National Enquirer Called Me Again

Hello....may I help you? I was minding my own business when a freelance writer for the National Enquirer called me yesterday evening to ask me a few things about the situation brewing with Faith and the so-far unnamed famous actor that we will be working with in order to restore order. Since the magazine has successfully found a business associate of mine who will tell names, and answer some of the questions surrounding the situation, I thought it best to go ahead and do my best, in my blog, to say the things I would like to say, just in case it gets a little fuzzy in the magazine. Since it's no longer a secret, and it will be out there, there are a few things that need to be straight from me. I'll do the best I can.

Here goes: I have hired Debra Opri to settle a matter between myself and Mr. Vince Vaughn, as Vince is the one I feel (and I believe Opri feels) is ultimately responsible for any damages that could have been caused when one of his employed comedians, Sebastian Mansicalco made some very inappropriate and even illegal (opinion) statements about my dog. Vince is a wonderful man, a great actor, and an advocate for the Armed Forces. It wasn't because of his acting career, his fame, or his fortune that I choose NOT to say who he was - it was his involvement with our troops. I am a troop-lover, a troop-mother, and I refuse to degrade, harm, or interfere with the way things are handled in the military. I simply won't get in their way. If I thought that asking Opri to sue Vince would be harmful to the military, I wouldn't do it. It is NOT in any way connected to the military, unless you consider that what Sebastian did could have a definite NEGATIVE affect on what we do for and with the military. THAT point must be made clear.

Because my dog was commissioned as a SGT in the Army, because Vince goes on USO tours, because I believe him to be a dedicated and true supporter of the troops, I was holding his name and therefore his involvement closer to the chest. Now, because the National Enquirer is asking business associates what happened, I feel it is actually better for me to explain it than to rely on the hearsay or secondhand stories that could be heard. The one man (a good man) that I know will be interviewed was with Faith and I in Chicago last month when a CBS television producer or director approached us and specifically asked how the "Vince Vaughn" thing was coming, if it had any impact on the "series" I was suppose to be in, and if there was anything he could do to help.

Well, that was a surprise to me! I knew Vince's involvement, and I had hired an attorney to handle it. I didn't know, and still don't have all the names I need, that we were definitely given a series part, or a movie part, as others have suggested. It has been tossed around, but this guy made it more evident that he was at one of the shows Maniscalco performed. He was in touch with Vaughn, or made it seem as if he was, because he knew what was going on with us. He also knew that I had hired a high profile attorney. Now, how did he know this? I don't know, but the point is, I wanted to keep it under wraps as long as possible since Vince's movie Fred Claus was coming out and I didn't want that to be soured in any way. Looks fun, looks like one of those movies where he is first the bad guy, the irresponsible guy, then makes up, or changes the perspective a bit to save the day. (Wait, that's sort of like what happened with us. He could be considered irresponsible for allowing the bit to be played not only on YouTube, but in a movie that was sold to a Canadian based studio, and then realized that it wasn't the best thing to do when I found out about it, and he got his money back, and decided to do the right thing. Except now we're being told that he may try to sell it to another buyer for more....where's the part where he turns good in the end?)

I want the whole thing to end well. I want it to be played out well enough that Vince is the good guy, that Faith is portrayed as she should be; gentle, loving, kind, and courageous. I want her to be in series, commercials, movies, wherever she is suppose to be without anyone stepping on her plans by making inappropriate statements of defamation. I want this to be a good story, not a gossip story. There is a way - - and that is for the truth to be told. Maybe it's a good thing that the National Enquirer asked me to tell my side. I refused because I'm with Opri, and I didn't want her to think I was being a publicity hound (no pun intended on the hound statement). I want the facts to be facts, my yes to be yes, my no to be no, and for the proper decisions to be made.

Were we hurt financially? Without a doubt. How badly? We'll never know. What to do? Let Opri handle that part of it. I would like the apology, yes, but more importantly, I want the standing. Faith is a U.S. Army (honorary) SGT and she is as proud of that as I am for her. We are 100% behind our troops, and we won't let anyone or anything degrade that fact. Lawyers are awesome! I love mine. Just found out she's from NY originally. That accent of hers came out this morning before she had her first cup of coffee! Hahahaha...

