CBS - SCREWED the Pooch! (Tillman and Ron)

TILLMAN!!!!


Episode 4 of the Greatest American Dog (Ha!) is in my opinion the LAST episode of the show. You can't expect the audience for next week's show to be kind to you CBS, not after literally throwing out the TALENT and the ONE team that carried the show! Bill and Star are great, but Ron had the remarks that people listened for. Like tonight when he asked Brandy how she even got through the doors of the show, it was priceless. Those remarks are not written for him,his down-to-earth surfer-boy talk is real - that is RON. That's what made the show watchable, and Tillman's good looks, come on!

Tillman is so adorable, so talented, so off the wall GREAT but you didn't even capitalize on his abilities! Why? Hey judges - Teresa used citric acid to make her dog look mean. KICK HER OFF the show for cruelty. Then she lied! Hello - video! Remember when producers asked me to be on the show and I said no? I smelled the controversy. I sensed that you wanted to play it, you wanted to jimmy it. How would they have overlooked Faith's lack of arms if we were expected to swim or shake hands? I can't tell you how happy I am for saying no to money - sure the exposure would have been great, but not at that cost. I won't HURT my dog for it. It never was about the dog now was it? It couldn't have been, otherwise you wouldn't have hired so many TRAINERS.

Another thing. Who paid these judges to open their mouths tonight? They were so inconsistent, so very broad, completely off the topic usually - and given their mightier-than-thou attitudes I won't be surprised to see the record of all records broken this week - millions and millions of would be viewers (Yes, including me) STOP watching. The ONLY thing good about Tillman and Ron going home tonight is that I have that one hour in my life back to trim my nails, wash my hair, pick the neighbor's dog's poop up before I go to bed - - without Tillman and Ron on the show there is no show. CBS, are you listening? Because you don't listen to the viewers, so why should we watch your show? Oh, I remember, Criminal Minds came on after the Greatest American Dog did tonight. That's why people tuned into the last 3 minutes of the show to see the executives of CBS shoot themselves in the foot! Did it hurt? It will next week when Neilsons come out - do yourselves a favor - apologize to us and put Tillman on a regular weekly show so we can see his precious mug over and over again...call the show Surfer Dude and have Ron and Tillman running a skateboarding shop on Venice Beach. It may not be Baywatch, but I'm sure we can convince Tillman to jog in slow motion and let his jowls flop around.

Sorry Ron, sorry Tillman baby...I just had to rant. You guys rock and they know it by now I'm sure. Faith said to tell you guys hi, and we'll be out in L.A. soon enough. We'll stop by and get the mutts together I'm sure. Kiss kiss to Erika and Reef. You got some great guys, I'm sure you're glad they're safe and happy. Feed them well. (Hey Mikey, you thinkin' reality show? I am! Have your people call my people - wait, you are my people! Call me.) LOL

ROCK BAND - ROCK STAR! (Laura)

OK, so I own the rights to LAURA, but Rock Band isn't my logo....or my kid.

Laura has been so cute lately. She's a singer and a songwriter, but she's just now getting really excited about it and showing off in front of strangers that may or may not have any idea that she's been singing for a few years OUT THERE in the big, fat, scary world. She's been to places like Los Angeles, NYC, Chicago, and even Dallas and Seattle singing at military bases. She toured with a rock band festival last year but they were metal and she only performed as a side show artist at the set ups. She had fun though. NOW, the crazy woman is out in the supermarket where she works singing and rocking out to people who come through her line if they're not the uptight stuffy types. If she thinks they'll nark on her, or try to get her in trouble with the boss - who by now realizes she's a temporary employee - then she's apt to sing right at the customer when she takes their money! Usually something from Kelly Clarkson, but she and singer/songwriter buddy Wally Cox have a few new things to add to the CDs she's creating.

