Walk it Off!

 I've already written a blog today, but I don't mind spinning another. I can do that. I like writing. It's my thing really.  Lately, and I do mean LATELY, my thing has been walking a 10K every day or at least as many days as the weather will let me.  I can't run. I wish I could run, but my knee refuses to cooperate. It doesn't mind boxing, riding, dancing, or even power walking, but it will not allow me to run. I've tried a number of times. The breast have been rather nasty about it as well. Some days I wish I could bind them up so that they are never seen again. I could be as flat as a preadolescent boy and not be upset about it; but the simply fact is, I have big breasts and they remind me of the perils of running. Sad face.

    Walking has always been my go to for summertime weather exercise. I can't say I'm a fair weather walker because I will walk in the wind and light rain, just not when it's pouring outside or when God decides to bless us with lightning. Nope, not gonna see me hoofing it with the bolts all around the sky! I will keep my happy feet inside!  I do often times box, dance, or even just shuffle in place when the weather is bad, and now that I think about it, I can keep my watch on to see if I can pour out a 10K inside the house as well as outside on the pavement. 

    I started the new Spring 2002 Fitness Goals on April 2 and I have successfully walked or shuffled a 10K every day since. This is the 5th, so 4 days in a row. Tonight my little Ginger puppy decided to take the last 2 miles with me. I don't slow down, and I don't stop for her to sniff the grass when I do that. She knows it, I know it, we all know it, and there I am pulling dog, clicking at her to make her move! Neighbors have taken to laugh at us and click back at me when I pass by their unit!  It's our thing now, I guess.  I've been showered with garden hoses, water balloons, even popcorn!! Our geese don't mind the popcorn so there are three neighbors who will stand out by the pond and toss bread at me too. I'm telling you, these crazies are my crazies. I love them. I can't get any one of them to agree to power walk with me. A number of them start out with me on occasion then they fall off after 200-300 steps. My steps range from 22 inches to 39 inches in strides. Just depends on the music I'm blasting in my ears at the time. Could be Steph Macleod, could be .38 Special. Believe it or not Mercy Me can get your heart pumping!

    I clocked 12398 before 8:45 p.m. which is when I come in and rest until the 10:00 p.m. dog letting. I will do another mile when we go back out. I tend to stick closer to my own unit at that hour, but  one or two of my neighbors are always out at that time draining their dogs as well - - it's another thing. We have things. It's rather nice to have a complex with such wonderful weirdoes who don't mind coming out to cheer you on and toss moldy bread at you. I think Big Richard even balls up the bread to try and hit me. I've seen it! (We call him Big Richard because he's the older one, and Little Richard is 41 I think. They're both U.S. Army veterans; we have a few here. We take care of our own, too. 

    I am online now looking at a new pair of Ryka walkers. I think I want a new style for the Spring and Summer walk seasons. I think I need something really edgy and fun.  I only wear Ryka. They feel really good, fit just perfectly, and they are breathable. Gotta have the best for the feeties. Take care of your feet, they take care of you!  I was told that so so many years ago, and I believe it.  I think walking a 10K every day (or dancing, and/or boxing to the same) will burn about 500 calories, which isn't as many as I would want to burn, but it is 3500 a week, and that's a solid pound of fat each week. I could just do that and be 1/2 way to the goal.  I'm also eating well and doing the sort-of-not-really-Keto thing, where I eat less carbs and less sugar, but I'm not killing myself over it.

    We'll see where I am in June when Spring turns to Summer and the Summer 2022 Fitness Goals start.  The Spring 2002 Fitness Goals are to lose 20 pounds and go from a certain size to another certain size. I want to drop 4 jean-sizes. Dresses don't count, the hips count. You can easily squeeze into a smaller dress if it's flowy - - I want to be a perfectly rounded, hard-muscled, tight-ended, show off! Let the pockets tell the story, that's the goal. We'll see if I can make it happen.  If not, I have all summer to keep it going. Fall 2002 Fitness Goals are to maintain, bulk the arms and shred the thighs. I think by my birthday in November I would like to be on the aerial hammock....watch me!

