU MYSELF - Hell hath no fury as a woman who has been scorned Mr. Maniscalco - The sad thing is, Faith would accept you Mr. Maniscalco for what and who you are. Funny, you have arms and you can't use them to hug, you have to point and be ugly about it. I pity you. I really do. I pity you.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Order of the Phoenix - OK
Like every Harry Potter book that has been turned into a movie (a mega-million-dollar blockbuster sort of film), the Order of the Phoenix has a big demand and it delivers - but there is that one problem of trying to fit the entire book into the movie time frame, and it just can't happen. I wanted to see a bit more character development from the house elf that mutters and sputters at Sirius Black's house, but it was great to see that he was even included. I wanted to see the professors teaching and their interaction with the kids, but we did get to see them being drilled and grilled by Delores Umbridge, which was fun.
Upon exiting the film I tried to listen to the whining and the cheering of the people; some really loving it, and others complaining - and it hit me that those who were doing the complaining were the devoted readers of the books. I heard a guy say to his girlfriend "I loved it and I didn't even read a single page of the stupid book, see, I liked it and you didn't." He was actually referring to the fact that the house elves weren't made a part of this movie like they are in the book- they don't come to the rescue, they don't tease the little girl house elf like they do in the book - and Hermie Grainer doesn't form a club to save them either. You see the one or two short and inadequate shots of the elf being a bit on the nasty side, nothing like the book, but it's OK...I understand. What the book had - that the movie did NOT have, was a descent Cho Chin. Sorry, I don't usually say things about young actresses, but this girl can NOT pull off even the simplest acts of the character whatsoever. She was not only weak - she was stiff, unforgivably boring, and a bit on the star-struck side to be considered a real girlfriend, and hey - wasn't he suppose to go to the kid's bar in the winter time, have a few butter beers and end up breaking up with Cho? I may have that mixed up with my imagination, but like I said, they couldn't add everything - and that means they had to nix the winter scenes as well - oh, wait - there's a 20 second scene where we do actually see, just see, the bar, the village - the familiar stages - but not for long.
What was interesting to me was another comment that was made - and that I agreed with - you didn't see much of anyone. Everyone, and I mean EVERY ONE of the characters are in the book - but you don't see ANY ONE of them for long at all. Just a few minutes each - except well, Harry, and Sirius - you see a good amount of Gary Oldham - he's great. You see bits and pieces of Lupin, Bellatrux, Lucius, Voldermort, Hagrid, Moody, Dumbledore, McGonagal, and a few good scenes with Snape - it was all about Delores this time around. She did a great job - NO, do you know who did the best? The BEST BEST performance - Luna Lovegood! Seriously, I don't even know the kid's name - she was the best. Bar none. She skipped her way into the best of show position - the rest was academic really - the story was told.
There you have it - a 3 star film at best for a 5 star book - but, then again, I heard complaint after complaint when the book came out too because of the overt mechanism of the writing, the staleness of the plot - fair enough - but you (like me) bought into it! No spoiler here - we all know Sirius bites the bullet - he did so, and he did so with class. Bravo Padfoot! Bravo!
Upon exiting the film I tried to listen to the whining and the cheering of the people; some really loving it, and others complaining - and it hit me that those who were doing the complaining were the devoted readers of the books. I heard a guy say to his girlfriend "I loved it and I didn't even read a single page of the stupid book, see, I liked it and you didn't." He was actually referring to the fact that the house elves weren't made a part of this movie like they are in the book- they don't come to the rescue, they don't tease the little girl house elf like they do in the book - and Hermie Grainer doesn't form a club to save them either. You see the one or two short and inadequate shots of the elf being a bit on the nasty side, nothing like the book, but it's OK...I understand. What the book had - that the movie did NOT have, was a descent Cho Chin. Sorry, I don't usually say things about young actresses, but this girl can NOT pull off even the simplest acts of the character whatsoever. She was not only weak - she was stiff, unforgivably boring, and a bit on the star-struck side to be considered a real girlfriend, and hey - wasn't he suppose to go to the kid's bar in the winter time, have a few butter beers and end up breaking up with Cho? I may have that mixed up with my imagination, but like I said, they couldn't add everything - and that means they had to nix the winter scenes as well - oh, wait - there's a 20 second scene where we do actually see, just see, the bar, the village - the familiar stages - but not for long.
