Saturday, September 22, 2007

Plateau No More!

Yeah! I'm over the plataeu and back on the road to losing weight, shaping up, and getting into the jeans I bought in 1984 that I (for whatever reason) could never throw out. Before I had the kids I had a body - I guess we make sacrafices and changes after we do the mommy thing huh? Well, the faded blues have been calling to me from the depth of the closet. They've been materializing in my dreams, forcing me to look at them, and forcing me further to dig them out and try them on. I'm not too far away now. I found the secret to beating the plataeu too, and where it is an old and ancient secret, one that you and I both knew would work, we just don't get around to doing it properly, and so we suffer. I choose to be victorious.

So, the secret? Forgiving. I have this ex-spouse, I won't even call him a husband because the word husband is such a treasured word. We were married under the law. For a time I was married in my heart to this guy, and for a time I thought it would last forever - then reality hit. The past ten years have marked some of the most bitter feelings I have ever been able to drum up for someone and this is a person with whom I made love, had children, bought houses with, paid debts (well, most of the time, we certainly accrued them together). I had, for way too long, the mentality that he was this evil, vicious man without any worth, and I had to hate him in order to move on with my life, raise the kids the proper way rather than in a backward negative way, and get this: Because of my refusal to forgive - I got fat!

That may sound funny, it may sound bizarre, but it is true. We hold our weight because we refuse to let go of it. We don't even have to eat much, and we can exercise all day, but the weight stays on because we have bold, strong, dominant thoughts and feelings which preclude the weight (or whatever it is we desire) to be what we want it to be. Letting go of those hurtful, ugly, terrible, and often dangerous feelings that I harbored for this guy - set my every cell free. How did it happen? He stopped paying child support! I know, that sounds as if I should hate him more, or go after him for it, making his life more miserable than it already is; but the truth is, when he stopped paying child support we stopped having any ties to each other and it was 100% possible to just end the hurt. There was nothing there to hang on to. There was nothing there to be connected with. At this point he is a memory and I won't even say a bad one because that's hurtful and I deserve more. I love the fact that he had some worth because I picked him. I love the fact that he had some love because our daughters are incredible. I love the fact that he is gone because he and I were the source of my anger - When I say I picked him I mean that, and yes, it was a mistake. He'll be the first to agree with me. It was a mistake to marry him. A mistake that both of us regret however, having married, we also both agree now that being divorced is also the best decision either of us could have made.

So, the forgiveness was there. I didn't even realize it was lingering. I thought I would be mad. I thought I would be recentful - but then I said out loud to myself "Stop!" This is over. This is great! This is a miracle! There is nothing now that can hold you! There is nothing now that can change your heart! You are free of all negative, all hurt, all pain, all stress - where that seems strange, and it is, it is true. Immediately I noticed a glow about me. I wasn't the only one noticing either. I hadn't dated in over 8 years because I had things to do, I had goals to meet, and I was afraid of this man. He was making threats of telling the judge that I was being inappropriate with men, which wasn't true, but it was there! I had to let it go - not date, and just focus on the kids - YES, he was that evil. He is GONE!

It's like waking up on the beach and realizing there aren't any walls to hold you in. It's like standing in the middle of a sun ray and seeing nothing but unfiltered warm light, finally, I am open to receive the power of empowerment over the worst event in my life. GONE! To God be the Glory! Great things He has done! When I think of all the choices the kids today are making regarding their future, their spouses, their lives - I hope for them the power and the freedom of wisdom. With wisdom comes more power - choose well, it really does matter.

Bring on those jeans!

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