Like Clint Eastwood making two films from opposing sides of the war, Laura is creating a Japanese CD and an English CD with some of the same cover songs being sung in both languages...isn't that cool. You can actually hear the girl sing at: www.showcaseyourmusic.com/Laura and hear for yourself, but it wasn't produced professionally - so don't think it's CD quality. (The video, not the songs recorded under the word SONGS - they were recorded professionally. Laura was just screwing around on the video) People like her! She's likable and she's cute too - if I don't say so myself, I mean yeah, I'm biased, but she's really cute. Talent must run in the family - her brother writes, her sister writes and sing - I write...to be honest with you I think Laura is the better singer of any of us - better than me anyway, and God knows she's better than Reuben! I love you son, but you did NOT inherit your father's vocal skills. Reuben's dad actually sang professionally for a while - you'd think he'd have passed a little of that down the pike - but no, the boy sucks. At least he DOES sing though. He's out there.

Laura's agent Mike Maguire is working on her appearances including her singing at several baseball and basketball games this year - not award winning, but you can't beat having 35,000 people listening to you at one time. (18,000 at a basketball game I guess) If they let her she'll do a half-time show or the equivalent to it, can you tell I don't do other sports, I'm calling it a half-time show! Damn, I have football on the brain. 34 more days to kick off! OU baby!

So, Laura just talked me into getting her the Rock Band for the XBox 360, but we didn't have the Xbox either - so I bought that too. I'm one of those sucker parents that really loves hearing my kid sing, so anything to help right - I just bought the machine, got the software, got the microphone and now all I need is the brat - I need the kid! She's about 70 miles away, and I have to wait! I hate waiting! I don't want to wait - so, I called her up, forced her to sing to me on the phone while she's working and people in line jammed right along with us. The manager thought about getting onto her, but my darling turned to him and said "You don't want my mom coming in here and bopping you on the head do you?" (We went to middle school together, and I wasn't very nice to him then, I'm better now.) He let her sing....thanks Matt! I mean, Mr. Bridges!

Have fun at the store singing and dancing little one..I'll go alert the media and get the press releases in order.

The Gray Man!

Formerly known as "Wisteria"

This film may have been released as a DVD or in theatres in 2007, but it was filmed almost entirely in June 2005! My son Reuben is in this movie and I want to see it. It was so funny too, the way he was hired for it. Reuben attended Putnam City High School in Oklahoma City through the Putnam City School District. He was a senior in 2005 and during the month of March, just 8 weeks before he was to graduate, we found out that his counselor had screwed up his credits - - not Reuben, a kid can't do that despite what appears on paper - the counselor has to approve everything a kid picks and chooses. Of course a kid is going to seek the easy route, of course a kid is going to try to get out of the things he or she has to take to graduate if he or she can be an office aide every semester! The office absolutely loved it when Reuben was there - the boy was MADE to run errands. He'd make it a game and time himself as he would blast down the halls literally ramming into people he liked, tackling friends in the name of having-to-get-there! The boy was exciting to say the least. HOWEVER, you can't be an office aide every semester and get credit! That's something his counselor should have put a stop to. So, he didn't qualify to actually graduate in 2005....this was an absolute disaster!

I had already opened my home school for the girls, and they were under a strict curriculum, but I decided to add Reuben as a student for the 1.5 credits he was missing. If I could get him those credits before June 30, 2005, I could see him graduate and he would have a real diploma issued by the home school yes, but it would be official, signed by his principal, me and an officer of the district itself. What to do? OK...I gave the boy an 8-week crash course in POETRY....yes, you heard me, POETRY for 1 full credit. He had to read it, analyze it, write it, research it, and read it out loud to an audience. It wasn't as difficult for him as I first thought, and as a reward for the boy I actually published 4 of his poems in a book I wrote called "Periwinkle" so now he's even a published poet. For a half credit course I thought about Drama since he had failed it in his freshmen year. Same trappings - I would have him read about it, write about it, and maybe put on a little play for me - but then I found out that they were filming WISTERIA, a feature film just 30 miles from where we live. I took him there to WATCH them film - no idea they'd hired him on the spot.

