I am exceptionally angry right now, and I have a bona fide and justified reason to be so. I'll get into it a bit later, but just know that I had a good reason to flare up, and when I flared up, I decided to be honest, open, transparent, and blunt. I said what I believed needed to be said, and I really didn't give a damn if the person on the other end of the phone was upset, because she was the reason I was mad in the first place. I had let myself care about her too long, give a hoot about her personal life, and I even offered my advice on far more than 100 occasions since January of this year.
Let me start by saying I haven't ruined a relationship; I've just decided to change my role in that relationship now that the other person has shown not only her true colors but has also been about as narrow-minded and short-sighted as possible. If it took skin off my body, I wouldn't have cared. If it took food out of my mouth, I wouldn't have cared, but she messed with my money. You don't do that. You just do not do that.
I won't go into what happened. If you're one of my best friends, you'll find out when you come over and drink tea with me, or when you drive around the city looking for bargains. I'll tell you then, and we can go to Walmart and buy a load of good chocolate to top off our adventure. Sometimes chocolate is simply the answer. This was one of those times.
I mean, yes, I was and am so mad, I unfriended her on Facebook, and I'm not going to invite her back because really, after knowing her for nine months, she hasn't grown in terms of being more intelligent with her choices; she's become a door mat for others to walk on, kick, and leave dusty as they go on with their own lives. I'm sorry, but I don't be pathetic. I like people to stand up and defend themselves. Is that really too much to ask?
It was a work thing, but I won't say what. She made a choice, a decision that shouldn't have been made, and it pissed me off. We have guidelines and rules, and I abide by them. Hell, I wasn't the Employee of the Year last year because I don't know how to respond to people. I was given the honor and the title because I deserved it. I was the most productive, and I took time out of my day to assist and train others. I was voted into that position. She wasn't even there. I actually replaced her; she had quit the month before I started. I took her place.
She returned, but in another role. I'm told she was average, and I can see that. She's slower, more thorough perhaps, but in commission-based work (recovery work) you can't beat around the bush; you make the calls, do the work, get the offer, and submit it. You don't overthink; you cross the Ts that don't need to be crossed if you already have the offer. You don't need to stop, mull it over, think about it, and go through ten to fifteen more steps; you grab the damn bull by the horns, throw it down, and get up! It's really no wonder she didn't return in the same role.
One of...no, five of her decisions lately have put me and several others at bay. She's caused us to be behind. She's caused us to have to wait. She's put us so far behind the 8-ball, we're wondering if we're sinking or swimming; we're not sure, the water is high, and we're moving, but it just doesn't look like we're making any strides. I called her out on it nicely; I was transparent and polite about it two weeks ago. Nothing changed, and I was a bit more direct last week. Nothing changed, and when another decision to keep the turtle's pace continued, I let her have it when she asked me what I thought about this or that. I let her know exactly what I thought, and what everyone in my department thought as well.
Work relationships should more or less stay in their place until you have reason to trust one another outside work hours. I live really close to two of my co-workers, and we shop together, hang out, and discuss stuff. She lives in another state, but we Facebooked, texted, and talked by phone nearly every day - until today. I decided, like I decided a year ago that I no longer wanted to drink mass-produced coffee, that I just didn't need her in my life after the closing bell. I'll be polite. I'll be professional. I'll be useful, helpful, and supportive -- at work.
I can't say I'm mad. That was the wrong choice of words to use earlier. I'm disappointed. I'm upset (a little) because her actions have caused me to face consequences, but I'll be OK. I've got God to pull me through. I've got all the characters from every book I've ever written or am about to write inside my head, and I can strike up a conversation with any of them at any time, and they'll tell me what I should have said to her. I wish I were so free -- but Jesus has me by the soul. I can't say what I wanna say. What did Auntie Em say in the 1939 Classic, the Wizard of Oz? "For twenty-five years I've wanted to tell you exactly what I think of you, but now, being a Christian woman, I can't."
Well, I can say it's been twenty-five years; more like two and a half months, really. She's forfeited my concern by bottlenecking my production. She's forced me into a holding pattern, and I'm not a helicopter; I'm a rocket! I don't hold well. I work. I don't hover; I strike. I've decided to be joyful, not necessarily happy, but I am going to be joyful. I can choose that. I'll work. I won't involve her anymore than necessary, and when it becomes time that she becomes necessary, I'll seek another path if I can, because there really are more paths to choose.
If, because I'm no longer conversing or being chatty-chat-chat with her, I feel that she's oppressing my progress, I'll switch gears. I'm good at that. I can dance. I can sing. I can smile, and I can survive because life isn't about being happy; it's about choosing joy. I can find another way. I can find a way out. I can find means to shine without needing to dim her light. I just won't shine mine in her direction. Co-workers, in my experience, come and go. She will too. With the choices she's made lately, I can't see her hanging on much longer anyway - all this frustration may be for naught.
God is good. He is always good. He led me through the thick of it last year when I needed Him, and He'll never stop leading me. There is nothing in that Good Book that says I have to keep talking to the woman; I don't have to be mean, nasty, or rude either, but I sure as hell don't have to be accommodating, available, or even affable. I'll be cordial, polite, even accessible. I don't have to change the brightness of my light -- I have learned a great deal in these 64 years, and letting go of the negative is one thing I'm getting really good at.
Photo Credit: Target.com
No comments:
Post a Comment