Photo Credit:  Getting Inverted

Mind Your Mind!

 I'm working a temporary position for the week, just waiting for the start of my actual new job. I'm filling in for a claims adjuster who is training other claims adjusters to be claims adjusters. It's a beautiful thing! We need more ethical and well-minded individuals out there observing and investigating the likes of proximate causes for perils! This is something the world needs now, and I'm quite happy to be a part of the process.  I wanted to retain my employment in the insurance business, but I thought the path I was going down would lead me into wealth management perhaps selling insurance products such as variable annuities and such; but I have, as they say, "gone in a different direction".  I am loving every minute of it.

    Today, during the initial start up training, we were asked to watch an 8 minute video about motivation and how motivating oneself is the best way to start the day, to make the plans for the day, to keep one on track, to keep the momentum for the assignment as well as the processes.  I was really impressed by the video's underlying message; it was actually, in my opinion, stronger than the initial message.  The underlying message was (is) about resetting your mind to the point (each time you need to) that you remember to remember what your goals are. You need to (and have the capability to) reset your mind at any given second during the day. You don't have to wait for any particular moment or event to occur. You can reset and fail, reset and fail, reset and fail, over and over again, but the very important part is the fact that you reset and continue to do so in order to reiterate to yourself that you are as confident as you need to be, and you are the one who makes the ultimate choice in your life to be the stronger you.

    People are constantly coming up to me after I give a presentation and saying how they simply can't talk to people in a public manner. I usually end up saying "You're talking to me right now", and they end up stepping back a second to realize that they are doing exactly that. They are speaking to someone publicly that they have never met before! It's not as hard as everyone makes it out to be. Really it's not.  The scary part is when you allow your own mind to reject your message before you share it with others. You may be afraid of their reaction. You may not think you're voice is strong, or that it doesn't sound just right. That is no reason to stop talking and it is no reason to stop sharing your message. It needs to be heard. YOU need to be heard. Your opinions matter. EVEN if your opinion is not accepted by a single other person, you accept it, and it is YOUR opinion. Own it.

    When we absolutely choose to be shunned we are shunned. How does that saying go..."Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you are right."  We are the authors of our own books, the books we create within our heart, mind, and soul. We are the writers, we are the only ones who can erase the passages or add to them. We edit them. We are often apt to set the book down, never to be seen, read, or shared. We are scared to produce. We are afraid of rejection to the point of rejecting ourselves. This is not acceptable to anyone, let alone ourselves, but there we are. Did you know that God Himself has given us the power within ourselves to stand and be heard? It's true. The One who with His own voice created literally everything that is, has given us the power to call up from within our soul, the Holy Spirit, to use as a tool, as a ladder, to climb up to the top and make known whatever the message is that we are suppose to deliver. Make no mistake, if you have breath, you have a message to deliver!

    Our minds are so strong. Our mind is the place where every thought and idea begins. Our minds are the one things no one else can own or claim. They are ours forever and they are unique. Each of us has our own way and we should never be extinguished. We may need correcting. We may need redirecting. We may need education, and we certainly need to be disciplined, but our minds are who we have become and who will remain.  You can't mask a mind. You can stop it, but you can't cover it up. Let your mind light shine! Let you mind light blaze with all of its held and repressed glory. Let your mind light beam so brightly that when others look at you they want to find the wick to burn theirs as well. Be their beacon! You may set a fire that may never be tamed - - such a glorious legacy!

    One really good mind resetting exercise, incase you need one, is to go into your closet where you can be alone and close your doors, close your eyes.  Reach out with your hands and touch, feel the clothes around you, try to describe them using only your touch and memory of what you remember about them. Then dress others in your clothes and have them pretend to be you -- all in your mind - - have them walk like you, talk like you, dance, or ride a bike like you. Have them say what you wish you could say, and what you want to say to them!  Let your mind wander past the clothes and scope out the boxes and other things in the closet. Again, try to use your senses to recreate the mind exercise that will allow personification and animation of these objects...it's your mind. No one has the right to shut it off. Be openly and bluntly honest about your thoughts.  Now, allow yourself to really laugh! You win!