We'll take care of this! God is awesome. Vince, I love you man! I truly do. Do the right thing by Faith; she would accept you and Sebastian no matter what, do the right thing. (I love saying this..."Have your people call my people". It's so cliche, but fun. They're actually not even my people, they're Faith's.)

CBS, Animal Planet, They All Want My Dog!

Here's how today went: I got up on time, did the exercises, took the shower, got to work on time. Then I realized that my phone was at home, probably on the kitchen cabinet next to the B-12 I was trying to force open when the bottle opened and little pills flew everywhere. So, I reversed the car, turned it around, got back on the highway and tooled it on home to pick up the phone. Just before I reached the actual highway I noticed I was out of gas...good thing to note before you get on the freeway right? So, I pull into the nearest Shell, pick up a couple or three Powerball tickets (God, if I win this is truly going to be a better story to blog about tomorrow) and I got the gas.

After arriving home I found two men in my kitchen pulling my oven away from the wall - and yes, they were eating the cookies I had made for them the night before. You see, my oven went out on me and the maintenance men at my apartment complex are the best! They replaced the old oven with a brand new one, but it didn't heat either! They decided to test it again and again by having me bake them some cookies to see exactly how long that would take! What should have been 15 minutes at 375 degrees took 1 hour at 200 or less....that's why they were in the kitchen this morning. I literally came around the living room corner when a big man's arm reached up from NO WHERE and handed me my cell - "You forgot this!" He said. I thanked him and just as I did, the phone rang. It was my agent.

Mike Maguire calls me a lot these days to say this company, that company, this group, or that group is wanting to film my dog for the holidays. I understand that, and I love that! It was just a great timing thing that I happened to walk through the door at that minute and catch this particular call because it was CBS! I love CBS...they're the ones who bring me CSI, CSI-Miami, CSI-NYC, NCIS....Cold Case, Without a Trace - is it just me? Am I really that starved for forensic/sick/twisted drama? Probably. They also have Animal Planet! It was the call we knew would eventually come...Animal Planet wants me to film my dog for their End of the Year show, the best of the best pets, and you know...that means Faith! She's awesome!!!

Faith has been nominated so very often for shows like this because she just gives and gives. She's always happy, always up, always wagging her tail and her tongue and just wanting to be a part of everyone's holiday and every day life! She's such a pretty little girl too, and she's got something about her that makes people want to reach out and hug her. In fact, a great many people do exactly that. We don't mind. She doesn't always cotton up to men, but she's getting better...the maintenance men are her best friends now, they throw her milk bones from under the sink now, and they reach in my refrigerator and find her cheese too. You'd have to see these two, they could take it on the road - - great timing!

So, I rushed back to work, made calls, got the mail out, did the work-thing for a couple of hours and then rushed back home. I needed a new battery charger for my SONY Handicam 8mm, and that wasn't easy to find - but it was found. I am currently charging the little battery, and in no time I'll be outside taking shots of the mutt running up and down the lawn and along the pond where she is seen on a daily basis chasing geese, ducks, we even had an otter that she lives to play with. He/She isn't quite sure what to think of Faith nosing around the den, but Faith loves to look! Soon you'll see the special, probably at the end of the year - Best of 2007, that sort of thing. We're also getting ready for an Oklahoma Centennial Celebration with Faith and a few others - wonderful Oklahomans who are helping our great state commemorate 100 years of statehood this next week. November 16, 1907 to November 16, 2007...too bad Teddy Roosevelt can't be here for the anniversary - he signed us into statehood that afternoon.

Well, gotta scoot, the dog and her public are waiting. I'm the cameraman/woman on this one. I'll let Laura and Caity be seen on the show...I did mention to the producer Scott Day of CBS that he had to do me this one favor: He had to put us on an episode of CSI-NY....if for no other reason I'd love to see Faith walking into the lab and just freak the bajeebies out of the crew! She's table height when she stands up, perhaps she could help Hawkes do an autopsy! WOOF!

Smarter Than the Average Blogger Bears!