What was interesting to me was another comment that was made - and that I agreed with - you didn't see much of anyone. Everyone, and I mean EVERY ONE of the characters are in the book - but you don't see ANY ONE of them for long at all. Just a few minutes each - except well, Harry, and Sirius - you see a good amount of Gary Oldham - he's great. You see bits and pieces of Lupin, Bellatrux, Lucius, Voldermort, Hagrid, Moody, Dumbledore, McGonagal, and a few good scenes with Snape - it was all about Delores this time around. She did a great job - NO, do you know who did the best? The BEST BEST performance - Luna Lovegood! Seriously, I don't even know the kid's name - she was the best. Bar none. She skipped her way into the best of show position - the rest was academic really - the story was told.
There you have it - a 3 star film at best for a 5 star book - but, then again, I heard complaint after complaint when the book came out too because of the overt mechanism of the writing, the staleness of the plot - fair enough - but you (like me) bought into it! No spoiler here - we all know Sirius bites the bullet - he did so, and he did so with class. Bravo Padfoot! Bravo!
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Ozzy Sees a Little Faith for Himself!
It is OFFICIAL - Ozzy Osbourne (and his wonderful and beautiful family) have had the distinct pleasure of having met my dog Faith, and of course, my daughter Laura. Laura was laughing when she called me to tell me about Ozzy's reaction - she said, and I quote "Yes, he cussed. He said 'What the f*#k is that thing?' but he was joking, and laughing, and having a great time with her Mom. I was so afraid that Faith was going to bite him because he was just like Rick Springfield, he was so happy to see her." But, as it turns out, God was gracious, and my puppy did not bite the Master of Darkness - is that his title now? I can't keep up. He seems like the sweetest man actually - all of his past somewhat notwithstanding, I imagine most of his image is exactly that - an image. Faith doesn't care about those things, she loves good people - dogs and kids - they know! Ozzy passed the sniff test! He must be awesome.
Laura said that she and Kelly weren't able to talk too much, but that they were able to laugh a little at Ozzy and his reaction, I'm sure the girls will be spending a bit more time together as the tour progresses - Laura, being a singer, will no doubt want to exchange a few chords and words with Kelly and be happy to hear anything new that she's producing - Laura's second release comes out soon on www.showcaseyourmusic.com/Laura just in case you're wanting to hear more. She recorded "She Will Be Loved", originally recorded by the Maroon 5. Laura's version is not for sale, but for showcasing her gritty and sultry vocals - rather good actually...but I'm biased, I have to be, it's my job as the Mom.
So, the first date is almost over, the bands love my dog, the Master of the shows loves my dog, they think Laura's pretty cute too - and she is. I hope the future shows prove to be as rewarding for the millions who will be attending, they have been bringing out their cells to take pictures of Faith and Laura, signs are popping up on MySpace and YouTube about them - soon a few videos will proclaim that Faith has gone completely metal and you'll see CGI videos of my dog body surfing over the crowds - don't believe a second of it - Laura maybe, but Faith wouldn't allow such a thing - she's a bit shy in reality. Most people are surprised not only by her size (some say she's bigger, some say she's smaller than they thought) but everyone should know by now that she prefers girls - so, Sharon, Kelly - you're cool 24/7/365 - Poor Jack and Ozzy will have to be accepted each and every time I'm afraid - thanks for the invite guys, Laura is having the time of her life!
Props to you Ozzy, Sharon, Kelly and Jack.
Laura said that she and Kelly weren't able to talk too much, but that they were able to laugh a little at Ozzy and his reaction, I'm sure the girls will be spending a bit more time together as the tour progresses - Laura, being a singer, will no doubt want to exchange a few chords and words with Kelly and be happy to hear anything new that she's producing - Laura's second release comes out soon on www.showcaseyourmusic.com/Laura just in case you're wanting to hear more. She recorded "She Will Be Loved", originally recorded by the Maroon 5. Laura's version is not for sale, but for showcasing her gritty and sultry vocals - rather good actually...but I'm biased, I have to be, it's my job as the Mom.