    Our mindset is what keeps us protected from insults.  We have to accept an insult before it can hurt us. If we don't allow it, it simply falls flat.  Remember that.  You are your own best defense against the waves of rejection that may try to harm your level of appreciation for yourself. YOU and only you are the one who can reset that precious brain; and then, do it again!  JUST FOR THE SHEER FUN OF IT. Let your heart race and sing! No one is you -- NO ONE can do for you what you alone can do for you when you set that mind, your mind, to be who you really do want to be. Stop trying to fit into their boxes!  Dance on top of your own!

Photo Credit: EmergingLeader.com

Spring 2022 Goals.

 Today is the first day of the Spring 2022 Fitness Goals for myself. I was going to start yesterday, but it was April Fool's Day and I didn't want anyone to think I was teasing. I did have a good April Fool's Day really. I pretended Jeannie and I were in Edinburgh. It was fun. I had a few people ask me to meet up at this or that cafe. Some of the ones asking me (us) to meet up were no closer to Edinburgh than we were, and it was fun to exchange "photos" we stole offline to keep the jest going. Fun!  Today is April 2, however and all foolery has been set aside.  It is now time to get the butt (quite literally) in gear, so that I can lose the needed weight, tone up the needed belly, lift the needed breasts, and feel the needed fire inside of me again. I have been FAR too lazy over the winter.

    August 3, 2020 was the day I decided to make it a very permanent change in my life to be fit. I have managed to do just that but over the past six or seven weeks I've let a few things go and I'm definitely feeling it. I've gained about seven pounds back and I know where each and every one of them have landed. I'm not happy about it, but it is a good place to start. The best thing for me (maybe not everyone else) is to stretch 10-15 minutes, do the vibration plate for 10-15 minutes while I lift a 10 pound bar or the 15 pound bar and do squats. Then I walk about 2-3 miles a day, that will increase to 5 miles as the summer approaches, and I have a jump rope that looks like King Kong should be using it. Believe me when I say I can literally only do it about two minutes before I fall flat on my face. 

    I did buy (and haven't set it up yet) a 30 foot 1-1/2" thick battle rope.  I have the necessary gear I need to attach it to the fence post outside. I was sort of waiting on that to come in before setting it up, and I was also waiting on the wind to die down, and the rain to stop. If there is no lightning I will continue to work in the rain, but I have to set it up first. I have a loop to put around a particular fence post that stands in front of my daughter's car so I can be somewhat shielded from the viewing eyes of the would be spectators. It's really not that big of a deal, but until I get really good at it and demand an audience, I may want to sort the thing(s) out a bit. I know it will also be a two minute work out until I get the arms in shape and try to build that up a bit as well. Today is the day I do that, perhaps.

    Breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the past few weeks have included carbs. I'm going to have to cut that out as well. I will absolutely miss my bread, but I will also be happier in the end. I will reserve bread for cheat day - - and it will be glorious.  Tomorrow, when I shop for food again, it will be the warrior in me that passes the bread isle and there will be more meat! There will be fat! There will be oil! There will be protein! There will be fruits and veggies. I'm such a huge veggie fan. I have this really cool machine that twists squash and zucchini into little spirals. LOVE IT. When I do that with an apple I put cinnamon and honey over it - - oh, don't get me started. I am really about ready to find that thing, and rinse it off so I can start tomorrow early.

    The goal is 27 pounds and 4 sizes of jeans. I'm not upset with what I am now, but I could be better. I have that little pouchy thing sticking out over my waistband again, and that is NOT acceptable to me. For about a year I've been able to say I was nearly flat bellied, then WINTER happened, and I was studying to take the Series 66 exam, so I didn't work out, I ate terribly, and I just let it go so I could focus. Now, starting Monday, which is in two days, I will work full time from home, which will give me plenty of ME time to do the stretching before work, the walking at lunch time, the vibration plate on my break, and the boxing and dancing - - which were not mentioned before, in the evening. I don't watch TV so there's no worries of me missing a show. I can catch a re-run online if I need to. I think the TV comes on fifteen times a year and thirteen of those are when I'm watching OU football and once or twice maybe when the tornadoes are about to touch down near my house!