You guys are smart! You fellow-bloggers that is. I guess we're not on strike since we are continuing to blog, but then again, not many of us are being paid for our works huh? I can tell from the e-mails and the phone calls I'm receiving that some of you are putting two and two together.

Last July I blogged on my site about Sebastian Maniscalco and his faux-paux with the very public miscommunication about my dog Faith. I mentioned that I would be seeking legal counsel, and I did. I blogged a couple of days ago about Debra Opri being said legal counsel, and she's fantastic! She's wonderful in fact. I couldn't have asked for a better person to represent me. She loves dogs, she loves people, she's open and honest. I think honestly, that I we're in the best of hands. Well, there you bloggers go; reading between the lines, watching the Maniscalco YouTube, and deriving from what it says that the man being held responsible for the basis of the suit (pending) is a well-named actor other than Sebastian Maniscalco - - you've done all that you can do to make me say his name, but I don't think that matters.

Saying his name doesn't (or won't) change matters. He has agreed to apologize to us, which is better toward good will -- don't you think? I'll let the attorneys handle the names, and the reputations. There's no need to even worry about it. When TMZ called me this evening to confirm the NAME of the man involved, I directed them to speak with Debra. They went so far as to say that on the YouTube there is a definite name mentioned, that Sebastian Maniscalco was directly involved with "X" man, and they wanted to know YES or NO if this was the man I hold in such high esteem that although I may have to file a suit against him, I choose not to say his name. I'm sure Debra's number is listed....I'll smile from behind my monitor, and know that I'm in the best hands possible.

An alliance will be made - - I believe in this. As for Hollywood, names, gossips, and rumors, here's one: Faith is going to be in a movie soon, and you wouldn't believe who her leading man will be!!! Oh, dare I tease? Giggles.

NOT ON STRIKE - But I Would Be

If I were employed as a Hollywood or news writer, a member of a union, I suppose I would be on strike like the rest of them. I don't look too bad in red, so I'd be able to afford the spiffy tee-shirt too. That's cool when you think about it: "I went on STRIKE and I got this lovely T-shirt too!" could be the slogan.

I like the ads for the Lions for Lambs promos, "Behind Every Big Story, Behind Every Closed Door... IS THE TRUTH." It should read "Behind EVERY Big Story, Behind Every Teeny Tiny Story, Behind Everything that anyone on stage actually says - is the WRITER". I wrote to my attorney today in response to her asking me to be patient about being on the Ellen Show, which I'm sure we will be soon - I can be patient. I can wait for the writers to get their salaries, their residuals, I can do that. I'm a writer! I do get what they're saying. The fact that Leno, Letterman, Conan, Colbert, any of the talk show hosts (even my I-Can't-Wait-To-Dance-With-Her Ellen) needs a writer or two before they open their mouths on stage. However, I've seen the commercials, Ellen can write some pretty funny stuff on her own!

I went on strike once, but it only lasted through my lunch hour. It was a teacher's strike, and just like the writers, it won't last very long. We alllllllwaaaaaysss get what we want. We're teachers! No one wants to trade us jobs. Same with the writers; no one wants to put their best pens forward. I would, but I'm not about to be a scab. I was called this morning, someone asked me to join the new union, and I thought about it since I'm not an actual member of the Writers Guild of America. Took me about 3 seconds....before I smiled and said "No Thanks". I believe in the strike. It won't be another 22 week strike like it was in 1988 - I bet within a week we see the writers wearing blue, green, yellow, pink, even a little periwinkle again. Out with the red - off with the t-shirts...some of them need to keep them on as long as possible, but we won't go there.

Wouldn't it be great to see the actors in CSI-NY having to come up with their own lines? Mac Taylor (forgive me Gary)knows a bit more about everything there is to know about everything - more so than his counterpart perhaps. I'd love to see Gary just look Melena in the eyes and say "I don't know, haven't got a damn clue about what that chemical does, what it's used for, where it comes from...Danny, what do you think?" That would be hilarious, but not as Mac-like as Mac Taylor, that boy knows the wing ratio of the African Swallow in flight (little Monty Python humour).