So, the first date is almost over, the bands love my dog, the Master of the shows loves my dog, they think Laura's pretty cute too - and she is. I hope the future shows prove to be as rewarding for the millions who will be attending, they have been bringing out their cells to take pictures of Faith and Laura, signs are popping up on MySpace and YouTube about them - soon a few videos will proclaim that Faith has gone completely metal and you'll see CGI videos of my dog body surfing over the crowds - don't believe a second of it - Laura maybe, but Faith wouldn't allow such a thing - she's a bit shy in reality. Most people are surprised not only by her size (some say she's bigger, some say she's smaller than they thought) but everyone should know by now that she prefers girls - so, Sharon, Kelly - you're cool 24/7/365 - Poor Jack and Ozzy will have to be accepted each and every time I'm afraid - thanks for the invite guys, Laura is having the time of her life!
Props to you Ozzy, Sharon, Kelly and Jack.
More Troops Please!
Faith and my daughter Laura are currently (until tomorrow) in Seattle, Washington where the great U.S. Army base of Ft. Lewis is located - and of course, the great U.S. Air Force base of Ft. McChord! Faith was hanging out yesterday after being stranded at the Donald, WA Shell station when our good friend Pat McGhee of Ft. Lewis came by and scooped she and Laura up for a whirlwind ride to the base to visit patients in the hospital, staff both at the hospital and on the base at the PX where Pat is the manager. Laura called me to say "Mom, I was so dang tired, I was upset about having been left, I was embarrassed in fact because of the fact that I had not let anyone know where I was going, and it could have been so terrible - but then Pat showed up and took us to the base! We saw a million soldiers Mom, they were so beautiful, they were so happy to see Faith - Mom, it made everything OK again."
See, all you need in your daily routine is a little digital green and brown to make the blues disappear! Bring on the troops Pat! Hey, tell every military station out there within ear and eye shot of where Ozzfest is going to be to send out their own troops to see Sgt. Faith at the Big Tent with the Brothers Grim Side Show - they'll love her, she'll love them - and all will be well with the world...or at least that part of it. Seeing troops makes Faith feel as if she's with her boy Reuben, and it certainly lifts the spirits of my daughter who needed a boost from the scare she had - just hugging a few soldiers and especially those who have been hospitalized after defending us - can make the biggest difference in my life, so I know it has to affect Laura as well. Faith doesn't know the difference really between a hurt soldier and a healthy soldier, to her they're all just GORGEOUS - and they all have the same potential to feed her a little something under the table! She doesn't discriminate!
So, attention all Armed Forces Personnel - in and around the 48 mainland states - pay close attention to where the Ozzfest buses pull in to greet the fine citizenry where you may be stationed...you too could be a guest of the most wonderful Sgt on the planet - Faith the Dog! Go by and let her nose you to say thank you, thank you, thank you, but I will warn you - you need to be wearing your ACUs or she won't like you much if you're a guy - she's funny like that - in the greens you're accepted 100% - out of them, well, you're on your own - she likes girls though - it must be a predator thing. Just put on the uniform my friends - and again, I can't say this enough...THANK YOU for your service to me, to my family, my country, and yours! Thank you! It is an HONOR of mine to be able to share my family and my beloved dog Faith with you.
See, all you need in your daily routine is a little digital green and brown to make the blues disappear! Bring on the troops Pat! Hey, tell every military station out there within ear and eye shot of where Ozzfest is going to be to send out their own troops to see Sgt. Faith at the Big Tent with the Brothers Grim Side Show - they'll love her, she'll love them - and all will be well with the world...or at least that part of it. Seeing troops makes Faith feel as if she's with her boy Reuben, and it certainly lifts the spirits of my daughter who needed a boost from the scare she had - just hugging a few soldiers and especially those who have been hospitalized after defending us - can make the biggest difference in my life, so I know it has to affect Laura as well. Faith doesn't know the difference really between a hurt soldier and a healthy soldier, to her they're all just GORGEOUS - and they all have the same potential to feed her a little something under the table! She doesn't discriminate!