We were watching, just watching, when someone suggested that he fill out the necessary forms and take a head shot just in case the director needed a big country boy for the background. All of the extras in the film were from Oklahoma - it was perfect. Well, they did hire him that day, but not for the role of a town dweller or country boy - he is the "young cop" under credits. He's the taller one, the thicker one, the one tackling the bad guy. He's in about 9 scenes I think, I haven't seen the finished product but we were filming every day for 2 weeks and he used in all of the street scenes as well as the court house scenes. The one I really want to see, but it was edited, was where the director tells Reuben to chase the bad guy (stunt man) and he used the quote "tackle his ass"....OH MY GOSH, did he really say that to a 6A state qualifying high school Defensive End? FLASH! BAM! DOWN!

"OK", said the director, "that was...that was....good. This time, let's give the guy a little more room to try and I don't know...run. Could you be a little less aggressive, and maybe not smile so much? You're a cop, he's a bad guy." What can I say, the boy was thinking football. It was hilarious! I couldn't stop laughing, and there's no way I could have approached the director in time to correct his error, he was too far away. I could hear him through a box, but I couldn't even have waved him down - the boy was GONE the second the stunt man broke out of the barn! It took 4 or 5 takes and the stunt man was laughing his butt off with each new and developed try - I just wonder which take they used...and if the boy is smiling or if they finally convinced him that he was a cop rather than a lineman.

So, there he was in the country tackling the man, on the streets holding people back from the court house, in the court house as a guard and opening doors. That much I know. At the time he was filmed Reuben's hair was all the way to his shoulders and the hair/makeup artist was so sure he wouldn't want her to cut off his golden red locks to make him look like the 1929-1935 era New York City beat cop that he was portraying - but he was all over it. "Damn, I just saved myself $15!" was his answer. He didn't have to go get his hair cut! The fact that the role of an extra in this particular film didn't pay a single penny meant NOTHING to Reuben. He was having the time of his life. You should have seen his face when I mentioned that he actually got to eat for free as well - it was catered by the company....WHAT? Oh, that was all she-wrote! "Hell Yeah!" was all I heard for weeks...free food, chasing people, tackling them in cornfields, beating people up on the streets and driving old Model-T cars? Could it be this much fun and still be legal? You just had to be there.

We were there in the 90 degree weather filming 12-15 hour days. Reuben wore a wool suit the entire time - I know because I was his personal assistant! Can you imagine what that pays if the extra isn't paid anything? He did however, have the best (bar none) personal assistant on the set. Even the stars complained about it. "I wish my mother was here to bring me drinks and wipe my sweat" was a great quote from my good buddy Vyto Ruginis (Star Wars and many drams as well as commercials. Google Vyto!) Yes doesn't everyone wish their personal assistant would run up to them between takes and wipe their sweat, feed them granola bars, give them drinks, and ask them if they need a pee-break? I even straightened his clothes, tied his shoes, and brought him back to the 1930's by removing his wrist watch and telling the director so he could edit accordingly...I'm nice like that.

I want to see this film now. I could care less about the terrible twisted man that it features - gross and disgusting man this Albert Fish. He's literally one of the worst people I have ever read about - not joking. I may only watch it for Vyto's parts and of course the "Young Cop". I swear if they didn't give him credit I'll be all over them....hahaha..not really, but a P.A. has to have their client's back right? Should I get my boy an agent? Suffice it to say, he earned the half credit baking in the sun for weeks filming the movie. I just can't wait to see it!!

Smile - Army Smile

It took a great deal of work to get that one-of-a-kind shot of my son NOT smiling.

When I first heard the news that I was going to have a baby I already knew it was going to be a boy. In fact, I had already been told by a real live gypsy years before exactly what kind of boy I was holding in my belly. My family has a history of psychic behavior, much to the chagrin of so many of the overtly religious (I didn't say Christian purposely, because we are all or most of us Christians, but there are some who take the religion part of faith a bit too far) family members - we do have a cousin on my mother's side that makes a living telling fortunes and spinning tales. I wasn't sure I believed a single word she said to me growing up, but she was older and therefore cool - she wore beads and braided hair, she was a true true hippy to say the least, bare feet and all. I loved the girl - but when she told me I would be having a child both out of wedlock and that he would have the spirit of Cowboy-Outlaw Cole Younger - - I was a apprehensive to go to the next family reunion.