So....you want to make a mark in this world, say the right things, have the right image, look good and sound good on stage and in front of people? You can do what I do, WRITE IT YOURSELF....or you could give in and pay the people what they want. It's just money! Hey Hollywood, you're not making it without the writers, no way, not gonna happen....pay the money! Have your people call my people...we'll talk once this is over.

Pancakes Flying Everywhere!

What you DON'T want is this girl cutting up your pancakes for you at her place of employment! She's working with her little sister at the *** Pancake House in OKC, and let me tell you - she can wield a pretty mean sword! Halloween found the girls wearing costumes of course, out trick or treating, throwing an on-and-off-again party at their new place, when BAM - out of nowhere they both got called into the Pancake House to waitress for the 2 a.m. crowd that shows up just after the drinks stop at the local pubs. Laura, because she's THAT WAY, decided to keep the Halloween party a-go, bringing her lethal weapon with her and using it in the best possible way - - to assist patrons in cutting up their food! Well, thank GOD, she only helped a couple of people she personally knew, and only one table was marred for life!

Can you imagine being a patron at 2:40 in the morning following a wickedly loud or obnoxious costume party, going out for substance, and getting your pancakes chopped up at the table Japanese style by a Harajuku anime character from Hell? The wig isn't in this particular picture, it was taken before the wig and the shoes. Have you SEEN the Japanese style or fashion known as Harajuku? I suppose I'm slow, but it's been out a while - Laura's been into it, but I thought she was just over the top compensating for not having her horse any longer - no, she's up to date in Tokyo! When she visits she'll need 3 or 4 giant suitcases just to carry the costumes and of course, the swords will have to be checked!

Pancakes and dinner tables were cut into pieces at the Madison Halloween night and into the early dawn hours of November 1 - what a sight! At least Caity had the brains and stability to dress like a hooker! (Wait a minute...)

People in High Places!

What you couldn't have known about my son is all the famous and influential people connected to his life! Look at him! Hob-knobbing with the 2-Star Generals of this world, wearing his Boomer Sooner colors, that smile of his - so natural!

When Reuben was born I was a member of the same church as the Governor of our state. His name is Governor George Nigh (D) of Oklahoma. We're Republican, but we love George and Donna! We absolutely love them. It was Governor Nigh who, from the pulpit of our church, announced Reuben's birth to the congregation after the preacher refused to because Reuben's father and I weren't married. Gov. Nigh realized that a new baby as more important to the church than politics and/or appearances of evil I suppose. For that we have always loved him. He was among the first to babysit Reuben, and I have to tell you; it was odd driving Reuben to the Governor's mansion to be babysat when he was just a teeny-tiny boy - that was in 1986.

After a few year rolled by (1992), Reuben became the first child EVER to be kicked out of Moore Public Schools for campaigning on Election Day. They pulled me out of the long line was in, and they forced him on a three-day suspension. I could have been fined for his behavior, but I was unaware of it. Here I was standing in a 2-3 hour long waiting line to vote for George Bush Sr. for President of the United States and my son is going up and down the line saying "Vote for Bush" and he was extending his hand to make it official I guess. He was 6. Well, he decided to write to former President Bush and tell him what happened. From 1992 to 2001 he and Mr. Bush exchanged quite a few letters and photos of each other, all personal, all beautiful.

In 2000 (The year OU took National Championship in football) Reuben was the official campaign manager for George W. Bush. He was outlandishly loud about it, covering more ground than most could have imagined. My boy ran miles and miles around our town campaigning - and it was simply suppose to be a school based project! The night of the controversial recount - the boy could be heard in TEXAS screaming and throwing his fits....but overcome with JOY he was when HIS President won in the end.

At the pleasure of our dear president, my son now proudly serves in the U.S. Army, where he expresses himself, his abilities, and his opinions just as loudly and openly as he always has....100% always. I like what Reuben stands for. I like the way he approaches life - FULLY and up front, in your face, and always with that big smile of his.....always! His commanding officers have been teasing me for a year now that Reuben RUINS every picture they have because he smiles while everyone else is looking hard and stern faced. This is something he did on the field too when he played football. Well, come to think of it, it's something he has done when he's engaged in what we appropriately call "Full-Contact Baseball", "Full-Contact Basketball" and "Full-Contact Bowling" - all of which have been through his church. There just isn't much out there that can stop this bull once he gets his hoofs on the ground and pointed in the right direction!