So, attention all Armed Forces Personnel - in and around the 48 mainland states - pay close attention to where the Ozzfest buses pull in to greet the fine citizenry where you may be stationed...you too could be a guest of the most wonderful Sgt on the planet - Faith the Dog! Go by and let her nose you to say thank you, thank you, thank you, but I will warn you - you need to be wearing your ACUs or she won't like you much if you're a guy - she's funny like that - in the greens you're accepted 100% - out of them, well, you're on your own - she likes girls though - it must be a predator thing. Just put on the uniform my friends - and again, I can't say this enough...THANK YOU for your service to me, to my family, my country, and yours! Thank you! It is an HONOR of mine to be able to share my family and my beloved dog Faith with you.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
No - Harry Potter Does Not Die in HPDH
Just to let you know - Harry Potter fans will be happy to realize once they've searched over the 800+ pages in the last and final book in the long anticipated series - that Harry Potter, our boy wonder does not die. People do die - people always die, but HEY, one comes back - doesn't that make up for the loss of the red-headed imp? Oops, did I do it again? Did I totally spoil your fun? Well, don't mind me, go right ahead and read the final book - can't hurt, you've already bought it, you've read the last 6 books, you've been like me, and you've scanned them all again in order just to be sure you have all of the clues in place.
Actually - did you know (rumor has it anyway) that JK has a team of readers and raiders pouring over every word in every line in every paragraph and page of every book she's written so as NOT to make the mistake she made in what was it, number 4, when she tripped over a fact or two? Harry fans beat her up over that one you know - couldn't go to the movies and really enjoy the plot for all of the whining in the audience - babies (fans) claiming this wasn't quite right, or that wasn't quite right - meaning, it wasn't EXACTLY as they had it in the book. I personally, don't care if the books and the movies don't match perfectly. It only makes me think that the creators of both were savvy enough to think we the readers and the watchers, are able to separate ourselves ever so slightly, and enjoy a diversion! Isn't that the point?
Well, ever since Birds and Animals Ltd. refused to allow Faith (my dog) to be in the 4th movie, Goblet of Fire, I couldn't really give a monkey's behind whether or not the boy wizard survives or gets his head torn completely off his shoulders in a vicious Quiddich game - oops, nearly spoiled another plot twist - he survives that one too. If you ask me, Harry's been a bit too lucky and he's been a bit too indulged - - but then again, look at the characters in CSI and ask yourself if they shouldn't have bit the dust a few more times too - Delco: gets shot in the head - back to work in what a week? Horatio Caine misses that silver bullet weekly - he's the guy I want to be standing with (except of course when the woman he married after knowing her 2 weeks was actually standing with him and got shot - Delco's sister, remember? Maybe I watch too much t.v. - as long as they leave Mac Taylor's happy butt alive and kicking, I'm OK. Peyton could bite the big one - I wouldn't care.)
So, no, Harry doesn't die - yes a Weasley does - and no Hagrid doesn't beat anyone up, not really - the kid that played Draco had the best idea - he got out when the getting was good. If he dies it won't be because he's a key player, but because in real life Tom's mom and dad took the money and got out of Dodge! At least he'll have a career when the 7th film is over and done with. Poor poor poor Dan Ratcliffe, the mark on his character's head - stained him for life as well I'm afraid - but at least his parents get to see him again - OOOOOOh, there I go again - spoiler, spoiler, spoiler! This book was just too predictable.
Actually - did you know (rumor has it anyway) that JK has a team of readers and raiders pouring over every word in every line in every paragraph and page of every book she's written so as NOT to make the mistake she made in what was it, number 4, when she tripped over a fact or two? Harry fans beat her up over that one you know - couldn't go to the movies and really enjoy the plot for all of the whining in the audience - babies (fans) claiming this wasn't quite right, or that wasn't quite right - meaning, it wasn't EXACTLY as they had it in the book. I personally, don't care if the books and the movies don't match perfectly. It only makes me think that the creators of both were savvy enough to think we the readers and the watchers, are able to separate ourselves ever so slightly, and enjoy a diversion! Isn't that the point?
Well, ever since Birds and Animals Ltd. refused to allow Faith (my dog) to be in the 4th movie, Goblet of Fire, I couldn't really give a monkey's behind whether or not the boy wizard survives or gets his head torn completely off his shoulders in a vicious Quiddich game - oops, nearly spoiled another plot twist - he survives that one too. If you ask me, Harry's been a bit too lucky and he's been a bit too indulged - - but then again, look at the characters in CSI and ask yourself if they shouldn't have bit the dust a few more times too - Delco: gets shot in the head - back to work in what a week? Horatio Caine misses that silver bullet weekly - he's the guy I want to be standing with (except of course when the woman he married after knowing her 2 weeks was actually standing with him and got shot - Delco's sister, remember? Maybe I watch too much t.v. - as long as they leave Mac Taylor's happy butt alive and kicking, I'm OK. Peyton could bite the big one - I wouldn't care.)