    In Oklahoma we have four seasons like anyone else. We have Hot, Cold, Football, and Tornado seasons. They aren't always scheduled on a rotating calendar. We have had all four seasons in one day. No worries, we can pray, we can also sit in a closet and watch the game if we need to. Some folks have rooms and basements for that sort of thing. I have a little coat closet. God knows where I am. Back to the Fitness Goals...I do get distracted from time to time, and that happens when I'm working out as well. I can have a nasty thought of seeing myself going to Braum's for an ice cream sundae right in the middle of a power walk! I have been known to just throw caution to the wind and scratch that itch too. It doesn't do much for the scores and tallies for the goal, but it does make sense if you live in this part of the world. Braum's is a staple really - - it's there to keep you humble.

    I have a YMCA right across the street from me, and last week or so I rejoined it. Then about two days later I remembered why I don't go there, and I canceled my membership. I won't wait on a machine. I just won't do it. I went into the gym again and there were too many folks standing around talking while standing or sitting on the machines I wanted to use. Rather than being rude and saying "Ya'll need to move or start working out", I decided to do the easy thing and leave. They can keep it. I'm OK with the power walking, the lifting, the boxing, the dancing, the diet, and yeah, the 100+ ounces of lemon water as well as 50+ ounces of green tea. I do pee a lot, not gonna lie about that. It's a great feeling though because I know I'm killing off parasites and bringing about a really good balance of good bacteria with the probiotics I take. Did I mention that every night (mostly) I drink about 10 ounces of cucumber juice with an apple and either carrots or cinnamon? DANG...it's great. I do that just before I go to bed. This fat doesn't have a chance really. It's going to come off and it's going to stay off.

    That's it. I'm about to take a shower after walking the first 2 miles today. I walk about 1998 steps in one mile, my stride is literally 29.9" and I average 3.2 mph. It takes me a while to get the miles packed away, but I break it up when I can and do two sets a day. The evening can find me either catching up whatever I need to make my 5 miles, or I'll blow past it if the weather is good and I have nothing else to do. I don't use the Strava app such as my good friend Tex Newington uses. Nope, when you wear a watch that tells the app exactly where you live, that could be an issue for other complex dwellers. I just walk in circles basically anyway - - I may stray off to the parking lots of the medical buildings from time to time, but that's about it.  I could use a few mountains, hills, even parks to look at, but nope, just the little lake, geese, dirt, and smiling faces of my crazy neighbors who take to sitting on their patios and porches to cheer me on every day!  I'm so happy to be their cheap entertainment! 

Photo Credit: Ryka.com

Moving Plans.

 I've been planning to move for quite some time now. First, I was planning to move to Scotland, but the company I was going to work for decided not to start up due to C19 issues.  I get that. It would have been really something, but it didn't work out, and that's all good. God has a plan. Now, I'm planning on getting my own apartment for 6 months and then maybe saving to get a small condo (we don't sell apartments in this state. You can buy an apartment like building or "flat" but it's really a condominium.)  Right now the market is such that the sellers are asking way too much, and the buyers are refusing to buy. We never go above asking price here, but there seems to be a trend among the younger set to make that happen so they can out bid someone who has agreed to pay the asking price. I'm not playing that game.

    For me, just making my plans is good, and it's fun, and it keeps my mind occupied. I live in a great complex now; one I've lived in several times throughout my life. If there is an available unit in a month or so I'll likely just do that, and call it done. We only have one and two bedroom units here. There is a 2 or 3 year waiting list for the two bedrooms and you have to live here to be on that list.  It's really not even a prestigious sort of place; but we have our standards.  I lie and tease and say I've lived her over a 100 years, and that the others have been here longer. We have a substantial amount of older tenants. People will literally die in their unit before moving out - - that should tell you something. We do love it here.