Enita was right though - and the proof is in the life of the boy you see in this blog. My baby boy is one of the most daring this-side-of-the-law men you'll ever see. I'm actually quite surprised most of the time that he hasn't been caught skating that thin (ice thin) line of his. He has actually been caught driving a bit wildly, $1508 in speeding tickets alone had to be repaid before he could go to the Army. I know because I had to both pay them and hide him for four days while the warrants went away - can someone please explain a few things to this young man? Cole Younger was the good guy of the bad guys, and he was the one that tried to talk the others out of robbing the banks. He didn't really participate "all that much" and therefore he was given a bit of leniency when it came to sentencing - he got out of prison alive, set off for the new world out West making films, and to this day there hasn't been a cowboy-outlaw type that doesn't use his free form dare-devil racing or riding style - he was a character, all reins free, let the hoss run kind of rider...and yes, my son drives his Stryker tank-types just the same way. He's always out there making trouble, but not all of it on his own, and he does actually try to talk the boys out of most of the really bad stuff. He's the one hanging around the gang at the bar to be the extra set of hands if they're needed - sort of the Buddy-gots-your-back bar-room brawler, not the cocky mouthed one starting the mess. My boy just ends up finishing things...and smiling about it. I get the call and can't understand a single word between the hoots, the breathing, the screaming, and the laughing - - someone got their butt kicked.

Well, that brings us to the picture. It was the first time I had EVER seen my son not smiling in a picture. EVER. How did they accomplish this feat? I know it's the Army, did they threaten him? No, Reuben said after a dozen or so times of trying not to smile, and not quite getting it done - one of the assistants said to him sort of off-the-cuff "Hey, didn't you say you were from Oklahoma?" This was during football season too. In Oklahoma we have 3 seasons a year: Winter, Summer, and Football. The guy tapped the photographer as if to prime him to get ready for the shot.

"Yes, I'm from Oklahoma why?" said Reuben with an interesting quizzical face.

"I just read where your quarterback Sam Bradford came out of the closet. He's gay!"

SNAP! GOT IT! That's the worst thing I'll ever write in one of my blogs, but it was hilarious! Sam is no more gay than Reuben is - but the jolt of the words sent the rage of kinship (they played against each other for years in high school) through my son, and he wanted to shoot someone - but the bottom line is, they got the shot off. I think the guy laughed it off and apologized, but Reuben just shook his head and took his hat off swearing to himself. Sorry Sam, baby we love you and we hope you'll appreciate the boy standing up for you sir...just ignore the bullet holes he shot through the man with his eyes - it was a moment!

Smile - Army Smile. There is a difference. Spirit is EVERYTHING! (one very interesting side note: Cole Younger died late in the night of March 21, 1916. It could very well have been past midnight making it March 22. My son was born March 22, 1986)

Blitz / Rupert LOVE at First Kiss

I'm going to call him Blitz, Caity is going to call him Rupert. Either way - he's the kissing bandit everyone loves.

It wouldn't be fair or right to say that I went out and bought Caity a new puppy to replace her dog Cookie who was murdered last month. You can't replace a soul, you can't replace love. But, I think it would be quite fair to say that I went out and bought Caity a little puppy to ease her pain, to mend her heart, and to help her heal inside and out - - just what the mommy ordered. But, there is a problem. I fell in love immediately, and now I don't know if I can actually give Blitz to Caity if and when she moves out again. This could be a problem.

You see Caity went to San Antonio, TX to be with the whales and dolphins for her 18th birthday and I was thinking of the best way to surprise her when she came home. She kinda sort somewhat thought I might be going out and getting her a puppy, and she'd be sorta somewhat kinda even maybe right, but now I'm hating the fact that I'm feeling like a schmuck because I just don't know if I can surrender this guy when she leaves my house. If I thought about it I'd say I'd much rather have the dog stay for the next 16 years than to have Caity tag along another 6 months. She is the worst roommate in the world - - and the thing is, I'm not really into roommates. I prefer living alone - or well you know, there's that fantasy guy that lives with me, but even he picks up his towels and puts the flushes the toilet. She's disgusting!