So, no, Harry doesn't die - yes a Weasley does - and no Hagrid doesn't beat anyone up, not really - the kid that played Draco had the best idea - he got out when the getting was good. If he dies it won't be because he's a key player, but because in real life Tom's mom and dad took the money and got out of Dodge! At least he'll have a career when the 7th film is over and done with. Poor poor poor Dan Ratcliffe, the mark on his character's head - stained him for life as well I'm afraid - but at least his parents get to see him again - OOOOOOh, there I go again - spoiler, spoiler, spoiler! This book was just too predictable.
My Family Gets Misplaced A Lot of the Time
So, you remember last February when American Airlines misplaced my dog Faith - sending her to Chicago I believe, rather than to our actual destination of Orlando, Florida. It was a newsworthy event. CNN picked up on it - the world, you know - a few interested millions called or e-mailed to say they were praying for us. We love and we thank them. Well, it's happened again.
This time, Laura and Faith are traveling with the Ozzfest group on their way through the U.S. to entertain the masses - they're traveling on the biggest, most sleek looking tour bus I've ever seen - and the driver (a fantastic woman) has left my daughter and my dog at a Shell gas station in Donald, Washington. According to Mapquest they're 154 miles away from their destination of Seattle - where the Ozzfest will begin in earnest tomorrow at noon. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine being 18, needing to poo, getting off the bus when it stops to refuel, but not telling anyone that you left - and then getting left?
Laura called me this morning at 7:40 a.m. my time, 5:40 a.m. her time, to tell me she was stranded, and that she was wearing a Lolita skirt on top of everything else. She and her new friend Stitch, a performer, were showing off their clothes and wearing various outfits which showed off various body parts when they both fell asleep in the early hours - and then it stopped and Laura left the bus with Faith without telling anyone...she won't do that again.
"Mom, the bus left me!" Immediately I went into crisis mode - which means I remained calm and made the appropriate calls. Not that calling anyone helped, no one answered their cells, but I made the calls. I texted, I called again, I even mentioned I would be calling the police soon - you know, if they didn't pick her back up, or if I hadn't heard from her. I got on Mapquest and looked up the reverse phone number option for the phone number that came over my cell - but oddly enough, it was a 702 exchange, which is Las Vegas, and it stated it was a land line. That wasn't possible. They were suppose to be in Washington state - nevertheless, I called the Las Vegas police just in case the bus had taken the wrong turn in Oklahoma.
While talking with Candance of the Las Vegas police, I got a call from Lucas, the manager of the Ozzfest and hey, he had just realized that my daughter and my dog weren't on the bus. Did I mention that it was a HUGE bus? You could misplace an elephant and no one would know for a while. Lucas' voice was groggy, sleepy, a little confused - but he assured me that he would have the driver turn the bus around and pick up my kid and my doggy. What a great man. He went on to say that Laura needed to tell someone she was leaving every time, and of course I agreed with him. When she called me back from another land line it registered as being in Washington state with a 509 area code - much better. I called her back on that line, as my phone wasn't accepting credit calls, and she informed me that she was not only wearing a completely inappropriate skirt at a truck stop in southern Washington, but that she was silly enough not to have dressed Faith properly in her therapy vest - so she couldn't go into the building to wait - she had to wait by the phones outside. Apparently, no one in the Shell station recognized Faith. (Too many OTHER two-legged yellow dogs running around I suppose.)
Anyway - the end is here. She was picked up by the monster bus, and scolded properly not only by Lucas, but by Stitch, and every other performer who had to be inconvenienced by turning around and losing about an hour's time this morning - aaaahhh, the joys of being on the road and needing to poo, but being too shy to tell the bus driver - now the world knows. (Hey World, my daughter Laura poos from time to time. If she's on YOUR bus, you may want to know that before you pull out and go on to your eventual destination.) Look for her - she may be the one inappropriately dressed and dragging a two-legged K-9 behind her.