    For the past 18 years or so we've had the same landlord and the same maintenance man. We have a second maintenance man, but he's only been here 6 years, so he's still being broken in and we still call him the new guy. He has a name; we all know it, but we call him the new guy.  The long standing maintenance man is like an uncle to my kids which makes him like a brother to me. He'll tell you straight up what he thinks and doesn't care if he offends you in doing so. He's not necessarily rude, but back in the day I could and would come home from work and he'd be in my apartment drinking my milk, watching my TV, and loving on my animals. He said he was going to charge me for babysitting. That's the type of place we live at, and it really is a good family feel.  

    My new place will be so clean. I look around my apartment now, the one I share with my daughter, and I shake my head. I don't live this way! I don't have things laying about on the floor. I may have books out of their shelves and sitting on tables, but not dishes, not clothes, not horse tack, and more. I decided to cut bait and get out before I go completely mad. I don't have the least bit of OCD, but I just can't stand to be in a cluttered place either. To me, if you don't need it, if you don't use it, you should give it away, sell it, throw it away, or store it. I could never understand people who will fill up a 10x10 storage unit with boxes and never see what they have stored, but they sure pay the $$$ every month to keep it there. If you don't use it, get rid of it! (that's me, it may not be you)

    So, over the weekend I decided to run up to Home Depot, At Home, Target, Hobby Lobby, and Michaels. I went play-shopping and pretending. I decorated my entire new fake apartment and I pretended to buy furniture, sheets, comforters, curtains, lamps, and I even bought new pots and pans. I want everything in the new place to be fresh, new, mine, and without a history really. I may take one or two art pieces that I have now because my daughter Caity made them, but that's about it. I'll supply her with more canvasses and paint and let her have at it - - I need to fill up a wall or two. No one else will have pieces like mine, and I'll be happy - - win win.

    I've also decided on buying a love seat rather than a full sized couch. I am getting a Papasan chair with a really nice cushion, and I won't let anyone spend the night with me or stay over. (I say that, but I know I would let a certain few stay.) I don't want my kid coming back and trying to move in with me. I want to be on my own. I have wanted to be on my own for over 7 years now. It's MY TURN thank you very much!  I want the food I want, the clothes I want, the towels, dishes, carpet cleaner, soap, and shampoo that I want. I don't want to go into my bathroom and see two towels hanging up. I don't want to see her shampoo, her conditioner, her makeup, her toiletries, and such. I want it all to be MINE.

    While I love this place, one thing I don't love about it is, they don't replace carpet, replace kitchen shelves, even appliances if they can be "fixed" or "cleaned" to work better. We've lived her 7 years now, and the carpet wasn't new then. They won't replace it unless and until all of the furniture is off of it and that can't really happen very easily, so when I do move I will demand new carpet and I will also demand that they replace Laura's as well. We'll move things off at that time. She deserves that. The cabinets in my unit now are so old and in need of simple repair. I could do some of it, but why should I? I rent. The counter tops are original from the 70s and they most assuredly need to be replaced. When I do move I will INSIST that they replace the counter tops or I may have to seek other arrangements. I just don't feel like being all that nice about it anymore. Gone are the days that I agree to compromise my comfort if I'm paying for it.

    One of the best feelings about planning the move is knowing that I won't have to put up with my little girl cackling and carrying on as loudly as she does when she's on her game. I work from home. She works from home too, but we both do tend to get on each other's last nerve with things we do. I constantly interrupt her and she constantly scream/laughs to the point that my clients ask where I am and if I'm safe! I do laugh. More and more of us work from home these days, but it does rather annoy me that I have to have my office in my bedroom because I don't have space to put it out in the dining area where it should be. I don't keep it there because there isn't a door that separates that space from the hall and her door is always open and she'd be cackling even louder at that point. NOPE.