Anyway - I went through the ads. Worst thing you can do when you have the money in your pocket, the gas in the car and the time on your hands. Don't go through the papers....you'll find one. You'll find 10. You'll go to one and buy them all. You'll bring home a dozen puppies - I know you, well in this case "I know me". I'm laughing because I texted Caity and told her I had a present for her, but that I wasn't sure she could have it - she said "I bet it barks" and I wrote back "only every once in a while, right now he's snoring." Can you imagine? Snoring little Dachshund breath on my leg while I type this very blog. Oh. I'm smitten.

I decided to call him Blitz - that is exactly what he did to my heart. I could have called him Colossal Heart Wrencher but that's a bit much for such a cute dog. Caity wanted a girl. She wanted a black and tan dapple or piebald Dachshund and me being me, I don't really have that color thing worked out in my head when I go look at little faces. I go for the eyes - what are the eyes saying to me? This guy was not the least bit shy about coming to me, he was all over me in a matter of seconds beating the others out of the way - running straight to me and saying in that little puppy way "Hey, there you are. I've been waiting an hour and a half since you called! What took you so long?" That's a good story actually?

I went to Borders Bookstore last night and bought a few things for Caity, but then thought better of it and decided to return the items and use the money to pay for Blitz (who Caity is calling Rupert, I don't know why). I approached the counter, told the clerk what I wanted, but found out that the items I had purchased had been either miscategorized, or the guy that was my cashier last night didn't register it properly - they wanted to give me a gift card. I don't think so! I paid cash I wanted my cash back - show me a breeder that takes Borders gift cards! It took a good half hour and the whole time I'm driving to the place way out in the country in my head - I'm maneuvering through cornfields, passing cattle, counting painted horses trying to get to my little dog faster. It finally happened.

Just south of Boomer Sooner land - Norman, is a town called Purcell, and that's where the baby was. Oh, and here's the really good news. Alice, the lady that breeds the puppies has a few females that will all be spayed this year. She has one more litter coming out of one of the piebald twin dapple black and tan girls she owns and in about 5 more weeks my daughter can start thinking of new names for her new dog, because 6 weeks after that I'm running away with Blitz and she won't be able to find me!! I'll leave a check on the table for Alice, give Caity directions on how to find the breeder and be gone - gone- far away with my new baby puppy. I can't say I'm a bad person for thinking what I'm thinking...I'm "lending" her my dog for a while - sort of a - therapy until she gets her own dog...and her own place.

That would be nice. Wait, I feel a real fantasy coming on...Caity out of my house. That was a good one. That will last me a good week...I'm happy now.

Those Stretchy Tube Things

Call me crazy!  I like the torture. 


I bought the one in the middle. My thought on that is, I don't want the easy one - I'll do it a few times and give it away. I don't want the hard one, I won't be able to do it and I'll give it away. Something tells me that I'm the Momma Bear in this Goldie Locks story of exercising, and I want the one in the middle! I want the one that will pull a little, hurt a little, be a little bit of a challenge, and then when I've mastered it I can keep it around for a while and just use it while I stand around watching NCIS. I don't sit when I watch that show anymore unless I'm sitting on the Reebox silver stud of a horse/ball that I find myself riding. My God my thighs love Jethro Gibbs! I can be riding along with my eyes on Abby from the lab, and heck, not much happens - a little ride, a little squeeze to keep my balance. But when Gibbs shows up....giddy up! LOL...I'm only saying that to make my friends laugh. Gibbs needs a beard.

The pulling, stretchy tube thing is cool. I think they have a real name, something really close to resistance tube or elastic restrictive bands. I don't know. I just call them the things that don't work well as a jump rope because the handles are too broad and they slide around on you. You have to stand on the bands to get the resistance you need, and you spread your legs to spread your feet, and you pull up on the bands using the handles and you concentrate really really hard on not popping yourself in the face with one side or the other. If you do what I do, and keep a big jug of water just on the other side of the stretch you can find the true mark of the word resistance. 30 minutes of working out to give the dogs just enough time to jump from their roost on the couch to either knock the water over or come get underneath you for a scratch -- or both.

