Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Basic Instinct - Kinda Scary!

I don't even know if I would call this person a "fan" because what she has potentially sent me in the mail could be so very very dangerous! She, an unnamed, but probably harmless woman, wrote me and asked if she could make my dog Faith a few baked goods. We met at the Great Pet Expo in Orlando in February, and she had ONLY great intentions. Her company - the bakery - sent us a dozen cookies for Faith to consume, and then this sweet, sweet woman sent me a bottle of what she called "The Cure To My Man Problems"...I didn't even know I had a man problem!

Basic Instinct is the name of a pheromone based perfume - oils and essential female pheromones are among the top ingredients - THAT SCARES ME - what if I put this stuff on and get stalked? What if I put this stuff on and get attacked? Supposedly all you have to do is wear a drop or two of this magic potion and BAM - men come flying out of the woods to greet you with flowers in hand - I don't think I want that. Wouldn't, or couldn't this actually be the beginning of a man problem?

Do men really respond as readily to the scents of a woman's pheromone like a dog might to his equal counterpart? I did open the bottle, and I even took a sniff - nothing happened...I guess that proves I'm not a lesbian - but it bothers the heck out of me to think that this oily substance now bottled in a little container could actually control the man-world out there to the point that maybe all I would have to do is open the bottle up on a windy day and let its essences flow through the air, being captured by invisible living, flowing, fingers that would reach the nostrils of unknown men everywhere - instead of flowers would they bring their lawn mowers? I could use that - would they potentially want to pay my bills, fix the perpetual leak in my kitchen faucet, repair the holes in my fence where the little Chihuahuas now glide through on a whim? That could be useful.

Sexually speaking - not so much. I've got this 8 year celebacy thing going and it's really a source of either strength or sadness whenever I think about it. Yes, I've gone 8 years (and a month) without having sex, but damnit, I've gone 8 years (and a month) without having sex. Can you see my point? Let's pretend I'm in an adventureous mood next Saturday - the kids are gone, I buy a new dress. I often buy new clothes when they're gone because the assumption or show of money when they are in my presence suddenly means I have a much less show of money seconds after revealing that I had a little show in the first place. Let's pretend - pretend - that I go to the mall, I find a great dress; say a lustfully, teasingly, green silk mid-gown with just enough of a plunge and just enough of a slit above the knee. If I applied the snake oil correctly - would it make that much of a difference? Could I expect to be swept immediately, or do I have to walk around a bit?

What good would this perfume be if I had to prance back and forth, back and forth, back and forth in front of some unsuspecting man - just to see if his nose was working - and if it was working, if the oil was working, would I know it was working because he suddenly smiled? BONG! Smile! Could I get away if I needed to? Should I try? Would that be teasing? I don't want to be a tease? I don't know anymore - maybe after 8 years (and a month) I should just take a bath in the stuff and walk through the Farmer's Market in my old dirty jeans instead - at least that way I'd be assured of finding a man that could either direct me to the barn's loft, or have the sense to know I smelled like a baited animal.

Nope - I'll hold out. I have a plan. It may not be a very popular plan, but a plan is a plan and should be followed to its end - and this plan, I'm sure may very well include that smart little green dress, but the snake oil; well I'll probably leave it at home when I travel - probably.

I count myself, among other things, to be a bit of a philosopher. It was the French 16th Century Rene Descartes who claimed we think , therefore we are - and if I am what I'm thinking now - well, I'd need to be arrested for several misdemeanors, chief among them smiling too much in public - I should stop, it's scaring the kids a little.

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