    I love the stuffings out of that woman, but she is a grown woman, and she needs to be on her own! She really hasn't ever been on her own and that's something she must learn to do.  She was at home until she was 18 or so, then lived with friends, sister, cousin, even her brother for a while. She's never been forced to budget, plan meals, pay all of the bills, or be fully responsible. It's damn time. She knows it, I know it, we all know it, and so the plans are in place. We've made these plans before and then C19 hit. We've made these plans after that and she lost her job or I lost my job due to another issue with C19. It's done, it's over, it's time. I am leaving and I won't look back - - except to visit, play with her cats, and have dinner now and again with the brat. I will likely live across the hall or the breezeway, it's not like she couldn't stalk me. She will stalk me. I know she will.

    The bottom line is, I am about to move and it feels so very wonderful to be able to get out on my own and be on my own. I don't have to call out "I'm going to Home Depot" or "Going to Braum's do you want anything?"  You can't go to Braum's Ice Cream and Dairy Store and not ask that question. You can, but in Oklahoma it's considered a misdemeanor.   I won't have to step over her cats. I won't want have to kick the cat water dish in the hall. I won't step over horse tack. I won't go around closing the cabinets that the cats open. I won't sit on an animal that is hiding in my chair. I won't open the refrigerator door looking for my food only to realize it's been eaten. We have a HUGE rule in our house about that. If you take the last thing you let people know, and you write it on the grocery list. She really can't seem to remember to do this very often. 

    It's happening. Hopefully it's happening in May. I don't want to wait until June, but I do want a downstairs unit and I do want one on this side of the complex, so it may be a minute.  Did I mention her skinks, geckos, snakes and rats? Yeah, I don't have to remember to leave the cats outside the door when I leave; she's just simply going to miss me when I'm gone and I will likely, from time to time, miss her too. That's why God made cell phones and Facetime.

Fat Sammy.

My Journal.

 I don't know when I started writing to myself, but I know I was under the age of 15 because I clearly remember getting my first journal at that age and I began writing to myself more efficiently. Before I owned a journal I would simply write notes to myself and tell myself what I would do, what I have done, what I wanted to do, and so forth If anyone found my letters and read them they would probably just have laughed; I never really cared if anyone ever found my writings. To this day I leave the latest journal(s) out on the table next to the chair I sit in (with the dog) and I couldn't care one bit if they picked up the book and read out loud each and every word I have written - - even the embarrassing words. 

    Why don't I care if my secrets are told? I learned a very very long time ago never to write out anything you couldn't publish in the papers and these days I'd have to amend that medium to say "Never write down anything you couldn't post online".  The way I see it now, as has always been, I think my words are my words. If I said it I must have meant it. If you don't agree with me you can stuff it, and if you don't like what I wrote, you can stuff it twice. I say all sorts of mean, nasty, rude, and even crude things at times. I lay it out there, and I'm not afraid to be bold or blunt! If I don't like what you're doing I'm apt to write about it, and God knows I don't mind handing you my journal with a scone and double-dog dare you to read the words for yourself. 

    Over the years, the many many years, I have written countless numbers of books. To ask me how many books I've written would be an impossible task if one considered each 250-300 page journals I've written. I write one every 2-3 months I suppose.  In the early years I used composition notebooks. In 1997 I had the extreme misfortune to have lost literally 12 full years of my writings when my bastard ex-husband decided to destroy my work; I've never recovered from it, and I won 't fully be able to forgive him really. I have given the matter to God, but I know I hold that scar with an impassioned hatred toward him that only Jesus can remove. Like scar tissue, it has grown over, but it is not gone. 

    Since that time I've written more, so many more, and I don't know exactly how many books I've written. I have over 140 journals. We'll say that. I think the best and easiest thing to say is that anyone who wanted to "get to know me" could pick up a book or two and pretty much realize I'm one of the most boring subjects known to have lived; at least according to the pages before them. I write about feeding the horses, about going on trips, about working, about lying to my kids, and about my prayer life. More recently, the past two years, I've written extensively about a man I've prayed for and how my feelings became way too personal for him. I created fantasy, dreams, would-be's and all sorts of nonsense. Words that never ever should have been written, but then again, I can't pretend I'm not who I am, can I? Just as human as the next woman, I suppose. 