This time, Laura and Faith are traveling with the Ozzfest group on their way through the U.S. to entertain the masses - they're traveling on the biggest, most sleek looking tour bus I've ever seen - and the driver (a fantastic woman) has left my daughter and my dog at a Shell gas station in Donald, Washington. According to Mapquest they're 154 miles away from their destination of Seattle - where the Ozzfest will begin in earnest tomorrow at noon. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine being 18, needing to poo, getting off the bus when it stops to refuel, but not telling anyone that you left - and then getting left?
Laura called me this morning at 7:40 a.m. my time, 5:40 a.m. her time, to tell me she was stranded, and that she was wearing a Lolita skirt on top of everything else. She and her new friend Stitch, a performer, were showing off their clothes and wearing various outfits which showed off various body parts when they both fell asleep in the early hours - and then it stopped and Laura left the bus with Faith without telling anyone...she won't do that again.
"Mom, the bus left me!" Immediately I went into crisis mode - which means I remained calm and made the appropriate calls. Not that calling anyone helped, no one answered their cells, but I made the calls. I texted, I called again, I even mentioned I would be calling the police soon - you know, if they didn't pick her back up, or if I hadn't heard from her. I got on Mapquest and looked up the reverse phone number option for the phone number that came over my cell - but oddly enough, it was a 702 exchange, which is Las Vegas, and it stated it was a land line. That wasn't possible. They were suppose to be in Washington state - nevertheless, I called the Las Vegas police just in case the bus had taken the wrong turn in Oklahoma.
While talking with Candance of the Las Vegas police, I got a call from Lucas, the manager of the Ozzfest and hey, he had just realized that my daughter and my dog weren't on the bus. Did I mention that it was a HUGE bus? You could misplace an elephant and no one would know for a while. Lucas' voice was groggy, sleepy, a little confused - but he assured me that he would have the driver turn the bus around and pick up my kid and my doggy. What a great man. He went on to say that Laura needed to tell someone she was leaving every time, and of course I agreed with him. When she called me back from another land line it registered as being in Washington state with a 509 area code - much better. I called her back on that line, as my phone wasn't accepting credit calls, and she informed me that she was not only wearing a completely inappropriate skirt at a truck stop in southern Washington, but that she was silly enough not to have dressed Faith properly in her therapy vest - so she couldn't go into the building to wait - she had to wait by the phones outside. Apparently, no one in the Shell station recognized Faith. (Too many OTHER two-legged yellow dogs running around I suppose.)
Anyway - the end is here. She was picked up by the monster bus, and scolded properly not only by Lucas, but by Stitch, and every other performer who had to be inconvenienced by turning around and losing about an hour's time this morning - aaaahhh, the joys of being on the road and needing to poo, but being too shy to tell the bus driver - now the world knows. (Hey World, my daughter Laura poos from time to time. If she's on YOUR bus, you may want to know that before you pull out and go on to your eventual destination.) Look for her - she may be the one inappropriately dressed and dragging a two-legged K-9 behind her.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Turning Your Back
You wake up one day and your kid is 21 years old, he's in the Army, he's lost 40 pounds, and he's riding a moose.
Well, at least he's smiling, and he looks happy.
If you ask me the Army hasn't really done their best to convince my son that he's suppose to be serious, tough-faced, hard, and stern at all times. The day he graduated from Basic Training out of Ft. Knox, KY his Drill Sgt came up to me and squared his shoulders about 8 inches from my face. He lifted his chin and spoke almost as if he were speaking to the air above my head - and he said "Ma'am, your son has been disgracing my platoon for several weeks. He has been smiling when he should be swearing. He has not let up, and when I tried my hardest to beat him into place, he has retaliated with gleefulness - something I find both irritating as well as challenging from the point of view of an Army Drill Sgt. Is there anything I need to know about your son that wasn't in his file regarding his inability to stop all that happiness?" (Of course, I'm paraphrasing the good Sgt.) My answer was simply - you guessed it - to smile.
If smiling can be used as a means of defusing the situation then Reuben has been a master of it for years. He used to smile through the mud and the rain at football practice when the other guys were cussing and running for the bleachers to take cover. I remember standing out in the rain myself during one game because it has always been a rule that we won't take cover unless there is lightning present. If its just rain - we stand and we watch the game. My son was playing, I was in the stands....and as it turns out, I was the ONLY one left in the stands - as literally every other fan, family member, follower, or friend of the players was huddled under the patio, the overhangs, and anything else that could cover them. My son looked up from the middle of the field - wondering if his mom had broken her promise. I had not. I stood there, and I stretched out my arm to him after having used my fist to pound my heart. My finger making the "one" sign to Heaven...our little sign of "I love you". We both stood in the rain - smiling.