Governors, presidents, and generals....what's next?
Proud of you Boy!

Debra Opri Represents Very Well!

Pretty in Red! Look at her, isn't she a beautiful woman with a brain and wit to match? (I totally stole this image from her website.)

When Faith was verbally and visually attacked this past summer/spring by a comedian named Sebastian Maniscalco, I was upset to say the least. I blogged about it, I thought about it. I tried to find an attorney in Oklahoma willing to take the case, but the problem wasn't with Maniscalco -- he was small enough to take on certainly, but his associates were not. I won't say at this time who it is that we were forced to target in an impending law suit which would have been high profile, followed by media and press coverage to rival the most sensational cases out there -- when no one felt as if they could take the case and do a proper job.....I contacted Debra Opri. She felt strong enough, tough enough, good enough, and of course experienced enough to do the job.

From the minute I spoke with Debra this week I knew that she was the best choice. I had spoken with other high profile attorneys in the Los Angeles area; they were polite, but they turned me down. The one thing they said was "The case certainly has merit, but we know it could go to trial rather quickly, and we don't have the time for that." It was suggested by a devoted friend and fan of my dog Faith, that I contact Opri because she had dogs, she was dogmatic, and she was loved and beloved so much by the general populous that NO ONE would stand a chance against her in this particular situation. I couldn't agree more.

Debra's assistant gave me her private cell number which I called immediately. With only a four or five minute conversation I was being asked by the greatest defense lawyer of the WEST to write up my summary, send my resume, bios of both me and my dog. I was to send her photos, letters of recommendation, my dog's Army commission, and just tell her what happened. Hours later, I'm signing a contract with her and we're going over the media releases, the plans to approach this from the correct angle, etc. No one, especially me, wanted to hurt the potential future working relationship of Faith and this particular actor. We love him! When you find out who I'm talking about it may surprise you that he would be involved in such a mess, but business associates have a way of fudging up good people's lives sometimes. This is one of those times. Maniscalco made the YouTube and made a horse's behind of himself on stage making fun of my good-will ambassador dog, but this man, this wonderful and gracious man that I would have to be suing, was actually being held responsible - - business.

Well, it only took a day. Debra Opri called me today and asked if we could find a way to work it out - maybe get on a television show with this man and let the world know we're going to be OK. I hope that can happen. Suing someone just isn't what I wanted to do. Faith doesn't need to be known as the dog that sues because her feelings got hurt. I was more than upset, more than emotionally distressed over it, but Faith would probably have forgiven anyone for saying anything - she is all about the love she can give. It looks like Opri is the best one for the case after all. She's going to work out the details naturally - we'll give it our best shot to be nice, play nice, get along - and hey - who knows: This guy is talented enough to work with me on adapting an idea I have for a screenplay where he plays the role of a man who literally stumbles over Faith one day and feels obligated to keep her. She in turn can't be seen by anyone because she's an angel in disguise...a big disguise, she's a two-legged bipedal dog!

This could be the best thing that ever happened to us. God has His way, I simply say thank you. (Well, I also say "Pay me for the damages that whatshisname caused" too, but we say thank you!) Opri: You rock!

Happy HOWL-aween!

Faith and Matrix will be dressing up as each other this year and this should be fun. I'm just going to have to remember that Matrix may need to be forgiven for his arms sticking out of his Faith costume, after all, Faith doesn't have front limbs, so he may actually resemble a yellow lab rather than his "sister" Faith.

We got the idea to have the dogs dress as themselves when the girls, Laura & Caity, decided to dress up like each other and go to a party last night. Tonight's 7th Halloween party for the girls will mark the first for the dogs. They are honored to be invited to the first annual L/C Halloween Bash! It will be taking place at the new apartment, which has been freshly painted - very scary colors: Teal, Cotton Candy, and Sunflower are in the front rooms, and the back bedroom is PURPLE with teal, sunflower and cotton candy hand prints all over the main wall. I like it actually, and even added 3 yellow hands to the mix!