    My journal is perhaps the closest thing to a confession that anyone would ever find. The only thing I don't disclose in the books is where the bodies are buried. Why would I do that? Why would I give away the very secrets that could keep me locked away forever and perhaps jeopardize my chances of ever being allowed a pen in my hand! (I hear they only allow No. 2 pencils without erasers in prison, and God knows, I'll need that damned eraser!)  Ha! There I go--fantasizing again! THERE ARE NO BODIES!  I kill people all the time in my mind, but I don't really do it. I'm a freaking WRITER for goodness sakes. Anyone who knows me knows that, and if you don't know me, you wouldn't know that I can't even watch something bloody online or on film. My kids won't let me watch certain shows due to the fact that they know I'll be up with nightmares! (I've never seen The Passion, but I do love me some Jim Caviezel) 

    This morning when I sat down to pick up that learned and glorious book of mine, I decided to speak to it rather than just write in it. I told it how I deeply appreciated it keeping my secrets and openly forgave it if anyone should coax it into sharing them; no worries. I would sit properly with my tea and let you read the words back to me if you thought you could actually decipher my poor (and increasingly growing worse) handwriting. It has REALLY suffered and I can't explain why. Often times I think about what another graphy (graphologist) would say about my handwriting; I know I think twice at times when I glance back over it. I'm the worst right now. I need to work on that. Maybe I'll make a point to be more...more...diligent. Probably not. I'll likely just keep smushing the words together and dropping the letters as if I am in some sort of hurry when I'm not. 

    No doubt tomorrow's entry will reflect this blog, and maybe what I dream tonight. Sometimes I lie about what I dream just because I can. Other times I write exactly what I dreamed and wonder about what it really means. Mostly however, I just write and I tell myself what I'm going to do, what I have done, what I want to do, and maybe who I would love to roll about the woodlands with - - hint, he's usually Scottish, naked (maybe still clutching his kilt in his hands and untying his black boots). He's bearded, plays guitar, and speaks only Gaelic. I don't really understand much of what he's saying, but then again, I really don't give a damn.  Nope. He's getting a bit more gray in the temples these days, but he's always the same man; my lover.  Journals are really good secret keepers and if my mind's private tales are ever discovered that's OK, too - - they are the things imaginations are meant to know and experience. 

    A good friend told me she would never write anything down because she is fearful that someone who she wrote about would find it, perhaps read it, and know her true feelings. That's exactly why I leave my journals out. A person may not want me saying what I want to say to their face. Perhaps reading it in a book on a table (when they know they really have no business reading it) would be a lighter way to find out the truth. When I am gone my books will remain. My story will be told by my own hand. I can't think of another more genuine way to say "This is me. Love me. I'm the only me I could ever be."  Heaven will be my final destination, and though I don't know if I'll ever pen a word there, I know I'll find a kilt on the ground just outside my doorstep and maybe one or two laces untied of some fairly dirty black boots. Heaven is heaven, after all. 

Photo Credit: Pinterest

Entreated (A Poem)

 Entreated 

  

What colors do I see 

When I think of you? 

Could there be a shade 

Sweet enough to be expressed? 

 

Am I bound by a veil so lovely 

At the very sight of you? 

Are you captured by my  

Heart’s eyes – unimaginable? 

 

What sound is it that I hear 

As your voice dances on air? 

As your presence leans upon 

My soul to rest. 

 

How I am lured by the melody 

By the symphony, by the lyrics 

By the chords played evenly 

By our hands. 

 

What anchors my very being 

To the thought of you each time? 

Each time I am drawn without force 

Held captive by music, by love. 

 

Jude Stringfellow – March 26, 2022 

 

Photo credit: Travel Earth

Well, Apparently, I Suck.