So, whether he's tackling quarterbacks, moose, or just doing push ups for the C.O. my baby is usually smiling - something I have to say can be unnerving at times - but immensely rewarding when you consider the alternative. Because my baby is an Aries, he tends to smile more often than most others - he's unaware of his surroundings actually - never really grasping the full reality or the severity of any given situation. To Reu everything is new, everything an adventure, every event monumental - something to be savored...what a way to look at life. Sometimes just looking at my son can bring me such joy - making me forget all about the war, the hate, the hurt, and even the fact that I still owe more than I make - just to know that there is always something worth smiling about - and/or someone. I love that kid.
Dublin Dog Collars
Oh, have your heard about this? Dublin Dog is a great new company owned and operated out of North Carolina - its creator and operator is Jason Watson. I call him the Boss Man now, as Faith and I are a part of his effort to spread the word to as many people as we can about how great Dublin Dog collars are. Faith wouldn't use anything else! These collars are like - well, perfect! You can't get them dirty. We had fun last week trying. I took Faith to the duck pond and let her go. She ran into the water, got all mucky-dirty-gooey-gross from not only the mud in the water and on the shoreline, but you know what ducks do on the sand and dirt! They poo.
Faith was knee deep in the water, chasing, grabbing, fishing if you will for the bobbing and "ducking" ducks - but the collar stayed clean. I mean, it had mud all over it, but when I took it off of her and washed it with just the water from the hose, it got clean again. I imagine you may have to occasionally break out the detergent or something, but the best thing is - the collar didn't smell like swamp water. I let my friend's two year old chew on another collar (without the buckle) for a few hours just to see if it would tear - WAIT, did you think I meant a kid? No, she has a pit-mix and he absolutely loved the new chew strip. I may have to buy another collar for Faith to chew on too. I don't think you can destroy these things. They'll be around with the cockroaches in the year 3030. We'll be gone - but science will have proven by then that dogs in the year 2007 used to walk upright! They'll find Faith's remains with a Dublin Dog collar around her neck, and they'll swear that all dogs walked upright -without the technology to run our DVDs and modern devices, children will begin to believe that all dogs were bi-pedal in the year 3030...and they'll celebrate nearly 1000 years of using the same collars for the dogs that were in their family tree - having had them passed down to them over the many generations!
OK, maybe I'm going too far with the credit I should be giving to Dublin Dog, but you should be so lucky as to own one! Oh, wait, that's their slogan - "You Should Be So Lucky" - you can find them online of course, just google, or go to www.dublindog.com and order (I don't know, 10) give them as Christmas gifts and your friends will love you. No one else makes or sells this type of collar - you'll be special!
Thanks Jason.
Faith was knee deep in the water, chasing, grabbing, fishing if you will for the bobbing and "ducking" ducks - but the collar stayed clean. I mean, it had mud all over it, but when I took it off of her and washed it with just the water from the hose, it got clean again. I imagine you may have to occasionally break out the detergent or something, but the best thing is - the collar didn't smell like swamp water. I let my friend's two year old chew on another collar (without the buckle) for a few hours just to see if it would tear - WAIT, did you think I meant a kid? No, she has a pit-mix and he absolutely loved the new chew strip. I may have to buy another collar for Faith to chew on too. I don't think you can destroy these things. They'll be around with the cockroaches in the year 3030. We'll be gone - but science will have proven by then that dogs in the year 2007 used to walk upright! They'll find Faith's remains with a Dublin Dog collar around her neck, and they'll swear that all dogs walked upright -without the technology to run our DVDs and modern devices, children will begin to believe that all dogs were bi-pedal in the year 3030...and they'll celebrate nearly 1000 years of using the same collars for the dogs that were in their family tree - having had them passed down to them over the many generations!
OK, maybe I'm going too far with the credit I should be giving to Dublin Dog, but you should be so lucky as to own one! Oh, wait, that's their slogan - "You Should Be So Lucky" - you can find them online of course, just google, or go to www.dublindog.com and order (I don't know, 10) give them as Christmas gifts and your friends will love you. No one else makes or sells this type of collar - you'll be special!
Thanks Jason.
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