Since NCIS doesn't come on every night you may have to improvise. I have the DVD set for all seasons, I know exactly what Tony DiNozzo will say to make me laugh - love that man's voice, sends me to the sky every time.  OOOHHHH, yes, kickboxing. I need to start that too. I found that standing in one place (a small apartment) can be beneficial for a few reasons. The dogs now realize that there's a Do Not Cross zone in the living room and Matrix will enter the room, jump onto the couch, and make his way through the room without touching the floor. Faith can't do that. She stands at the entry and just sort of waits on me to get finished kicking....pulling...stretching...riding. If I happen to be on my back she gives me a welcoming lick to the eyeball and I have no other alternative than to let her pass. Who can say no to a two-legged dog that really can't fight her way past you to get to the bowl?

I've decided to join the gym again for a couple of months to kick the heck out of BOB the standing guy that doesn't mind if you hurt him really badly. He loves it. He's basically there for my pleasure - sometimes I imagine the face of the Sgt. Major that took my son into the Army and I just let him have it! Just kidding - I think of Santa Claus for not bringing me the fire truck I asked for when I was 4.
Oh, she went there! She went there. 

That 70's Show - Is so "EVEN"

Picture of Ashton being Michael Kelso, I didn't take the picture.

When I watch that 70's Show I can't help but laugh or maybe the proper "OLD" word is chuckle, because they've completely researched some of the really minute details to the point that Kelso can come running up through someones garage and say something so random, but it hits home immediately. If you're young and you don't get it, but your parents are rolling over laughing, the writers have hit their mark - AGAIN.

Kelso comes running through Eric's garage almost late for an event, but he makes his excuse freely (paraphrased, I wasn't listening that closely to be able to say it verbatim) "I would have been here sooner but I was cutting through the Davis' yard when..." and he goes on about what new electrical appliance they had or something. I don't know, but to say "I was cutting through so-and-so's yard". WE DID THAT. We so did that. I'd walk across the street, but then cut through the Willis' yard by opening their gate latch, closing it of course as to not let the dogs out, then I'd cross their back yard - sometimes even look into their back sliding glass door to see if they were cooking, eating, on the phone, in the living room, or not - and I'd jump their back fence (6') in order to make it to 7-11 without having to walk around the blocks to get there. To get to school I could walk the 8 blocks properly, or just jump my own fence, cross over the Hambrick's fence, their yard, go through the circle, and find the latch on the Shuck's fence, open it, go through their yard, jump over whoever lived on the other side of them, I never even asked...open their latch and cross the street. There you have it - Apollo Elementary!

My sister just bought a new house in a city that has a lot of backyards abutting one another. When she heard someone in her yard this past weekend it scared her to death. Someone had used the support beams on the other side of her fence to cross into her yard, and they went through without a hitch, opening her gate, and exiting. She immediately went to the pound and got a German Shepherd, then to Target and bought a lock for the gate. Subsequently, on a cute little side note: Andie never jumped the neighbor's fences, and I have no idea why. We were all raised in the same house. Another cute side note: Andie thought her new dog was lonely and got him a playmate today. Now she has two German Shepherds. I think that's funny.

Kelso isn't my favorite character on That 70's Show. I like Hyde. I think I would love to have been given the chance to go back to the 70's and I'd so totally rock Hyde's world - I would. He's awesome. He's the type of guy I always stayed clear of when I was growing up, I would have been right around their age I think, maybe 2 years younger, I don't know, but I was always on the goody-goody side of things - but knowing what I know now - - yeah, he and I would have been in that basement. I'd turn the washing machine and the dryer on at the same time to drown out any noise that he might be making - - I'm serious, he's a hottie. If he had been in a kilt he wouldn't be for long!  I always seemed to think boys with longer curly freak hair were cute back in the day. Today I like bearded men. Why was I so wrapped up with JOCKS back then - where is that time machine? I have a few more things to jump than just the neighbor's chain links.  (Did I say that out loud?) 