 To be honest, the Series 66 is a really tough test, but that's no excuse as to why I didn't pass it. I didn't completely bomb it either, but I didn't pass it. I missed it by about 5 or 6 questions. I'm not a math wiz, but I can do simple math.  I needed 80 questions out of 110 to get a 73% and I think I got 74 correct.  Now, if I got 74 correct when they were only testing the 100 and not the extra 10 they claim they aren't scoring, then I passed.  I don't think I actually passed. I think I missed a few of the 74 that I think I got right. If I had to lay money on it, that would be a good bet. I only THINK I got 74 correct. It was probably something closer to 68-70.  Oh well, the fact is...I suck!

    I didn't want to fail, and maybe not for the reasons that most people don't want to fail. I didn't want to fail so that I could (a) stay out of the stats of those that don't pass the first time (b) be in the stats of those who pass the first time (c) not waste my $$$ that I've already sunk into this, and finally (d) I really really don't want to have to take the damn thing again, but it looks like I will have to do so.  I didn't need the Series 66 for a job. I will be hired without it.  I didn't need it to trade on the FOREX because I can trade all day and night on it without a license. I am only trading my money, not trading anyone else's money. I don't need the Series 66 to do anything other than have it. It's a step in the direction I am going, and it would have been (will be later) useful.

    As I sat at the desk with the two sheets of laminated paper and dry eraser pens that they give you, I created what I thought would be a useful cheat sheet. You can't take one in with you, but you have all the time you want to draw one up and create it from memory when you get into the testing center. I spent about 10 minutes making one, and really, I seriously thought I was doing the right thing. NOT ONE question on that test required me to look at the cheat sheet. Whatever was on the test was NOT what I thought was going to be tested. I really missed the ball on that one. I mean, striking out is one thing, but throwing the bat over your head and into the stands is what I think I did (by comparison). I sat there staring at the monitor, reading the questions, shaking my head, and saying to myself "Hell, I don't know!" more often than I care to admit. 

    To say that there were questions I had no way of answering is adequate. I would say 10-12 questions were flat out not covered on the study material, and they tell you there will be 10 unscored questions, so OK, that means there were at least a couple that I KNOW were not covered. There were another 20 that were covered, but we were led to believe they really didn't go into it that deeply, but they do. Some of the questions were worded strangely, and you didn't know if they meant to confuse you or if they just like using poor grammar. The answers were always polar opposite at that point and you had a 50% chance of getting it correct. Obviously, I didn't do as well on those odds.

    I'll give you an example of a question I got on the test.  This is one that I know the answer to, but the way the question was worded it could be one or the other.  The question is: Which policy could best utilize a Transfer on Death (TOD) benefit?  (a) Joint Tenacy with Rights of Survivorship  (b) Life Insurance Contracts (c) IRAs or (d) Individual Account.   The answer is (a) if you think it could use it, because it needs one.  The answer is (d) if you think it already has one and therefore utilizes it.  This is the sort of thing that occurred at least 10-15 times and unless you can decipher what they really want, you can't really answer the way you're really supposed to answer.  It was frustrating. I'm sure the monitor captured my cringing facial expressions and maybe even saw me threaten to pound the screen a couple of times.

    The really good news is, I can keep studying. I can read more. I can do the Quizlets online. I can do the flashcards. I can purposely go look up Cash Flow Analysis, Fundamental Analysis, Technical Analysis, Tactical Analysis, and Spread Analysis.  We were told there were only 2 questions about anything related to analysis....not true. There were 6-10 questions relating to it, I just can't remember the details. I just remember thinking there were so many more questions about it than we were told. I would have and should have studied more about that; and didn't. That's ON ME, not them. I can study that more and then take the test again, but you know what I fear? I think they'll give me a test with more questions on something else. It works that way.

    There was one question on ERISA...and I got it right. They told us there would be one. They were right. Oh, and they said there would be a question about UTMA or UGMA, and there was not. I was so ready.  I know the fine differences between a 529 and Coverdell, but that wasn't asked. It's good though, I'm OK. I'll just keep my nose to the grind but this time I'll let my employer pay for the test taking. I've done that twice (because I had to cancel one) and at $177 a pop, I'd rather not do that again. Nope, not if I can help it. I don't need the Series 66, but if a boss wants me to have it, they can pay.

Photo Credit: Red Bubble