The Dachshund is a majestic sausage on four legs that refuses to acknowledge its own ridiculous proportions - it doesn't realize it's a smaller dog. No one was ever brave enough to tell them so. Originally engineered (not just bred) by German breeders to flush badgers out of tight underground burrows, these dogs were designed with long bodies and short legs for maximum excavation efficiency. What that means is that you, the new Dachshund owner, or someone who loves their look and was hoping to buy one, will no longer have a pristine yard if you get one.
Essentially, they are furry, sentient torpedoes designed for subterranean combat. Their ancestral makeup, their blueprint, means your living room sofa cushion is treated like a tactical military operation, and your laundry pile is just another tunnel waiting to be cleared of imaginary forest monsters. Those chew toys for aggressive chewers can help - but in the mind of the Dachshund, what is his is his, what is yours is his, and everything you thought may be off limits is also his. (or hers if your dog is a girl)
Despite weighing a little more than a standard bag of flour, a Dachshund possesses the acoustic volume of a jet engine; have you really ever heard one? They bark excessively because their original job required them to alert hunters from deep inside dark earth holes. The dog would go into the hole, lose himself looking for a badger, and sometimes he'd get stuck - the owners had to find them somehow. To achieve this, God blessed them with a barrel-shaped chest that acts as a massive acoustic amplifier.
When a Dachshund barks at a leaf blowing across the yard, it does not sound like a small lapdog yapping, nor is it because he (or she) is bored; it's because he sees it as the enemy -- everything is potentially the enemy, and the dog will bark. It sounds like a deeply offended, bass-heavy hound echoing through a canyon, leaving neighbors to wonder where you are hiding the invisible Great Dane. Little do they know that the Great Dane would most likely be a whole lot nicer to them than the sausage dog!
This combination of hunting heritage and acoustic power breeding is absolute in the Dachshund. You, too, will believe you have a Great Dane-sized dog living with you when you try sleeping with the little guy -- somehow, he/she will learn how to command more space than they need, and you may end up begging for your blanket sometime in the middle of the night as well. In a Dachshund’s mind, they are not a foot-tall wiener dog; they are a twelve-foot-tall apex predator capable of taking down a grizzly bear. They will look a snarling Mastiff directly in the eye and confidently decide they could win that fight - and they actually start that fight; so be on your toes, ready to scoop them up.
They are stubborn, fiercely loyal, and utterly convinced that they own the house, the yard, and the concept of time itself. To live with a Dachshund is to accept that you are merely a chauffeur to a small but powerfully over-confident, loud king (or queen) who walks like a slinky but commands the room from his or her first side-eye! (Did I mention how stubborn they are?)
I laugh when anyone tells me they've just bought or adopted a Dachshund. Immediately, I smile because I know the struggles are real - and I wonder why exactly someone would put themselves through the torture. I have been a Dachshund friend and/or person since my birth. I don't have an excuse. I was literally born into a family that was literally that crazy, that dramatic, that silly, and that ambitious.
I have loved them, shared my life with them, and would never trade them - ever; but still, I laugh. I always ask if they have Dachshund experience. I ask because it's not the same as being a dog owner; far from it. I laugh because the level of faithfulness, loyalty, and devoted lovingness that you'll experience with a Dachshund outshines and surpasses any type of experience you'll ever have with any other canine - bar none.
So, if you've never had one, think about it. Read the book "Dachshunds for Dummies" and don't focus on just how darn cute and adorable they are. If you value your time, space, or ears, you'll choose another breed. You can't simply tell a Dachshund to stop barking or to pee outside if it rains. Don't try to tell it that picking a fight with bigger dogs is inappropriate; you'll only look silly doing so. They weren't bred to be lapdogs. That's a newer trait for the breed - they were built and bred to rule the world, and they're doing a really good job at it so far.
Photo Credit: Me (This is Neo, he's 10 weeks old)
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