Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Some Days You Wake Up Orange!

Rolling out of bed never really hurt so badly as it did last Saturday morning when all the gravity behind the words "We have new bulbs" hit me like the red brick sunburn I had. But I wasn't just red, no that would have been acceptable. I was orange! Well, if you can call the color you turn after you apply four coats of self tanner lotion for medium to dark skinned people orange - I don't know if God made the color I was to be honest with you. However, I do have an excuse. I always have an excuse.

I tan at the gym beginning about now, around the first of the year and I get that lovely all-year tan going, you know the one. That "sure-I've-just-been-laying-out-on-the-beach" tan that says I'm fully capable of paying a little extra for the tanning beds at my gym. This year I got a bonus! I renewed my membership, the one I somewhat ignored forever, and they threw in the tanning for nothing! Yes, that's right, free! I'm able to cook myself to a frazzle now and it won't cost a thing....well, except the price of the bottle of that vinegar you see at the top of this blog, because vinegar (Thank you Gil Grissom) takes the tan-sting out! Mix it with a little aloe vera juice (not gel) and lay yourself in the tub for a little splashing - you have one recipe for thanking God for natural healers....screw the lotion!

I couldn't walk a few hours after I tanned and I was even smart enough to ask the lady behind the counter to turn the timer down to about 10-12 minutes because her last words to me before I cooked myself were "Oh, we have new bulbs". FLAG, RED FLAG, literally......emphasis on red. So I was baked. I was completely dead but walking - you remember. As I rummaged through the house around midnight I found lotions I found gels, I found everything with fragrance, and even I know you can't use anything with a scent on a raw sunburn. I may only have a Ph.D. in Education baby, but I know that much from the streets!

It was bright gold, the lotion that I grabbed. It was promoting the words and works of natural aloe vera and vitamin E. It said so right there on the tube. Vitamin E and Aloe Vera - I think I saw the words "sooths extra dry skin", which is exactly what I was about to have....scaly dry, beaten with a stupid stick dry, that's what I was about to have. I took the tube of magic and smothered myself in in. Well,I say that, I couldn't exactly reach some of the hot spots, my muscles and my skin screamed at me, it wasn't going to happen. I put 3 or 4 coats where I could and I dressed myself in the softest baby soft cotton t-shirt I have, and those ultra soft sweats we buy ourselves and wear until they literally fall apart. The lotion was seeping out of the fabric it was so thin....but nothing else could come close to touching my rawness...nothing. Please God, nothing touch me!

In the morning...orange hands turned off the alarm clock, and that's when it hit me. The gold on the tube - should have been a clue. My daughters buy it, I don't because I use the tanning beds...my gosh, I was a fruit wedge. I was one of those sugar coated orange pieces that you suck all the sugar off and spit at the wall to see if it sticks....I hurt badly.

I didn't have to wait for too long. I think it was Gil Grissom, he came into my head for some reason, and he was talking about bee-stings I think. He said vinegar would draw it out - I remember the episode from back back back in the day. It had to be better than the Vitamin E boasting. I was feeling a little easier, I could move a little, but my body was just wrecked. I opened the frig to get my morning soy for the cereal and saw the aloe vera juice. Not hard to miss, I have a gallon of it in the frig at all times. Aloe Vera...100%. Great. This has to work, I'm dying. I put the two together. I mixed the aloe and the vinegar (a product of Italy. Anything from Italy has to be sexy, right? I'm thinking Sinise.)

I took myself, laughing, giggling and getting completely naked on the way to the bathroom, to the tub. Laying down or rather sitting sort of, I began pouring the mix over me. I used a little cup to scoop it up at the drain and repeat, repeat, repeat, until I was both screaming from the sting-cold, and sighing from the literal heatwave melting from me to the mix. By the 10th time I poured it over me, the mix was hotter than I was....amazing. It was working. Two hours later I was showering with real water, and able to move a lot more. This works. I think I'll patent it...oh wait, I've already let the cat out of the bag - whatever...I found it, I used it, I feel......great.

Tanning again will have to wait a few days, I'm not giving my poor cells that sort of a jolt again, but at least I can ride the bike, walk the treadmill and lift the weights without fear of death. Can we really be this stupid about ourselves? I guess so. Oh, and the vinegar works even better in salads. Raspberry!

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