Fire's Breath

(Feeling a bit poetic today - this one was written a few years back)

Fire's Breath

I arch my body toward the stars
To feel your hand in touch
To whisper words you cannot hear
But words transformed in love

I reach to hold your firm strong arms
To press you even closer
To hold you fast within my loin
I celebrate my lover

Tonight resounds within my mind
A vision - impressions
Tomorrow's love, soon foretold
With sweet anticipation

Keep me sheltered in your soul
Your thoughts dear - caress
Strength to carry through the day
I wait for you - your presents

It won't be long until we love
Until we kiss impassioned
Fire's breath shines through your eyes
Revealing love - unquestioned

Dream: They Took the Children

Very interesting and strange dream last night. I couldn't get past part of it, most of it played out like a movie as they usually do when I'm dreaming. I don't always have a clean start, sometimes having to guide the dream from when I realize I'm dreaming. Last night was fun, but a bit off center.

Laura called me to let me know that she had been taken. She was younger than her 19 years, maybe 10 or 11. She was being held by a woman who owned "The Beauty Shop" and she gave me the address of 917 Memphis - I'll have to go look that one up. Naturally I went to this place, but not before using the attic as my doorway to get to my own apartment (don't ask) and I found my baby Caity there sleeping. I took her with me to go retrieve her sister. Laura's concern was that I would have to get several facials before they would let her go live with me again. It was sort of a payment plan I guess. Seems there was this woman, and in Laura's case it was the actual owner of the Beauty Shop that had masterminded the scheme for every child that was taken. Laura just happened to be taken by the mastermind. I wasn't quite sure how I was going to handle it, but I went to the shop with both emotional barrels loaded.

When I arrived at the shop to demand my daughter's return a very nicely dressed man took me to the house of the lady who held my daughter Laura captive. Naturally Laura was in bed - she sleeps all day in the real world as well. She sleeps until at least 2:00 p.m. and I wondered if the woman would find this upsetting. She could try as I did for years to get the dead-head up, and then she would be (as I was) subjected to bitching, complaining, moping, moaning, irritated conversation, and even physical acts of throwing things at me - or, were she indeed an intelligent woman who could be capable of masterminding these sorts of plots, let the kid sleep.

Laura's undoing, or the reason the woman surrendered her to me, was not that she slept all the time, it was that she put ROYAL TARTAN sheets and comforters on the bed. The woman was French. Laura's rudeness (for displaying her Celticness) in the face of knowing she was being held was too much for the woman and she allowed a DNA test to prove she was mine before giving her back - but even that was a bit of an elaborate ordeal. The man giving the test was testing two very simple pieces of clothing, but neither of them were Laura's they were Caity's. He was testing Caity's DNA and finding what we all knew he would find, that the subject of his tests was related to, but not the actual girl before him. HELLO..this is Caity! This girl over here, is Laura, and we told you that. He didn't mind. He let her make the decision as to whether she wanted to go home with me or live in the mansion of the woman who owned the Beauty Shop at 917 Memphis. Laura said she would go home with me...you got it...after she woke up.

That was SO Laura. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and Caity asked me if we could go to Subway for lunch. I have no idea what happened to the other kids in town. I just knew my kid would be calling me in a few hours to pick her up and feed her. Oh, and then there was this golf ball that had been broken and sand poured out of it - no idea. Golf was invited in Scotland though.  There are beaches there. Maybe...maybe.

Greatest American Dog - Take Too Far

This blog won't be that long. (hahaha) I wasn't impressed with the show the first week, but promised myself that I would "be there" for Ron and Tillman. Now, as it turns out, I'm being there for Bill and Star as well, seeing how my ex-agent (Hi Mike) now my Advisor Mike is Tillman's agent as well as Star's! I'm telling you, this guy is a no mutt! He's one of those big yellow dogs that lays out on the porch and over by the fire...he knows where the bread and butter are. You think they're just laying there with their eyes closed, tail flipping the flies off right - well, he's listening, he's smelling, he's thinking, he's ready to pounce! Just kidding, I love Mike.