The dogs night out will be fun I'm sure. We plan on a cookout (55 degrees constitutes the need for BBQ in Oklahoma) and we'll share our meat and grilled veggies with the dogs rather than loading them up with chocolate, taffy, hard candy or caramels. We do truly love our dogs and feel this is best - they always agree with my way of thinking. Faith's favorite Howl-aween trick is to run up behind the darling little kids on the street and just pant in their ears since she's standing up and at their height. They scream of course, and that sends her running in the opposite direction. Matrix just runs around laughing and picking up the candy they drop. I have to force it out of his mouth, but I always win. He's a wussy dog. I can take him!

Well, that being said, I have to go pin the ears on the dogs...we don't actually pin them, I said that to upset you! Did it work? OK...Happy Howlaween!!! Watch out for the babies and the old kids too.

Me & Matrix, Matrix & I

It's beginning to feel a lot like solidarity! Finally, I can say with 5% certainty, that the girls are completely moved out of my house. I can say with 95% certainty that they have a long way to go, a lot to do, and more and more time will have to pass before I can truly claim to be living alone. Matrix doesn't mind, he has two homes to go to now. He has two beds to crawl into; mine and Caity's. He has two bowls with food always prepared for him - he's in Dog Heaven, and probably believes I should have kicked them all out of the house a while back.

I don't seem to blog much about my OTHER dog. Matrix is my perfect hound. I tell him he's perfect, I even brag about him to everyone I meet because Matrix, unlike Faith, doesn't have the fan club, the paparazzi, mail coming to him daily, and he doesn't fly First Class. He doesn't fly actually - he's my home-dog, so I tell him over and over again how perfect he is. If he were out in the public,(I wink at him when I say this) he would be snatched up in a second! He would be carried off to some foreign country where he would be pampered and loved day in and day out, but I would never see him again - so he must stay at home and wait for us to return from all of the VERY BORING and tedious things that Faith and I must do. (I also lie to my dog and say that my work is mundane, ordinary, and that he would grow very tired of it were he to ever go with us...despite whatever Faith tells him of her adventures when we return with more luggage than we took out.)

Matrix is perfectly suited for being the house dog. He is perfectly 26 pounds, stands perfectly 16" off the floor, he has a perfect glossy black coat with tri-color trim, and a little perfect premature graying going on just around his perfectly pointed muzzle. For being a mixed breed dog he is perfectly balanced with the world's favorite breed; the Dachshund, and the world's most versatile breed, the Beagle. His mother and his father were both papered, they had certifications of great pedigrees - however, they were not suppose to date. When they did, and when the 8 puppies they created were born, all of them were thrown out like trash - given to the Humane Society because of their "uselessness". They weren't purebred anything! They were (dare we whisper it?) mutts.

My perfect little mutt is much more than non-useless. He is quite useful indeed. When I need my legs warmed he is there to do it. When I need a buddy in a storm, he's there before I am, crawling up my back and into my sweater usually, because he realizes how scared I can be during a tornado. Brave dog that he is, he even sleeps on the back of my couch - which is less than 4 inches thick (without falling - Dachshunds are really balanced animals). Because he comes from good Beagle stock, he can sing! He sings very well in fact, and he has no problem leaving the food that he doesn't want in the bowl for a later snack - unlike other dogs. Again, he is perfect.

Matrix has one pose: up with the chin, to the side a bit, and always stern-faced. Must be the breeding - he's usually got a wink in his eye, a grin on his face, and a stiff wag of the tail most other times. The tail story is a good one. I had to be admitted to the ER once after he poked me in the eye with his rock-hard tail! The same tail that won him "Best Tail Wagger" in 2003 and 2004 in our fair city! Though he may not be a parade dog like Faith, we do take him to the Strut Your Mutt competitions where he always takes something home! One year it was Mr. Congeniality for going by to say hello to every person and then going by to say "hello" to ever tree!

