Friday, May 25, 2007

Boobies MUST Go!

No, I choose not to post a picture of big, fat, round, or otherwise opposing boobs to illustrate this particular blog. I'm far more reserved than that. Caity would have, Laura might have, Reuben wishes I would have - but I didn't.

I've decided, or rather, I decided a while back - that the boobies are the first on my hit list of things to get rid of once I have the time, money, effort, and abilities to do so. I've been exercising like a monkey in a new jungle - but nothing seems to deplete these giants. There must be a way. According to the doctors, they are only large deposits of fat collected in millions of cells, that if trained properly will someday deminish. I have not seen the result if this therory is correct. I've dieted, I've prayed, I've strapped them down, I've cursed them both in public and in private when and where I can say things to them I would never say in the general populous. (They must be defeated at all costs!)

Laura (18, pretty, tall, thin, virtually boob-less) laughs at me. She says she wants to go to the doctor, have them remove my boobies and give them to her - but what she doesn't know is that she would be cursing them too. They just don't stand up to what is expected of them, I guess. They sit there, non performing idiots that they are, and they absolutely refuse to obey even the slightest command of staying somewhat obscure. Sure, I do actually sell more insurance to men I suppose - but that is NOT the point. If it were possible I would will them now, sort of like a living will, to whomever wanted them - but maybe not my daughter, because I don't really ever want to see them again. They've overstayed their welcome as far as I'm concerned.

My plan (and please, don't tell them if you stare into them) is to have them go the bye-bye way sometime this summer, maybe in July when I take vacation. Maybe when no one's looking. Maybe when the doctors are happy, tan, and needing a little cash to pay off that new boat they saw the other doctors fishing on - yes, the plan is good. I pass by size medium blouses and taunt my chest with the cold hard facts that soon I'll be sporting THIS shirt, ha! They laugh - "We'll stick out! We'll not comply. We won't fit on purpose, and you'll look stupid." They try to warn me, but what they don't know is that there is a way to move them around, fold this over here, pull that over there, and sew it all up again - and I win!

All I have to do is sell 2, 248 more books my big, bobbly, wiggly-wobbling friends - and you are SO GONE! (Smiles - counts the sales daily)

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