This week on The Greatest American Dog I found myself actually standing up for Beth Joy, who I've been rather critical of personally. I've never really had that much in the way of understanding for people who get their animal's likeness tattooed on their bodies. It's just me, I know - I have 2 tattoos, but I'm just not going to put Faith's face on my leg. First of all, if I did people who know me would say "WHAT? Where's Rover? Where's Christmas!" Yeah...believe it or not, before there was Faith, there were two really, really, really super dogs in my life, and one lives with me right now right along with Faith. I'd look rather silly with 4 dogs' faces on my legs and arms...all mutts...every one of them...perfect pups in their own right. I was saying, I was very proud of Beth Joy for standing up to Wendy. I love Wendy..she's adorable, love her to death, but she overstepped her boundary and thank you Beth Joy! You did the right thing, you were told to take the dog to the new restaurant Bone Appetite...boring and very unoriginal name mind you, but CBS is not known for missing a cute little jab when they can. They're as bad as I am with puns, and I hate that about me, I really do. Thank you Beth Joy for saying it out loud and proud...and I could tell she was scared they were going to kick her off for it too, and Kenji's owner was hoping they would - wasn't she the worst? For those of you who didn't see her abusing her dog over and over (verbally and physically) I wondered why they didn't just ask her to leave during the filming - you know, take your young, foolish smiling self and get off the premises...oh, and leave the dog, you have no business owning one you can't control or one you have to mistreat to just so you can be on television a little longer.

I know, I am really being cynical, but I hate this show! I'd say I won't watch it again, but I have to until Tillman loses - but that's just it, I really hope he doesn't lose. I want to call Ron and ask "Hey Dude, do I really have to watch next week? Tell me, do you lose? I don't want to watch that crap another day." But I know the 2-inch contract he signed prohibits him from spilling it - he can't even hint, and if you know anything about Ron from what you see on TV...he's too cool to say anything. He's too good - I would have been more like Beth Joy "and..and..and..you want something else? Do ya? Do ya? Because I'm not finished here! No, I'm not, don't offer my dog food and expect her not to eat it. You act like I trained her or something! Damn, this wasn't suppose to be the Greatest Trained American Dog was it? You invited us to dinner! You didn't feed me! You didn't feed her! ANDDDDDD, no, I can't shake my dog's right paw you morons! She doesn't have a right paw. She doesn't have a left one either!" Probably a good thing Faith and I are just sitting on the couch with Matrix, my perfect perfect dog. I tell him he's perfect because I take Faith all over the world, and he only gets to chase the geese in the backyard.

OK, this week's challenge was a bit more interesting with the BIG HUGE exception of the hand-shaking expectation. Faith would have just stared at me....big puppy eyes maybe even apologizing for not having the arms to shake me with....poor dog. She would have maybe licked me; and that would have been enough. She has the sweetest heart. She would never have complained - - Hahahaa, you don't know my dog! She can't stop complaining when people don't wait on her hand and back paw. She whines like a baby, throws little fits, and even walks off...just walks off. I can see her in that little box and I'm leaning over saying "Yeah, this is stupid I know, but could you please sort of pretend to be a...a...dog?" Her response would have been "No, and I'm going home now, where's Mike?" (Look at her on the curb with Mike at the top of this blog. She CAN if she WANTS to jump off the curb, but why SHOULD she when she KNOWS Mike will carry her? Where's Mike? I'm soooo out of here....Mike! Mike!

Again, this was a repeat of last week's show - - Ron carries the show! Bill and Star didn't need to go through what they went through. If you want to really hear an opinionated rant I'll tell you - I'm not beyond thinking that this was a ratings issue. I said it last week, and I say it again - it's a really really good thing I said no, and I'll continue to say no if you're out to use my dogps pain for ratings. I suppose there has to be a first "accident"? Elvis nipping at Tillman - I get that, Elvis is a Jack Russell. But it's just too convenient that Bill was outside at 5:45 a.m. when she was hurt, and they got it on tape. They didn't, I'm sure they had to add to it, edit it, make it up, whatever. It just rankles me to think that they'd stage that after the fact for ratings!

So, that's me - drinking wine, eating cheese and olives screaming at Elana..shaking my head and saying to Matrix that CSI will be on soon, I promise, we just have to get through this again...and again...damn. Mike and I talked, and he asked me if I thought next week's audience would be lower than this weeks? God, I hope so. I hope I'm the last person watching and again, I'm only watching until the T-Ron loses. (torn, I know)