Neutered very early on, there will be NO MORE little Matrix mutts; a sad tale yes, but a good gesture in terms of being responsible. I'm sure had I asked him if he were willing to make this sacrifice on his own my little weenie-dog would have agreed to have the surgery - he's very conscientious....quite polite! Perfect! I've been teasing him for years now (8) that we'd be alone some day - no kids, no noise, just our music, just our friends, our television shows, whatever we wanted to do. He realizes that Faith is part of that WE now, and at first he was a bit unforgiving, but when he looked up from his couch perch and saw that he was never alone - always able to travel from one apartment to the next, and even making a pit stop between the two units to see his little doggie friend, he decided that being the house dog wasn't that bad of a gig after all. He'll let Faith stay a little longer, but SHE must sleep under the bed!

So, You Wanna Be a Genius!

Have you seen Wile E. Coyote lately? Probably not as often as you saw him when you were a kid, right? Well, there's a reason for that. He's retired. Wile E. was a hard-working coyote, placing himself in dangerous and precarious situations day after day all for naught. The one thing he created his maddened-ingenious contraptions for (the roadrunner) ended up being a cartoon character, much like himself, created solely for the purpose of bringing pleasure to the creator - and this somewhat peeved the big-earred desert canine. Thinking he would actually never actually catch his meal, or that he may or may not be able to satisfy himself once he did - he quit. I don't blame him. I may have been convinced to do the same thing once. I thought I had to be in Hollywood making money and doing all the Hollywood things you do in order to make it big - but it didn't pan out that way. Instead, I wound up coming to my senses, coming back home, making a little family - raising that little family, and now, well, it seems I'm a lot happier just being the writer that I am.

Now, don't get me wrong - I'm still a certified, bona fide, over-the-top genius, having a majorly high I.Q. of over 170 (last I checked it was hovering in the 180 range) but that doesn't mean I have a lick of good sense. Never have! In fact, in all the years I've been able to join Mensa I haven't because they just didn't seem to be much fun. I went through the testing, got the results - was flooded with invites to parties, but you know what I found there? Math! I found MATH at these parties. I'm not into numbers, MATH to me is a 4-letter word. That's it - I'm into words - I was asking my good friend Niki today if she could explain the difference between the two words Epistemology and Etymology...because they are similar, but so very different. We talked for about an hour on the subject (drinking gin and finally realizing it didn't matter much anyway), and we just giggled and called ourselves geeks.

There are absolute genius minds out there that go bonkers, you've seen that on T.V., and the truth about so many mega-brainiacs having a slightly larger skull, or bug eyes, it's true - some do....Math people! Those of us (Nike included) who are language geniuses - we look almost completely normal most of the time, and you'd think we were really unintelligent if you asked us to figure out an equation to prove our ultra smartiness - we don't make graphs, we don't come up with formulas, we don't make decisions based on physics, probabilities, or outcome - in fact, we probably shouldn't be trusted to make decisions at all; we're romantics! Can you imagine what the world would be like if Hemingway made decisions about our military or the use of chemicals? Wow! Or hey, what if Edgar Allan Poe was expected to be a great leader - HHAHHHAHAA...oh, that made my side hurt, wait...I retract that last thought.

The truth is, there are several types of genius, just because we score well on tests that match shapes, deal with perceptions, or have logical patterns - doesn't make us worthy of pedestals. I could probably, if I had to, write a poem about it, make up a great fantasy, throw in a twist, create a dragon whose breath (when tempered with pixie dust) created new foliage or streams teeming with fish - but don't ask me to calculate velocity, or to even follow the reasoning behind pushing Daylight Savings Time back a day or so before Halloween - the one holiday that needs a last bit of natural illumination for kids to celebrate in safety. No, ask me to draw you a word picture. Ask me to whisper a medieval fantasy of poetry, lace, and stone castles in your ears - ask me to stir the tangerine skies with azure feathers, but never expect me to explain space, volume, mass, or energy - I can't do that.

What do you do with a genius who can't draw stick figures? Where to do you categorize a presence with power, endless intellect, but no common sense? You show them the path to the local public library, the coffee house, or the bookstore, and you allow the dream to replace the reality - for everyone.