It probably wouldn't go over very well if, when I'm asked what I do for a living, I say I'm a murderer - and then, you know, add rather quickly, that I'm an author of thriller novels and find the need to whack a few people every three or four months. Honestly, I don't even do that, because I don't write for a living, I write for pleasure. I guess then, it could be said that I murder people for the thrill of it; for fun...and then add rather quickly, that's all in my head and through my keyboard. I'm really a pretty good person when all things are considered.
For a living, I recover damages from people who break things so that our clients can be indemnified. I consider both sides of an equation and determine who the liable party is. It could be the person who put the shovel or excavator's bucket into the ground. It could be the local company that didn't do their job correctly, but we all know that our clients are always innocent in these matters and will be indemnified by someone. It's my job sometimes to figure out who that someone is.
Murdering people is wrong. I need to state that fact flatly, and have you understand that I really do mean it. I can honestly say, with all my fingers uncrossed, that I would never murder anyone; not in reality. Murder isn't killing - there is a difference. I could end a life if I needed to, but it wouldn't be what I wanted to do, and it wouldn't be taken lightly either. There have been a few critics of my books stating that a Christian can't be a murder novelist, but hey, here I am...killin' it...Ha! Did you see what I did there? Sometimes I make myself laugh...don't be too offended; I'm not.
Fiction books sell more than non-fiction books. Fantasy and science fiction sell more than any genre, but murder, mystery, mayhem, and recipe books are right up there, along with books that rest minutes on shelves before being picked up and carried home. My books are on print demand - they won't see a shelf unless I order them, wait for them to come in, and then not pick them up, so they have to be shelved! I may say my books are on the local Barnes and Noble shelves, but they aren't...not really. Actually, there was a day that I took six books into Barnes and Noble and put them on the shelf so I could take their picture. That was fun. Talk about being a dork! I win!
I tease my bestie and say that if either of us is ever picked up by the police and they go through our phones to see what the two of us are texting to one another, we're both going to have to admit that I'm the one who started it. I won't let her take the blame. I'll say something so off the wall and random that anyone with a normal mind would have had me committed a long time ago; they would at least stop hanging out with me out of sheer fear that I could snap at any moment.
It will be a regular Tuesday afternoon, and I'll text Jeannie and say something like "You need to be naked when you stab someone or club them with a golf club a few times. It's gonna get really messy fast, and you can't have minute tiny drops of blood hiding in the fabric of your clothes. You can explain it if it's in your hair but not your clothes." Things like that. Then she'll write back and remind me that there are cleaning additives you can add to your wash that remove blood completely, even leaving it smelling pretty fresh; as long as you don't wash them with other things it should be OK, but it's always best to incinerate the clothes if you can - "best options."
Jeannie isn't a writer, but she's a detective. I mean, she could be. She could take the test and pass with all the hours, years even, of the shows that we've watched. She could pass. I'd lay money on it. She knows her modern murders for sure. I tend to creep around the old days, reading up on murders and victimology from yesteryear; it fascinates me how many of these people got away with it - a lot got away with it. Not today! Not with all the forensic medicine, research, testing, and whatnot. Nope, if the scientists don't find out what you did, the CCTV cameras sure will!
Just for fun (and you know what I do for fun), I decided to go online and use a name generator to find a few good names for some upcoming characters. There's even a random method of murder generator designed to help writers think outside the box, or give them brighter, fresher, new ideas that maybe they hadn't thought about. (Who doesn't do this in their spare time?)
You put in a few facts that you want to be sure and keep in the book, then hit the button to see what will happen to the next bloke that walks in the park after dark without a care in the world - BAM! Alligator! No one thinks of murder by alligator, but that's what the coroner finds in his body! Tiny microscopic bits of oiled and treated alligator leather; probably a woman's purse or a man's boot!
Well, he could be on the swamp side of the park, near the 16th hole on a fancy golf course somewhere in the Sunshine State. The man reaches down to pick up a loose ball he thought no one needed, and Brutus nabs him before he can holler back for help! If you hit it in the rough out on the 16th, you take a loss -- everyone knew that but Carl...poor Carl. He just wanted to save a few bucks on balls; he already had a few extra tees in his pocket. One of them got stuck in Brutus's jaw - painful.
That's it. That's me. That's how I think, and what I think. I can't ever remember being bored - that's for sure. I don't need a lot of fancy gizmos and gadgets to keep my mind occupied. Just a pen and a little notebook will do.
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