Sunday, July 27, 2008

Six Weeks - A Test

I've done this before. I set a time schedule and I keep a diet plan, a work out plan, and I try to fake out my body to make it think I'm really going somewhere in 90 days or in this case 6 weeks. Once I tried to pretend that I was being asked to film in Europe this time. I didn't want to be the stereo-typical "Fat American" getting off the plane to invade their gentle country. I wanted to be leaner, stronger, more healthy. Well, this time I want to be more equipped mentally than I was last time I tried to bowl myself over with my own mental lies! This time I have a real strategy...a reason.

This is July 27, six weeks from today will be September 14 if my calculations are correct. On September 11, 1992 I weighed 138 pounds. I was healthy and happy - and then I fell at a grocery store when I slipped on a puddle of water. You couldn't make out the water on the floor because of the reflection coming off the floor from the lights above. The floor always looked wet in that particular store, and when I misstepped and hit the ground I knew there was a real problem. I had cracked the base of my neck. I heard it crack! For weeks I was unable to do much at all - the movements so difficult, and of course I was unable to exercise, forbidden to after that due to the nerve damage that was caused. I developed a problem in my hands - I would literally crush glass if I held it because my thumbs contracted and wrapped very tightly over my fingers. There were times that I was locked onto the steering column of my car and had to use my teeth to pry myself off the wheel!

Needless to say there was a significant amount of damage done to my mental state as well as to my physical body. Eventually I gained over 65 pounds and I became very depressed over a period of years - - it didn't help that I was going through a divorce soon after that, my educational path had taken off, and I had to quit the first time I had enrolled due to the accident, then I had to pay back the money my husband had borrowed through my student loans that I didn't know about - and that caused more stress, more injury - do you see a pattern here? I think I call it self-abuse-syndrome. I just pitied myself all day and all the time. I was my own worst enemy with the "I can't" or "it hurts to exercise" - I had EVERY excuse in the book and I sure used them! Until about 18 months ago.

I began asking God to prepare someone for me and to prepare me for someone. I just left it up to God to determine who that would be. I told Him I didn't want 10, I didn't want 5. I didn't even want 2. I just wanted one, and to be honest, it took a great deal of convincing me that I even wanted that one - - but something in me said it was time, or it would be. I knew it would take a while. I had a lot of stuff to unpack...the journey to find me again had been a very very very long trip indeed.

I didn't stare in the mirror and cry - I didn't need to, that video of me and Faith on the Montel Williams Show December 5, 2006 was enough. I think it aired February 20, 2007, but still - 205 pounds? Could that be right? Had I really let that happen? Yes, I really let that happen. I wasn't really all that sad, I didn't feel sad. I felt helpless in some ways, but not sad - in fact with all that was going on with Faith I felt pretty happy - but there was the time I sat down in a seat on the airplane and heard a little girl say to her mother "Why do I have to sit by her, she's fat". Her thin and quick to smile a shy smile mother retorted under her breath to the little girl that she, the little girl, was smaller and we'd all fit better that way. Wow, I was hurt...but it wasn't anybody elses fault but my own. I had been the one to do all the eating and none of the exercising, after all - no one else is inside this skin but me.

So, about 18 months ago I decided that if I was going to be prepared for someone that meant my body had to be presentable. A present in a big box can be cool but I think the smaller more intriguing box would suit me better. In my mind I've always remained a size 8. In the mirror there tends to be a different point of view. Part of the preparing this time will be the fact that I'm approaching September 11, and rather than it becoming a very sad day because of my fall and because of the Twin Towers, I want THIS year to be a better day...a winning day. I may not be 138 pounds by that day, but I can be better off than what I am today at 155. I can't say I'll be a size 8 again, I want to be, and that's a step in the right direction. I've made so many big and wonderful changes this year that I could always use the last twelve months as a time for reflection.

Sometimes I go back through my journals (all 483912 of them) and I find what I was doing exactly 1 year ago. I read things and remember, or I read things and have no idea what I'm talking about, but I was pretty adamant at the time that it was important! One year ago today I gave up fatty foods. If something had more than a few grams of fat in it I didn't eat it. Today it's hard to get me to look at fatty foods - they just aren't attractive. I have NO cravings for them. Same with meat. The desire to eat a burger is just not in me. I don't like the smell of bacon frying anymore, it's not that I'm opposed to it, it's just not interesting to me. Sort of like looking at men that I don't want to actually know - this one is gorgeous, that one is sexy, but I don't care. My heart is set. I can look at a burger, I can look at a rib-eye, not going to eat it. You go ahead, I'm not against that, but it's just not for me anymore.

I won't beat myself up if I'm not 15 pounds lighter in 6 weeks. I won't even cry over it, but I bet I could see myself on camera and not hate myself as much as I did before - and I think I could sit next to anyone and not be offensive. Well, not because of my weight anyway - that's why God invented noise-cancelling headsets. I don't even NOTICE your children much anymore - except for take offs and landings, and while I'm here, and you're there reading - SHUT THEM UP PLEASE...I thought there was a rule about children being in First Class are they even really allowed in First Class? There should be a rule - but that's a blog for my opinion's blog, I get a bit sassy about kids these days...mine are...mine are....OLD!! Hahaha...YES!

Six weeks. I'm eating 5 times a day of course, but little meals. I get the 40-50 grams of fiber in, I drink the 80 ounces of water, 1 cup of coffee if you can believe that, and I also exercise more than 50 minutes a day - thanks to the core stabilizer and the hand weights, tubes, and anything else I can do while watching news and forensic shows - bring on Montel Williams, I can do this! (Oh, he retired? Too bad, I was looking forward to a re-do!)

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