Thursday, January 27, 2011

Sex and the City of Celebacy!

Hahaaha....so, since I'm the blogger does that make me Carrie? I actually met Cindy Nixon once when I went to NYC with my dog. Cindy actually walked across traffic where SHE was causing a crowd to gather, and came over to kiss Faith. She's almost too thin in person, but on television looks about right. Makes me think not only how not thin I look on television, but how scary it must be for actors to feel that they have to maintain ridiculous figures to be loved from their always-looking-for-them-in-public-to-see-if-they-really-look-like-that-in-person audience. Cindy was very sweet, and Faith adored her shoes...she told me later.

This March, (and not that I'm counting), will mark the 12th anniversary of my decision not to be sexually active. I can think of better anniversary titles; but not one of them hits me in the face quite as abruptly. I mean, this morning I woke up and realized that because of the flu symptoms I've been fighting for over a week now, I've not had any coffee to drink....save one good sip that reminded me why I wasn't drinking coffee until I'm better. Being caffeineless is a lot different than being without a man....I really don't think I'm going to wait on the right cup of Joe to come around; and EVEN if I had to wait, if I was FORCED to wait on the right cup of JOE to bring me to myself again, I'd only have to go as far as the nearest Starbucks.

That's it! We knew it all along, it was in the back of minds! MEN can be manufactured to specifications and then poured out and served correctly if we so desire. NO NO NO...do not wake me up, I'm thoroughly enjoying this fantasy. If I want to equate men with coffee, it wouldn't be the first time. I remember once in Seattle, when I hadn't been thinking much about anything else but the fact that I was still not having sex, and someone from behind the counter asked me and asked me if I preferred a tall, hot, robust Italian or Pike's Place. I almost answered that I'd meet the man outback; then realized he was offering me choices of coffee flavors that were brewing that morning....still, I think I get points for a quick mind.

It's really not as bad as people think. I don't really REGRET the decision, it's just gone on so long that when or if Mr. Forever comes along and I try to go in reverse I'm just wondering if the gears will need to be replaced for lack of action or if they'll break from pressure. You can only imagine the thoughts that run through my head as Valentine's Day approaches. I think to myself, SOMEONE has to be sane and not have sex, so that the whole world doesn't spin and roll off it's axis! I'm just so proud to be called upon AGAIN to save the freakin' planet from RUIN! Brave, brave solider...LOL

Oh, I didn't tell you WHY I decided to be without men, without sex, without all the headaches attached to both -- it's a good story. I had kids ages 13, 9, and 8 and knew that they needed me and they certainly didn't need me bringing a man, or men, into their lives making manly-fatherly decisions, or statements to them, about me, about them, about us. We were in the middle of a bad ugly divorce, custody battle, then I won custody, and it just seemed that the word "MAN" was associated with everything that I had been fighting. It might not be realistic to think that all men were the enemy, but it was helpful in continuing my decision and keeping the promise to myself that I could make it on my own - - at least until my heart had given into a different way of thinking.

Well -- it's been 12 years. Will it be a Baker's Dozen before I find the ONE? Is there a ONE? I want to think so. I mean, I want to think that there's this guy -- a tall, curly haired, light eyed man, with a shy and quirky smile, maybe he's from back East, and he's been thinking about me for say.....29 years. LOL....leave me alone, I told you I haven't had any coffee in 6 days. I'm dying; I know I am. If I don't get to the roast soon I'll shrivel up....they'll find me in a corner wide-eyed and drooling which wouldn't be all that embarrassing, not as long as they don't take pictures and post them. What is it that I'm hoping to find this year in terms of the right MAN anyway? Is it necessary? Probably not, but the ONE thing about the ONE is that I don't need any help finding him. Infact, I would reject help finding him.

Believe it or not I get upset when a man starts off a chatty little small talk conversation with me. If you could see through the air-invisibles you would see horns sprouting all over me, red-flags flying all around, and air-horns blaring out the sound of "BACK OFF! BACK OFF! SHE'S ABOUT TO EXPLODE". It's not that I'm a shrew, nope, far from it, but I am just a Scorpio woman who absolutely chooses the man, it's never going to change, never ever ever never, and there's no reason for anyone to KNOW that....so I don't attack them if they sweetly, or gentlemanly approach; I simply smile and make some excuse to walk away. Sometimes I wish I was an Aries (but that only lasts about a second!) LOL

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