Do you do this? Do you THINK you look one way, then look in a mirror or at a picture of yourself and say "NO!, that's not me!" I do that...but that's not me in the picture because I'm a LOT skinnier than that. I have longer, prettier hair, and I don't have anywhere near that many winkles - I can't, because I'm only 24 years old. (Hahahaha...well, maybe yesterday.) I guess I'll be happier about myself when I'm completely finished with the dieting, but I'll never be finished with the life changes, the exercise, the chasing my youth - because it's just NOT FAIR that I had to get old.
When I was 14 I was going to rock concerts alone, running around with bands - working angles to get jobs so that I could go the shows for free. I worked as an errand girl, a driver, hair and makeup...then I turned 18, went to Hollywood - gave up the rock bands as friends and collected actors, directors, producers, and writers. I guess returning to Oklahoma, getting married, having 3 kids, getting divorced, educated, and becoming a teacher had a lot to do with me gaining the extra 55-60 pounds and - hell, who am I kidding? When I was in L.A. I weighed 118! I GOT OLD!
So, now that I'm able to take a little more time for myself - kids are older, my job allows me to be a little more free with myself and it allows me to meet my goals: Hence the Dwindling Author! I'm in the middle of being me again, and becoming me isn't (or hasn't been) really all that easy. I had to stop the habits that took years to form, and I had to practice stopping the habits that I refused to stop when I told myself I would stop! I haven't had a soft drink in 8 months. I haven't had a burger, hot dog, baked bread - I haven't had Ding Dongs, Twinkies, nothing....it works. You give up the fatty-pills as my son calls them, and you get thin. Those fatty pills included Taco Bell, McDonalds, Burger King, even the sit down restaurants with breads, oils, trans fats and desserts....nothing!
44 pounds is not enough. I was a size 18 - I'm a 12, not enough. I'm still about 4 sizes away, about 15 pounds away - it's getting closer, I'm seeing the result. Someone wrote me and said I was falling victim to the overly manufactored premise that thin was best and fat was unhealthy. You know what? I didn't mention this before - but from 1984-2004 I had a license to sell insurance, life insurance. I was out of compliance for years with regard to height and weight differentials..me, the sales agent. It's just NOW that I meet the minimal requirements for being in good health. I'm 5'7" and weigh 157 - that's too much. At 5'7" and 142 I will be at the lower end of the perfect differential - and I'll have the years of abuse removed to remind myself that I can FEEL good about myself too.
It's a present I'm giving to ME. I love me. I really do. I can see now where Caity gets her narcissictic attitude - it comes naturally. Maybe if I jump naked into the pool of youth I'll end up looking like Laura for real....it's worth a shot! Where is that pool again?